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Eleanor Feb 2019
it's not always about the way you look,
because looks don't always read like a book.
you didn't see me with the glance that you took,
because i cannot be an open book.

i'm sorry if you want to know more,
but trust me you'd have to be sure,
because in my mind you will find,
the most frightening things my life can bring,
haunting me night and day,
never able to get away,
because i am fighting a civil war.
in my brain.
Eleanor Feb 2019
Mum, there's one thing i don't want you to hear,
it's that food doesn't make me grin from ear to ear,
it makes me terrified of the voice inside,
wanna crawl into my bed and hide,
and cry and cry about my outside,
until there's silence from the voice inside.

But it's never silence,
just a pause,
'til it grabs me again with it's awful claws,
scratches me and makes me bleed,
bruises me until i plead,
and remind myself that i agreed,
pain until I'm skinny, please.

I'm fat i know, i don't need to be told,
I'm tall and only 16 years old,
I'm a child yes, but you never scold,
because a good girl you did mold,
i used to get good grades and study hard,
now all i am is a bunch of lard,
i still study hard but i am scarred,
by the voice that tells me,
i'll never reach that bar.

I try and try but don't succeed,
i wish i could follow my brother's lead,
all the way to university,
getting himself a good degree,
a 50,000+ salary,
but the closest i'll get to that salary,
is a salad.
so i'll sit here munching rabbit food,
while you're thinking that i'm being rude,
for not sitting at the table with you,
while you EAT you're normal human food.

Why is EAT such a hard word to say?
it's three simple letters, just E, T and A,
combined and jumbled in three different ways,
EAT, tea and ATE are the things you can say,
but the latter word causes dismay,
sending my mind into disarray,
ana is here, she's here to stay,
reminding me there's no other way,
i must put down the food,
say i'm not hungry today,
go a little longer,
fast just one more day.
Eleanor Oct 2018
i told you my secrets
you told me you cared
you pulled me in closer
when i said i was scared
but now im scarred
you moved on so quickly
expect me to stay there
you’re right in that thinking
because i still care
Eleanor Jun 2018
I was pure,
I was innocent,
I was a child.
I saw only goodness in the world and only goodness in you.
You tried to strip that view away from me by taking something that was fundamentally mine.
Mine to give,
not to be taken by the force of overwhelming strength.
You watched my pain and enjoyed it.
I will never know exactly who you are.
I was short, you were tall.
It hurt but I didn’t look.
I closed my eyes and tried to force my mind to leave my body.
My body was trapped but at the time my mind was free.
Now, my mind is forever contaminated by the blurred memory of the cause of my permanent flaws.
Eleanor Jun 2018
A dash of hope can change the world
A sprinkling of kindness can lift broken spirits
A pint of compassion can bring waves of happiness
A pinch of love can re-ignite a life

But none of this is possible without a spoonful of optimism
I know I called this how to change the world but take it with a pinch of salt
Eleanor May 2018
I have a tsunami of tears behind my eyes
But only one slides down my cheek

Warm and salty
Like the dead sea
The dead sea
What a name
That so aptly represents
my tear

That singular soul
Crosses it’s world alone
Fighting through makeup
To hide my imperfections
I empathise with
my tear
Eleanor May 2018
Their mind is free
The music flows
Their heart is happy.

And then they fall
A little hurt
But they dance again.

Cautiously now
Move step by step
Their mind works harder

Never to want
To fall again
Their mind is blurring.

Full of worry
Too much to think
To enjoy the dance.

Where is the joy
They love so much?
They have stopped dancing.
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