Death makes you a ******. Death makes you a little girl too scared to cry. Death wakes you up.

I used to do
something horrible
to myself.

I am sure you have heard of
self harm.

I've been good for as long as I've met my wife.

But for the first time in a while I feel like
dragging that blade across my skin again.

I have used a marker to mark where I would like to hit.

And so far it is not working.

Why is sickness as deep as it is.
Why do I still feel like slicing me flesh to feel something.

I would say everything is terrible but it's not.

I think I might have just forgotten to take my meds for a few days.

I hope one day it’s just a memory and not an activity.

every time
i see a blue
pick-up truck
i flinch
even though
i know
you don't drive
one anymore

I can't do this I need some way to cope
So I slice my skin and hope, cope, hope
Parents walk in and witness my shame
66 on one leg under 5 minutes seems lame
Rush to the hospital I really need help
"Destructive behaviors will never help"
Clean bill of health they say I'm whole again
Release me to the wild to commit no more sins

I can't do this there is no hope
Better leave a note so my family can cope
Come up with a plan, imagine the scene
I hope my family won't think less of me
Crack under pressure, I cry and he knows
"BPD deals out extreme lows"
Try all the pills not a single one helps
Cut myself so deep I yelp
Rush to the hospital she really needs therapy
But in that room I feel all they do is stare at me

If I lose weight I'll be happy again
"Negative body image, a secret between friends"
Once again they say I'm good to go home
Not even my room feels as if its my own
Take lots of pills 2 times a day
I don't want to live like this day to day

Coping won't work I'm so very scared
If he never comes back again God I am scared
"BPD patients often experience extreme paranoia"
Depression is back but I expected it sorta
Panic attacks are the new daily thing
Often I feel crippling social anxiety
Keep to myself let life pass me by
But I know I'll regret it when its time to say bye
The panic can't stay I need it to stop
I begin to examine the drugs in the shop
"Maybe tomorrow but just not today"
Walk away feeling proud, I'm clean for the day

A mark on my skin just like any other
I fell off my bike, I talked back to my father
But some are precise, like surgical scars
Remind me of the ride in the hospital car
Ones on my wrist are faded and gone
Ones on my thighs stand bold and strong
Years have gone by and here they remain
A constant reminder of temporary pain
Occasionally when things are rough
I pick up my knife again in a rush
Cold steel burning against warm hands
Salty tears return me to forgotten lands
Cry out in pain, beat my own head
Put down the blade,say this friend is dead
I've been clean all these years
I'll handle this anger with tears
Hate myself, spit at the mirror in scorn
No more scars for my skin to adorn