it's the complete opposite of sweater weather,
and for once,
i'm enjoying it.
feeling the hot sand between my toes,
the contrast of the cool waves lapping at my body
as i soak up the sun before i get in,
the all too familiar smell of sunscreen,
that lingers all the way home till i shower off the salt
that formed onto my skin.
the routine that i get into,
clears my head,
making me relish the remaining time i have of it:
the sweet smile of the waitresses once i order my coffee,
already making more plans even when i'm out of the house,
posting pictures of how great i look
without the crippling pressure of school
that weighs down my shoulders.
truly, i don't know how i manage,
when the time eventually rolls around to wear sweaters

If this is loneliness
then its to have an ocean inside your head
but with no one to empty into
its to swim in its waters for hours on end
with no island in sight
floating, mindless with no destination in mind  
only to go with the flow

If this is loneliness
then its to be like atlas
immortal, in solitude forever enduring a great weight
oh how i wish for a hercules to build a pillar
to levee off this great burden
so i may stretch my shoulders  
and for once, say hi to the moon

If this is loneliness
then its ti know that silence
is the most deafening sound of all  
to sleep, to bathe, with no sound  but your own
with the knowledge and company of your mind and your soul

If this is loneliness
then its to befriend both sadness and joy  
one comes and the other go
but always never too long
sadness comes like the rain turns to storm
heavy, in angst, always going about swinging its huge tears
joy comes as the sun ray that pokes through the clouds
cheery, bright and a great sight to see for me

9 to Five

No sleep, real talk, my years behind me daily on the hunt they stalk me into today throughout each passing tommorrow its left me bound by sorrow so be honest with yourself as you read these words as if they were bound by fate in a book of broken memories soul restrained sanity entertained by necessity for survival but my nights release facts, my hand guided by pen dispensing sound through words of lost years lived in fear as I write blind-sidingly haunted by my own sentiments living bound safe in lies to avoid my demise I see this in our eyes gotta get wise and reverse the clock its ticking counter-clockwise but still pressing foward dressing my soul for a journey toward Who, What, When, and Where so thanks for the thoughts but I've been Here and I been There the fabric of my life has suffered its share of tears as surely as any other smiling by day crying by night I wanna give up n' just whiteflag this fight but this fight is life so despite being sick fearful of strife..

I turn my eyes to the light. Blind me, bind me, find me, remind me..

That I too once could love..
But it fell apart..
Heart unbound I wanna scream but can make no sound..

Gotta face the light..

I gotta stop this fight..

I will live and do my best to give but on the last day whenever it may be..

I wonder..

Would I relive this life again as myself..?

...Or perish the thought?

Alarm clock, ticktock, guess living this way is considered "alive"..

Off I go..

To work my 9 to Five..

I am change
And the opposite of change.
I am the turbulent turning of the tides
And the repeating rhythms that hold them in place.
I am the relentless forward march of time
And the regular rotations of a clock.
I am the frenzied lunges of a caged animal
And the immovable bars that keep it confined.
I am perpetually in motion
Yet I am confined by strange laws and forces beyond my control.

I yearn for freedom.
I am enslaved by the grooves that hold this roller-coaster in its blind orbit.
I am exhausted by this robotically rambling train of thought that never leaves its tracks.
I am weary of this winding waterway that chases its tail in a helpless cycle,
That only leads inevitably to the same heights of hope and depths of despair.

I want to wander and know that I won’t simply return to where I began.
I want to write a new story where I do not already know the ending.
I want this story to have a real absolute ****** and real absolute resolution.
I want to break the machinery that has fused with my heart and brain and spirit.
I want to hear the scream of steel and hissing of wires as it is scattered into lifeless fragments.
I want to hear the roller-coaster’s final chuffs of protest as it grinds to a halt.
I want to know that it is finished and I am only beginning.
I want to live and know that I am truly alive.

Is this the rest of my life?
Hands ticking, passing the time
Brush those teeth, part your hair right
One large sip, frozen in mind

Is this the rest of my life?
Hands ticking, passing the time
You say maybe, I say fine
Trap my sorrow, hold me tight

Three boys
I was the youngest
A family of five
In a big old house
With ONE bathroom

I learned the valuable lesson
Of waiting
Patiently
How to hold
It

And getting ready for school
Was a choreography
Of hierarchy
And I would wait
And wait

Until the yellow tiled room was mine
Alone
And I could brush my teeth
In peace
Then spit

Then look in the mirror
Comb my hair
And grin at that kid
Smiling a crooked smile at me
And say “good enough for a small town”

New routines
Broken dreams
Fair weather friends
At my doorstep
Reveal yourself
Feel the intensity
I can’t go on without it
I don’t want it if you’re not exposed
I must feel in control

fall in love
fall apart
fall asleep
- and repeat

Commitment.

Who says it’s going to be easy?
It’s not, and never be easy.

When you commit to someone, that means the world is not about you anymore. You’re no longer the main character. There will be him.

When you commit to someone, you don’t wake up to scroll Instagram, you will have someone to be updated.

When you commit to someone, you will arrange your schedules, there will be no time for you to be selfish for yourself, you will share what you have with him.

When you commit to someone, you will try hard to connect with him, and that means you need to adjust things, and maybe you lose yourself in it.

When you commit to someone, you will not jog by yourself, maybe he will accompany you or busy in your kitchen, making you a breakfast.

When you commit to someone, you will feel love, but you need to return the same amount of love to him, or even bigger.

And that hurts.
That’s not an easy job.