Not being able to give even 1% because you have 100% for just a moment too long...

Body exhausted
          Eyes
Falling asleep
           Going
60mph in the
          Rain.

Body exhausted
          mind
Falling behind
          little details        
          lost in time.

Floating
            Floating
                        Floa­ting.

© Jo Tomso

stress, stress, stress
exhausted and depressed
grey hairs popping up like weeds
not knowing where this path leads.
breaking out, breaking down
my mind is spinning round and round
hiding the bags underneath my eyes
and doing work that I despise.
crying, crying, crying
if I say that I'm okay, I'm lying
with hot tears streaming down my face
I feel myself falling behind in this race.
dying, dying, dying
my condition worsens with time
and with my immune system failing,
I head to bed with a sigh.

but I always manage to smile.

I become my self when I am alone
when it is late at night when I am studying for that test
or finishing homework
or a Last minute Article
That is when I reflect on all that I do
I wonder about others
and how they are doing
I always try and make a plan for the next day
so I don't mess it up
People don't realize how hard it is to be me
How much I do behind the scenes so everyone can have fun
They will never know how stressed I am at night behind closed doors

I.** That night, I placed a pillow over my head; I dreamt that I was dead. I had cut my wrists over the bathroom sink. I was laying down on the floor. On the bulge of my stomach, written in blood were the words: "I feel better now." Over by the side, in blood too, the wall proclaimed: "This is my version of okay."

II. I dreamt of going to school on Monday and spending my lunchbreak crying in the bathroom. Hiding in the library when I'm full of tears, showing up to class empty. Seventeen is hard. Life is hard. Tell me what you wish for me. (I don't like going to bed sad.)

III. It's so strange that I still feel so alone, maybe worse than before. I am tired of falling apart; I will try holding myself together. Like a scarecrow, mummy, dandelion puff. I will not fall just so I don't have to pick myself up again.

IV. Give me a reason to surrender, or a viable way out of this mess. I don't want to break my heart, or anyone's. I just want to stop hurting. (I knew it wasn't going to be a good year.)

V. I told you "no promises" because I don't need to promise. I have no control when it comes to you. I'm stuck with this overpowering love. I'd drive myself crazy missing you. I'd forget to be happy in the search for you. I promise I won't stop loving you; I can't promise I'll survive it.