How could I tell you something that shames so much?
Now we could never really talk about feelings,
Always such a distance touch,
An impenetrable wall we both couldn't nudge,
So I've learned to fight my own demons,
Barely escaping ****** and beaten.
How could I tell you that you do not know me like you think you do,
And that I've lied to you,
Over and over,
And maybe that's why we aren't closer
I remember your stern eyes making wish
For an eternal slumber.
How could I tell you that I know I am your biggest disappointment?
That it hurts me to the bone because you have kept me in such high regard
But you only admire and are proud of a simple facade
And that you could never love the person I truly embody
As your perception of who I am is foggy
Not the son you wanted me to be,
But the one who will smash your vision of clarity.
How could I tell you that for so long I've cried myself to sleep,
The denial it ran so so deep,
Me and self-love are strangers without your acceptance,
Despite the nights I prayed for repentance,
None came just Divine resentment.
How could I tell you that even though you've suffered through so much pain,
That I'm just another hatchet that will bury deep within your skin,
That I'm the loser and there's no way to win,
Fresh scars of your hopes and dreams,
Faded dim,
Your affection of me, I know, will wain thin.
How could I tell you that I remember the look in your eyes when I exposed my naked truth,
As innocent as the boy in my youth,
You met me with harsh shards of reality,
Scorned my vulnerability and crushed my sensibilities
Searching for love unsteadily,
Screaming and crying wearily,
Desperately looking for light in those eyes,
But you met me with rejection;
Needing poetry to escape into my own fantasy,
Your eyes will forever haunt me.
How could I tell you that I have always loved you,
Despite the pain in my heart you put me through,
Like any child I cling to the memory of you,
So that you could proudly call me Son,
But you realise your expectations are undone?
No, Mum I don't want a wife and I don't like sports and I hate the taste of beer and I'm never going to be the man you want so preciously and I hate the sound of your voice when you shout 'cause it reminds me of the time you told me to get out,
So I tried to destroy myself.
Intoxicate myself.
Harm myself.
Laugh at myself.
How could I tell you that the reason I always look dead behind these eyes is that my home felt like a prison,
With you as the jailer,
Nervous and petrified if anyone would see my indecision if asked a simple question "Got a girlfriend Janal?".
How could I tell you that I love you,
But I can't change the way I am,
Despite the amount of times I've tried,
I can't go on living in a lie,
And I know you'll be ashamed of me,
And your heart will break
But I am not putting on a face to be fake.
How could I tell you that your real son is gay?
And that he hasn't changed and still loves you?
And he hopes that maybe one day,
You'll love him too?
This is my coming out poem to my Mum. If you're LGBT and have traditional/strict religious parents you'll know and unfortunately share the pain expressed in this poem. It was really important to me to show my feelings of not wanting to hurt my Mum with the truth, even if it needed to be said.
If Anyone is struggling with this please, please, please inbox me I'll always give you an online shoulder to cry on!
