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empty seas Mar 2018
i. hunger
It starts with the want
to fill the hole in my soul
that anxiety has chipped away at
with the only reliable thing
that will make me feel good
food
wonderful, instantly gratifying
food

ii. consume
Chocolates and junk food
or spoonfuls of ice cream
and a brownie
desserts that top off a Sunday brunch
push away the thoughts that say
this is a horrible idea
and feast!

iii. sickness
My stomach begins to churn
my chest gets tight
and I feel like emptying
my stomach
my mind
my life
regret attacks my stomach and mind
karma for the horrible decision
I made
junk food hates me as much as
I care for it

iv. guilt
My stomach is a bloated planet
my thighs its insurmountable mountains
look what you have done?
you fat idiot!
consuming and consuming
soon your body will make you unloveable

I try to empty my stomach
bent over pristine porcelain
sweat dripping down my face
desperately googling for help
to hurt myself

v. aftermath
Three-digit number
I’m too ashamed to speak it
but I feel the numbers
imprint in my mind
with a note
stop eating as much as possible
so guilt follows every meal
every moment spent in front of a mirror
is an inspection
bulging thighs
flabby arms
stomach barely contained
how do you show your face in public?
a binger too afraid to purge
when will you finally feel guilty enough
to take action?

these thoughts stay in my head
until the next binge
then they return again
I’m sorry I keep complaining
SangAndTranen Mar 2018
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,
They can't put me together again.
Every day I sit on that wall,
But the poison’s kicked in and I’ve started to fall.

Mary had a little lamb,
Before it was taken and weighed at 50 kg.
She searched and she searched for that little white coat,
In her woollen shawl with its name on a note.

Incy Wincy spider climbed and he fell,
Stuck in his pipe of internal hell.
Battling smoke and rattling lungs,
But Incy Wincy won’t give it up.

She’s a little teapot, short and stout,
The others laugh and point and shout,
Her self-esteem’s boiling, she’s holding it tight,
Pour it all out while she cannot fight.

Have you got me any wool?
No sir, no sir you took it all.
What do you mean it’s all my fault?
Why do your kisses taste like salt?

Ring-a-ring-a roses shattered in the rain,
They are only flowers, they don’t feel the pain.
All fall, all fall, we all fall down,
Three days rotting before you’re found.
ivy Mar 2018
I settle for less
Because less is more
Right?
Love yourself before you love someone else. You may find you are stuck when you are in love. If you need love, don't crawl and scratch your way to find it. It's in yourself.
Neuvalence Mar 2018
I beg to bare that feeling
of knowing how
it feels to belong,
the feeling it is
where what I do
is little considered wrong,
and the feeling of
being able to
reciprocate their muse
indefinitely.

Nonetheless, I have found
within myself a strong bond
free from those who
claim I am wronged
excelling profoundly
in the craft I have
mastered and perfected
devoid of the ridicule
of those whom have wanted
Neuvalence Mar 2018
Amidst my yearning
The many colours I’ve loved
And spirits I’ve touched
Self-satisfaction staggers
To be prosperous within

Daisy Rae Mar 2018
they cover my face from forehead to chin
they rest in the most uncomfortable creases
they are red as a rash
and big enough as a bug bite
they stick out, they lie under my skin
they hurt and they sting when I try to scrub them clean
i’ve tried washes, creams, pills,
special oils, face masks, lotions,
the works
i don’t like the mirror because it makes me look at
these things that take up half my face
i don’t like to take pictures when my face isn’t clear
and makeup just makes it worse
i don’t like to go out
because I know others are watching
and wonder how someone could be so ugly
these pimples just don’t go away
no matter what I do
so please, if you meet me
and want to give some advice
i’d much rather you not
because, you see
i’ve already tried it all
and please do not utter that phrase
for I surely will blow up in flames
”oh stop acting like it’s such a big deal”
try living as me for a day
and you will see
that this feeling of dread
about the bumps on your face
never goes away
and you will surely see
that you look like this
and they look like that
and I promise you wouldn’t want to be me
Chronic acne is something I struggle with and what a lot of people also struggle with. A lot of uneducated people will assume that we aren’t trying hard enough. Dealing with chronic acne is not a walk in the park and needs a lot of work to be able to control it. Educate yourself before giving us your advice, we don’t need it.
V Feb 2018
Dear you in the mirror,
I don't understand;
Why?

Sincerely,
Myself on the other side.
Struggles with BDD
RatQueen Feb 2018
There's some protection in my reflection
A relief that I never mention
A disturbing sense of reality
Free from my ****** up mentality
Shows me I still exist on the outside
Without a rabbit hole to duck in and hide inside
Now I finally know I'm real
Is this the way I'm supposed to feel?

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant
Check my face in the pocket mirror
Does my hair look okay is my make up smeared?
I gotta make a good first impression
I try to be my own version of perfection
I'm tripping over my 2 left feet
To be each different person they all want me to be
If someone doesn't like you it really sticks
If you're unremarkable, do you even exist?

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant
Before you know it you're faced with your mistake
How many more times is it gonna take?
Some bruises just never heal
But a smile can always hide what you really feel
There's nothing left inside of me to break
But if you really try you get used to the ache
There's only 3 things on earth you cannot measure
Pleasure, pain, and forever.

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant.
body dysmorphia
Mindy Belgard Feb 2018
I should of left you years ago had I only known how much more pain you could actually cause me . If I'm getting honest perhaps i did know but I didn't want to admit it I wasn't ready I couldn't let you win to take power over me. I suppose I kinda got off on it the way you could make me feel incredible by eliminating my desire to feel at all. Or maybe I got off on the way you treated me always putting your needs ahead of mine the abuse and pain I believed I deserved. God how pathetic I was but I guess that's why it was so easy to get to know you to become devoured by your sweet seduction.. at the time I really needed you you saved me I guess that's why it's so hard to say goodbye to you as much as I truly sincerely ******* hate you and I do hate you I can't figure out how to escape the love I still will always have for you. You saved my life after all.. then you made it feel far from worth saving. I'm sorry it's been a good run but I'd say it's about time you've had this coming for awhile but I'd never been ready till now… and so I stand here hopeless Tired and ******* mad as hell to tell you it's time to go I'm ready to move on it won't be easy it isn't going to be easy but you win I surrender i am powerless over you and my life our life has become unmanageable I know when I'm with you that's the way it is.. so I'm leaving you to begin to pick up all the wreckage we made to buckle down and deal with my consequences for once in my life. And I have hope that one day I'll find someone better I'll be someone better and who knows I might even like me.. addiction you've been Dumped for Me so how does it feel? Wait you don't feel do you but don't worry I won't forget about you i couldn't I know your always there betting wishing waiting for me to **** things up expecting me to just come running back to you… and I know that will always be an option but right now I'm choosing life and feelings and depression and devotion and Hope never letting that Hope wonder to far away holding it close living Just for Today…..
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