i practice pulling my bones, at the joints,
little bones out of bigger bones
i practice breaking my knuckles
pulling muscles
pitching forward onto dead earth.

i practice getting myself out of scrapes
even if it leaves me a little less whole
as a person. a ****** laughing mess.
i practice hurtling towards the sun,

i throw myself at you. quickly,
you recoil. you sputter. you spit.
we are flames,
burning out.
we are flames.

I know we've had our share of troubles,
And you're always quick to criticize,
How I've failed you every step and turn,
I guess you saw a way to use this guy.

So then I get to stay as long as I shut up,
Do as I am told, keep all of my emotions in,
Fill your life with garbage and waste your time again,
Until the day you find a better replacement,
Only a matter of when.

Therefor I came up with a way, the only way to win,
Simple, you just take off, find the furthest place to go,
Leave as much space between you and me and
Never take free time out to speak to you again,
Only a matter of when.

Those hurtful words
Those hurtful hits
Those hurtful falls
Those hurtful lies

To this day I still hurt
To this day I wonder
To this day I question myself
To this very day I hate myself

Where's my strength
Where's my smile
Where's my knowledge
Where am I?

Who am I?

Praying for a miracle
When one seems impossible to find
Praying for a miracle
When a situation threatens to break my mind
Praying for a miracle
When I feel stricken with grief
Praying for a miracle
When somethings shaken my belief
Praying for a miracle
When life's giants I have to face and relief is not in sight
Praying for  a miracle
When I can't find the words to say
When I can't voice it out-loud
Lord please listen to my heart
PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE

you know, I thought I'd feel something
anything really
anger, sadness, rage...
but I just feel numb
i don't think it's because of you or what you've done
i think it's because i've felt so much
you made me go through too much

just like a water bottle
when you fill it up with too many things
it starts to empty itself
and that's where i am

emptying myself
from all the tears i've cried
from all the nights of fears
where the monsters weren't under my bed
but they were tucking me in
from all the days i'd curse the moment i met you
from all the moments you ever made me feel like i wasn't special

I wasn't unique
That I wouldn't find someone that would wake up by my side
That I would spend the rest of my days by myself if I didn't try to change

you know, I used to be scared of that
but now, it's all I want
I want to spend some time alone
some time to think,
to pick up the pieces
that you effortlessly smashed on the ground

so here i am.
planting my inner garden
and decorating my own soul

Mama,
All I ever wanted was your touch
Mama,
All I ever wanted was your support,
Mama I wanted you to be my pillar but here we are
And we're drowning in quicksand and you can't keep your own head above it all
Mama,
All I wanted was your love
Mama,
I just wanted to be better than a bottle
Mama,
You don't need it,
Mama i can see through it,
Mama,
You can't hide it, mama don't lie.
Mama I swear I'll run
I'll run far away
And I'll weep with the sky for my weakness.
Mama
You're beautiful
Mama you could be queen of this rock
Mama I love you deeper than I understand
Mama
Please mama play with me
Please mama stay with me
Please mama pray with me.
Mama I don't know if I could live without you.
I couldn't mama. I couldn't live without you.

Life, the pursuit of happiness.
Some will go insane trying to fine this "happiness".
They say its just a chemical in balance in your brain,
"Here pop some pills, tell yourself you're happy!"
But what if somewhere along the way we forgot what happy was.
How can we pursue something when we have no idea where to find it, how it feels, what it looks like.
Everyday we'll wake up and place a twinkle in our eyes, a 1000 watt smile on our faces so that those around us don't know.
So that even though the chemical imbalance is there,
And even though we don't know what it feels like, the others around us can go on finding their happienss , forgetting about any of our troubles.

Emptiness
Nothing but the stillness of all
That I see
I've always know these streets
I see both faces of new
And ones I knew
From Long Ago

Sometimes
We reminisce about the Past
Smiling about what was
But it is hard to find that same pleasure
Paths may have grown
In each direction
For my friends to settle
In strange new lands

I took a path in which
Helps me see farther into the Past
Than I have walked on this Earth
And nations have formed to my feet
Every step I took

I try my hands at arts in every form
And flora begin to sprout
The tears of those I helped
Are now rivers which nourish the land
And wash away every worry

I come home
To show those I thought of family my work
Show them the lives I helped
The buildings I *****
The fossils I discover

Yet
By their presence
It all erodes away
In rains of starved acid
And disappears quicker than I can see

It has yet to stop
I have tried to keep the peace
But
I crave to watch them burn

I seek lost family
They tell me to stop
I build fortresses
They tear down the wall
I go to fly to new lands
They ******* out of the sky

I guess it is time to say
Goodbye

I never see you
I rarely get to hear your voice
Have you ever really looked at me?
You've never talked to me one on one with any real sincerity in your words
Only always with that plain greeting and fake smile
We've tried, you know?
To be with you
To just be near you for god's sake.

And every time,
you push
us
away.

Mom told me that when the two of you were little that you stayed at your grandmother's house for a night. You had an old t- shirt, and they had silk pajamas.
She said that you've never forgotten how that felt.
To be the poor relation in the family
To have less than someone else
To be seen as less to someone else.

We wear old t-shirts.
And you wear the silk pajamas.
I'm never going to forget the way you've treated us.
But you will.
You always do.