the lines on my notebook pages scoff
as they see me writing your name once again


©L.F.

It’s you and this time
That I revisit the most
Captured past in glass

I’m stuck.
caught in this loop where i’m tired of waiting but i don’t want to give up, give in
because i could never receive forgiveness
from myself

I would be filled with regret and remorse and i couldn’t handle that
that i had this relationship with a girl and i gave in.

no

I want to be able to say
let’s go out when we’re bored,
let’s get food together when we’re hungry,
let’s pack our bags and head to the beach when we’re lonely.
Eat hotdogs, smile and talk about how we’re going.
I want to know if this vision is something of the future or just my imaginative dream.

My wonderland.

I want to do this as best friends hell even boyfriend and girlfriend.
I want people to believe that we’re dating and laugh after sighing and ewing at them.

You know what i want, i've been so clear about that
i’m just so tired of waiting.
Trying to predict what you believe in
especially when you stay silent.
I can’t read minds,
i’m no wizard or witch, i don’t know what you want
i’m definitely not magic even if i scream to defy it.

I’m tired
telling you after HSC is over we go everywhere being best friends for however long we can because i know.

We may not be meant to be together but we’re meant to be around each other to the end.

the little intricacies i’ve found inside that brilliant mind of yours.
the way she talks,
the way she walks,
the way she sings loud,
the way she looks when she’s proud
breathtaking.
what to do to impress you.
That ice cream is a everyday food
and even though popcorn is the most magnificent food on earth I’ve realised that you don’t have the same opinion on it
like i do.
That you believe you aren’t the best at what you do
and trust me what i’ve seen i know that definitely is not true.

You’re talented,
you’re amazing,
you’re exactly how i would describe popcorn
buttery smooth.

I’ve changed and fixed all whatever you said were issues
i’m open,
i’m ready to scream what i have to say,
i’m just scared whatever i do
you’ll run away.

I treat you like everyone else I find important
too close and too much annoying.
I’m sorry
you found that maybe my motives were something else and gave me clarification that i had to

stop.

So please for the sake of my sanity
tell me what you want, how you see what we’re meant to be doing.
What you want from me.

I’m stuck
caught in this loop where i’m tired of waiting but i don’t want to give up, give in.

Not yet

The past is the past
But I never understood
What moving forward meant
Or how anyone could.

Rapid fire memories
Could sink this floating ship
Into the cruel undertow
My blur heart would dip.

The fondest of relationships
Have been worn to one side each
And the glued on ruby lenses
Will not let them teach.

Perhaps I shall sink
And mourn what time tore
I do not have the strength
To swim forward anymore.

I am change
And the opposite of change.
I am the turbulent turning of the tides
And the repeating rhythms that hold them in place.
I am the relentless forward march of time
And the regular rotations of a clock.
I am the frenzied lunges of a caged animal
And the immovable bars that keep it confined.
I am perpetually in motion
Yet I am confined by strange laws and forces beyond my control.

I yearn for freedom.
I am enslaved by the grooves that hold this roller-coaster in its blind orbit.
I am exhausted by this robotically rambling train of thought that never leaves its tracks.
I am weary of this winding waterway that chases its tail in a helpless cycle,
That only leads inevitably to the same heights of hope and depths of despair.

I want to wander and know that I won’t simply return to where I began.
I want to write a new story where I do not already know the ending.
I want this story to have a real absolute ****** and real absolute resolution.
I want to break the machinery that has fused with my heart and brain and spirit.
I want to hear the scream of steel and hissing of wires as it is scattered into lifeless fragments.
I want to hear the roller-coaster’s final chuffs of protest as it grinds to a halt.
I want to know that it is finished and I am only beginning.
I want to live and know that I am truly alive.

Collect washed out colors
To put in my pocket
As a keepsake with no value
Fenced in for safety
Peculiar things that I let in
Thoughts not my own
I resent them like the fireplace
Who's flames took my secrets
But I threw them in
It's the only thing in this house
To have changed in years
Why?
I hold the past for peace
Yet if I forget
There are ghosts that will avenge

have you ever been stuck
inside your own mind
it's as if you have locked eyes
with a different conscious in light
or darkness
I can't see
but I have vision
a question
where is silence
I have never wondered
but who
has anybody discovered
the quiet of no thought in mind
w or ds
scattered into l e t t e r s
make me believe
and sink into
a false phantasm
where things lose all meaning to me
I cannot explain this disorienting feeling
an experience left unexperienced everytime
chaos havocing my intellect