Every once in awhile
I can’t help
But feeling
Completely clueless

How do people see me
When I’m alone
What do I look like
Being asked to move
Knowing no one
Dosen’t help
As they all assume
I’m all alone

I feel clueless
When I don’t know what they’re saying
But I don’t ask for clarification
In fear of those patronizing looks and smiles

I am clueless
When it comes to the real world
I haven’t had enough experience
Perhaps I didn’t pay attention
When I really should have

I don’t understand
What people are going through
I don’t see the signs
That show
The fears and troubles
They are trying to fix
I just stand there
Blind
Thinking all is right
When all is wrong

I stand there
Thinking how great my life is
I don’t have big troubles
School, grades
Thats it

Still clueless
Still oblivious
I doubt I’ll learn.

Despair, there's no way around it.
It creeps up on those who think their lives are great.
Death, it seeps in till' you cannot resuscitate.
There is no way... Around it.
You have to die some day.
Doubt, it comes in like a drug.
You doubt yourself and doubt yourself until you're dead on a rug.
Sin, you should never let it win.
But in those times of sin and darkness,
remember sin is like a shark-it's
a sneaky, scary, freaky beast, thinks that you are a feast. Sin feasts on your soul,
like you are a foal eaten by a wolf.
Even though all of these feelings make you mope,
There still is hope.
Out on the horizon, there is a silver linin'.
Out in the vast Galaxy, all those stars are shinin'
Even though at this moment, I ain't that good at rhymin'.
But at least I can get it to you what the heck I'm tryin'.
To say.
Hey.
I know my flow ain't great, but remember,
death is permanent.
You can't resuscitate.

Everyone has their daily struggles
But with depression it's more than doubled
I rise each day to face the sun
But a part of me just wants to run
To hide away and lock the door
Or **** someone and settle the score

The wounds inflected on me I can not hide
You can see them all plainly on every side
They are apart of me, inside and out
I've been prey to many, and my trophy head they mount
In their memory of victims, I'm another count

They did it slow, they took their time, in no hurry
Then sent me off to the f**king taxidermy

They cleaned me up and stuff in the saw dust
But all you see standing before you, is just my crust.

The pain that came crashing down
landing on top of me this day
was one that I cannot fathom
ever going away.

It hurts.

Hearts shatter
does it even matter?

It hurts.

Pain lives on
Will it ever be done?

It hurts.

My voice breaks with tears
when I look back
to see the wasted years.

It hurts.

And still, like a warrior
my heart struggles
to move on.

But still...

It hurts.

i leave droplets of tears,
whenever &
whatever
i write
...
.

Her soul a sky filled
      with twinkling stars
              eyes two pearly globes
of magnetic innocence
               with a red rose fragility
and floret fragrance
            even when she carries a
heart dotted with scars
   from painful inflictions during
       the battles of life
    fought and overcome

All we have left is our instincts, a powerful bond to either keep us together or tear us apart.
The Outsiders, gotta love them, always quick to stick their heads in. What do they know? Is it something we can see? Destiny or fatality
What we have is something brand new. Do we just give up now or do we walk through? Slowly, Until we reach the other side...
With you, as the love of my life, my handsome groom.

What does your heart tell you right now at this moment?

I want to continue to cherish every moment with you... Of us!

7 am: Up and at 'em!
Tired kids, two temper tantrums and one major headache.
Late out the door,
We're gonna miss the bus!
Ran up just in time to see Kid #1 off and watch her pull away,
Kid #2 pulling my hand,
Crying, whining.
Trudging home, Sighing as the door clicks shut behind me.
Thus begins another day...

8 am: No coffee, again...
4 Advil because at this point, I've built up too much of a tolerance for anything less...
Sit with kiddo as she tries to fall back asleep,
Wander into the living room,
Look longingly at the couch.
"Maybe just for a moment.."

12 pm: Chores, chores, chores.
Kiddo is whining for lunch,
I still haven't showered..
The house is a mess,
Laundry still needs to be done.
I'm so exhausted I could cry!

3:45 pm: Kid #1 is home.
She's cranky as always,
And the war begins..
The kids scream at each other all day until eventually I join in..

5-6 pm: Mom walks through the door,
Dinner is late and she's complaining,
Yelling about everything under the sun,
Nothing I do is good enough..

10 pm: Another tantrum by Kid #2,
Trying to get them both to bed.

11 pm: Thus ends another day...
Tomorrow we do it all over again...

My life and my eyes look so towards the sky that it scarcely notices the calamities within. I look inside the valley but there are years of rain, and I wonder how I could drain the plains again, to stop them from being so heavy. That beautiful blue sky was so unattainable, that now as my wings float me above I look below and realize they stark horror I was blind to. It seems only once I was above it that I could really see how everything is drowning.

But how do I change anything now? I'm not apart of the place I left long ago, and I have no ability to go back. The shadows of those deep waters are something I can't even picture anymore.

Sometimes, though, if I see a bright red ribbon or a piece of glass, I'm painfully reminded of where I can't go back. The place I ran from and forgot only to awaken once again. Nobody may have blinded me and after so long my eyes are clear once more. But I almost wish I were still sightless to save myself from the horrid landscape that was previously what I called home.

I may be equipped with my strength after so many years of jumping off cliffs until I couldn't fall. Yet it still doesn't make horrible things any less horrible. It only ensures I won't jump off again and this time refuse to fly.

I know my worn, hardened heart wishes only to push all of it away, to pretend none of it happened. But I know at its core, the softened part warmed by kind hands, that its something I must face and use to grow even more.

The misery of my land and the rain and the pain are hard to bear. Its more than any person deserves to bear. But perhaps it will only make me better. Perhaps it will only make me stronger. Perhaps, after I survive this too, this time I can fly to the stars.

Its a ride, ain't it? Not just yesterday. Not just today. it will never end. Are you happy?

All the dark parts of me you hate have been exasperated by your selfish actions. Are you happy?

All the parts of me I love and am proud of you call a phase, and insist it'll be gone one day. That's exactly what I fear, and exactly what you hope. Are you happy?

The only person that makes me feel accepted and wanted just the way I am is someone you ridicule and dismiss, making me fear even more being who I am around you people. I feel that you hate me before you get to know me. Are you happy?

I always felt like a monster and in turn became a liar. My brother never feels safe to express so he is practically emotionally dead. My Grandmother showed who she was and tries to make up for her transgressions, and now is excommunicated regardless of her attempts. Everything different be something you squash and beg to hide away. Are you happy?

Now thinking of my past, my childhood only makes me sad and upset. I blocked out most of it until my head could handle it. The way you treated me wasn't acceptable. I shouldn't have been your secret, your emotional parent, your little monster. I was supposed to be a kid. That's something you can never give back to me. Are you happy?

I need space. You will feel me pulling away, and you won't be wrong. It breaks my heart but I need this. I need me. And I certainly can't spend my life cowering painfully beneath the height of my tremendous love for you or ultimately despising you for what you've done. I have to leave, at least for a little. Are you happy?

I never wanted this. I always wanted family, and I always loved you so strongly. But as I sit here and sob over the mere thought of trying to speak cheerfully about my childhood, I should not have to sob while asking myself questions. One keeps ringing in my ears. Are you happy?

I don't want to ever lose you. But I can't keep you right now either. The only way we can last is to part ways for awhile, and let me breathe and show you the things in my pocket and the heart I have grown. I can't love you when you love someone I only pretended to be. When I'm better, when you're better, then we can be a family. Then we can be happy.