how do you love?
i can't imagine you've never given it
yet, you clearly lack the etiquette

how do you love?
you're transparent
but not in the way that light shines though

how do you love?
truthfully the question is no surprise
you know only lust in disguise

how do you love?

We learn to pretend
so that the cracks in our hearts
aren’t sad— but vintage.

Here I go again guess i'm up again
Can't dream but I can't plain complain
Miscellaneous mischievous thoughts are on my brain
Can't seem to drain this live of pain
waking not just once or twice it's like I never sleep
My thoughts so complex I get lost inside them
When I try to undermine I can't wrap my mind around 'em
Not all who wander are lost but those lost can't even wonder, my mind ponders in a stance like i'm free to lie
If they're free to buy, guess freedom is still alive
But to dreams i'm a prisoner
where there can be no visitor
I am hollow and I will live forever

People walk past and come around
So you think I’d never be lonely
But I’m stuck behind this glass

It’s easy to seem like its okay inside
You’d think it was obvious
From the other side

Now I’m painting these invisible walls
With the pain inside
Hoping things will change
If they can’t see inside

But I’m paralyzed, not by fear
Or anger
Or my rattled mind

Indifference has crept in
But people still don’t see
It haunting me
Through these glass halls

And I’m trying my best
But the paint
Just isn’t sticking

Now these glass walls
They’re just spattered messes
And invisible dead ends

And they see transparency
But I’m trapped
Behind these glass walls

You're girlfriend material, but not for me
You are sweet and gentle as could be, but don't you see?
Everything we build will not last long
Because you're younger
And life would make me leave you behind,
And that's not fair to you at all.
So I'm breaking the pain before it could possibly even start,
I care about you and your feelings inside your heart
I'm not trying to play games and lie to you

Sometimes I wish I was the kid in the corner,
blending in
but looking outside the lines
and if I ever strayed from
what's normal
I'd just disappear in
the blink of an eye
because
all we want is
to lay our hands on something real
and all I want is
to bare my soul to not conceal
looking-out, never looking in
Who I am,
Who I've always been.
Sometimes I wish I was the girl
everybody dreamed of
standing out not sticking in
and if I ever got sick of
what they wanted
I'd be just like a chrysalis
and shed this skin I've flaunted
for so many years
because all we want is
to lay our hands on something real
and all I want is
to be comfortable enough to heal
the scars,
this pain,
this cross around my neck
crucifying
all that I am
always looking out, never looking in
I know who you are
and who I've always been.
So, watch me as my walls
come caving in
I'm safe inside
I think I'll make it out alive
This time
I'm not perpendicular
I'm outside but
we're pretty similar
I've always known
Who you are
and who I really am
Inside, outside
I think I'll make it out....

Two burns, left wrist
Two more burns, left hand
Two fading slits, left ankle
Easier to deal with, to understand
These six scars...
They are the only ones that I have
Well, the only ones in your eyes
The only ones that were deliberate
Deliberate necessities
There is one on the right side
Of my nose too
But it was accidental
Nothing more than a childish
Slip of the foot
"Sorry, it was just a slip of the tongue"
I need you
I need more
Two more, in precision
(a double incision)
One on the right
And one on the left
"No cesarean for me, thanks"
No life coming out of this body
No matter how beautiful
I could have made you
I would have kept you safe
I promise
I won't let them hurt you
They'll understand
They have to
They have to
They have to
But that's what I thought before
And yet they still don't
Not today, not quite yet
But they have to
And I've been thinking
And drinking
And smoking
And toking
And I do not know
How far I will go
So cut me open
Take what I don't want
Because I do not want this
Remove my heart
You may as well
While you're in there
It's been aching so badly lately
And this is all that I want right now
They will let me do it
They have to
They have to
They have to
They will...
Won't they?
You can not see teardrops
Amongst raindrops
Can not distinguish between
The peaceful and the pained
And I fall, I fall hard
I crash and you feel me, you do
But rain is a friend
Rain is something that I can trust
Something that I can relate to, rely on
Too quiet to be seen as thunder
Too dull to be seen as lightning
Too transparent to be seen at all
From a distance...
You get used to rain after a while
We are known for our weather
(Rain rain go away)
Let the sun shine
So that I can become a rainbow
Cut me open and pull out my heart
Offer it to that planet's glorious rays
Look up at me
Not down on me
And tell me that I am beautiful
Tell me that I mean something
To you
That I mean anything
Because I am not mean
I mean
I love you
I love you
I love you
I try far too hard
You think that I don't try at all
But it's ******* hard
It's SO ******* hard
And I am trying my best
And I am transgender
I am the she / he / whatever
The it
I do not deserve you
But do I really deserve this?
I know that these are not raindrops
I can taste the salt, slowly rolling
And rolling down
And down my face
My tear-stained face
Please tell me that I am worthy
Please let me do this
Please, please, let me do this...
You have to
YOU HAVE TO
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
Save me
Fish me out of the ditch
Ditch me halfway through
My transition
LET ME TRANSITION
You have to
You have to
You have to
It hurts
It hurts so bad, oh God
And I'm not getting anything in return
So let me pain myself
Until I can breathe again
With a smile on my face
A smile that will not run in the rain
I am running through the rain
Running away from myself
I am falling, as rain falls on me
And I am crying
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
So let me do this
You have to.. You have.. You..
You will...
Won't you..?
Because I'm not alright
And I'm not okay
I am transparent, I am transitioning
I am transgender
Whether you like it
Or not.

I am the in between
The middle
The line
The bridge
The limbo
The paleness
The fence
The open
The link
The connection
The break
I am the in between

The first to be forgotten
The last to be seen

When I go in search of You
In the rain of my tears too.
                                  
During walking, talking so
I meet every friend or foe

No left any inn or cave
Each one prisoner and slave

So I am too weak to do
When I go in search of You

At last I find lovely sign
Like a bliss to soul refine

Transparent and sacred You
Reflecting in morning dew

I see you seconds a few
When I go in search of You