You said you still care about me,
That you still want me as a friend,
If you cared, you would have called,
You would've tried to help me mend.

Now I desire you most of all,
It's hard to eat, think, or sleep,
I do nothing but sit on my bed,
While I stare blankly at the wall and weep.

I attempted to talk to you last night,
I could tell you didn't want to speak to me,
We didn't bother exchanging I love yous,
I suppose this is what it's like to be free.

Was every last day we spent kissing a waste?
For me they lent some peace of mind,
I treasure each moment our skin got to meet,
Even more so now, since you left me behind.

I still love you with my heart completely,
Nothing can change the way that I feel,
These are the deepest wounds I have,
It will take me an eternity to heal.

Don't tell me lies,
in a beautiful language.
Don't break me,
into pieces.

Don't tell me things
that is not true.
Don't whisper me,
the wind.

Don't give me roses,
that is dying.
Don't let me,
touch the thorns.

Don't give me hopes,
in chain and ropes.
Don't let me,
think of you.

i think too much and when im with her i cant
and i like that

shes all walls and i'm only windows
and sometimes i think she looks inside me and doesnt like what she sees

i feel like muscles and lust and nothing but, and she assures me i'm not
i feel like i'm a footnote (she puts footnotes in all her essays) in the story of her life while she is a chapter in mine
and she assures me i'm not
but sometimes she says things to convince herself of what shes saying
and sometimes she leaves me breathless and sometimes she leaves me praying

Maybe we've just put our walls in different spots. It's like my ears are deaf and my lips are tingling when she kisses them

she's like a golem
a stone skin guardian against her emotions she wont let me see
but maybe we've just put our walls in different spots It's like my eyes are blind and my body shakes when she caresses it
she wakes only to the magicians touch
and i've never been good at magic

shes tired of my worries and excited by my body and this is an equation i'm not sure i like
I've always been good at math
my mind is calculating
a steel trap
it's cold inside and she is warm in my arms, like a promise I can't keep.

I want to buy her flowers, but i'm caught between building my nest and digging my grave and i often think they're one and the same. she wants to have fun and I want to have ***. she's touching my body while i'm reaching for her mind
but maybe we've just put our walls in different spots.

UUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

**** this and **** that and im
dying and
crying and i hate this
******* brain i have where i
scream at it
just ******* enjoy this
because with each word
i speak
each
worry
in the breath of my throat i push her away
speaking leaks in our boat  
and lets
be honest
it wasnt a very sturdy boat to begin with
i need
my sledgehammer hands
destroy and rebuild
something that actually functions from
the rubble of the ruin
Build some ******* windows
a glass bottom boat
so I can always see the mistakes
i'm trying to leave behind
my
mind
scraping plaster
crumbling
and fumbling
stumbling darkness
and she feels like sunlight
she's bright
soft light through the blinds
film noir
rain
pain like kisses  
i'm the handprint on her skin
the bubble in her oxygen
and i used to be fun and we
****
just *******
**** **** fuckf
fuckf fukfcuffkcuc\f\ ff
f
f
f
c
fuflufc
fuuf
***
****
***
uf

i think too much and when im with her i cant

and i like that

As I stand and look at the mirror, I wonder, what challenges life will throw at me. I think on what danger could happen . With my mind at peace and my heart at rest, I take each day step by step. I know that one day I will be rid of my nightmares and know that it can be possible for me to change something fantastic in life. but for now, I just keep looking in the mirror and wondering.

know
                  someth    g
                               in   side
                        out

          think                 side

                                                    out

  ­        the                     box

i didn’t think it through
i didn’t think that the cuts would be so noticeable
that i would feel ashamed
that i would have to hide them
that i wouldn’t be able to roll up my sleeves
that i would start holding my arms in different places
that whenever i was wearing a short sleeved shirt i would think about my scars
i didn’t think it would take so much effort to stay clean
that there would be no temptation

"We Do Not"


I think we do not think
On life's realities
We wish only pleasantries
The aspects uplifting our views
Are acknowledged only
What we wish was not but is
Is buried deeply
Rots and festers
And we feign contentment
While we ooze

You want me to be happy
For me to smile genuinely
And laugh whole-heartedly
But my face freezes
Each time I see myself
In the reflection
Of the night-cast window
And I think to myself

You want me to be happy
I know, I want it too
But I can’t fit back into
That personality
That’s shrunk in the wash
I can’t figure out if I lost you
Or I’m losing you
Or if I’m losing myself