What I hate about myself
That is so pathetic and weak
That I despise so much 
Is that you can yell at me 
Call me names, throw lies
Throw all the trust back at me
Even hit me, scratch me 
Make me hurt and cry
Make my heart beg 
Make my voice loud
You can do all those things
Yet I know **** well
The moment we both 
Finally grow quiet and calm
The moment your golden eyes
Look upon my eyes, my soul
What I hate about myself 
Is that I would still love you
I would love you wholeheartedly
Through the pain and anger 
The guilt, regrets, wounds 
I will still love you through it all
Even through gritted teeth
Even through running tears
Even with a broken heart 
I will still love you through it all

pleading,
crying,
begging—
wanting to be heard.

watching, writhing,
burning in agony.
dreaming a nightmare,
hugging solemn innocence.
aching—
in despair, in desire.

once an angel of life—
now a demon of death in disguise.
her wings were torn, brutally,
and she couldn’t even scream one last time
before they threw her
off the landing.

nowhere to step, nowhere to stand—
barely able to sit,
and yet she ran.

kept running, far and farther still,
only to be pulled back
every time she thought she'd made it out.

they were always there.
watching.
waiting.
hoping.
to catch her,
to tear her—
hands on every part of her.

disgust piled with the blood in her mouth.
she scratched her skin,
tore herself apart—
knowing it’d hurt less
than being caught
by the counterparts.

and yet—
oh, look.
isn’t the moon pretty?

I was handed fists
for as long as I can remember.
My curiosity—squashed with screams.
I didn’t learn the alphabet—
it was beaten into my ribs.

I didn’t hold hands.
But their grip was tight enough
to remind me I’d never leave.
I’ve been property since conception,
just signed over with a new lease.

My tears were never wiped—
they were smacked off my face. You must swallow all emotion or you're a disgrace.

I was to speak when spoken to and never out of turn. What happens at home stays at home and no one else should learn.

It wasn't a phase mom- daughters marry men like their dads. Though I came pre-etched in rules there was a new ruler to be had.

I was handed fists,
my whole life,
disguised as loving encouragement
to be better.

How was I to know you don't have to yell to show passion?

Nice and slow
That's how we loved
A day at a time
Falling deeper and deeper
Forging bonds
Every second together
Exciting and new
A life growing and growing
Until eventually
We reached our tallest peak
How quickly
We crashed and burned
We dropped 
Just like our hearts did
A divebomb 
That broke everything 
The lowest point
Is what we ended up with 
Nice and slow
That's how I recovered
Horribly fast 
Was how you moved on

Sinking deep into the carbonated effervescence,
I crave this caffeine fix.
I need the high to mask the sadness that trails my face as I stare into nothingness.
I space out in daydreams,
Wondering if you feel me whenever I blink.

Endorphins bounce off my synapses like a pinball,
And dopamine surges,
Surprising me with clarity.
I can’t recall yesterday,
But I can vividly recall tomorrow today.
Jitters run through me as I write this,
Shaking with a closed fist,
As if the puzzle pieces are trying to break me apart.
Do I even fit?

I yearned for something sweet,
Something to cling to,
Preferably caramel or toffee.
This artificial happiness has me pleading,
And if I were harvested,
There would be taurine in my bleeding.

I’m drowning in a carbonated effervescent ocean,
Anchored by trauma,
Unable to surface past the surface.
It’s deeper than the Atlantic,
And I’m praying for a hurricane to rescue me.

my birthday falls on father’s day...
how poetic

for a man
who gave me life
but never showed me how to live it

and when he came back
he still wasn't really there

he doesn't like who i am
as if love should come with conditions

i learned how to raise myself
from the ruins they left behind

funny...
how father’s day reminds me more
of what i survived than what i celebrate

I am going through something,
Something that feels like nothing,
A smile hides it well,
But eyes always tell,
Body wants to lie down
on fluffy clouds,
Soul wants to elope and shout,
Heart wants to drown,
Mind whispers sins-
Urges me to commit fouls,
But Heart howls:
"JUST DROWN",
I am going through something,
Even forgetting to breathe