i probably shouldn't
but i already have
so don't try to stop me now
i don't want to die anyhow
just trying to mask the hurt
it's been two years to the day
i feel no better
i feel no worse
i just know bile gathers in my throat
and tears well up in my eyes
and i still remember the phone call
when they told me you died
oh how i cried
how i still cry
we cry
as a community
you gave us immunity
to the bad
you proved God would prevail
we saw you stumble at times
but never did you fail
a dad
a brother
a friend
why did your life have to end?

and every time this year i can't sleep
just a pile of pillows at my feet
the alcohol just gave me a headache
so i move on to something stronger
as i wait for it to get easier
the night just gets longer
midnight strikes and the day is here
and you're still gone
dead
like a retired song
just when i thought my heart was healed
it's remained broken all along
come on friend
come back and laugh again
hug me like you used to
fill me with that everlasting life
the beauty of you
in this empty void of grievance
in that absence
***** and pills will have to do

i ain't proud, no
but you had to go
and that's okay
i will be alright
i will get through this day

I know you just died,
But it's not over yet,
'Cause you'll live on
In all the people you have meet

In their memmories
You still exsist
In your music
Your spirit still lives

You've become immortal,
Though you were born to lose
You still managed
To make footprints with your shoes

The fact that you made an impact
On so many lives
Is the simple reason
That your memmory never dies.

You will never come home for the holidays or any other day

The Purity Scent Of Dead Poems
That Committed Suicide.

Rest In Ink.

She gave me a deformed M&M; and said
“Here.  It’s just like you.”
I took it and ate it, before she could take it back.

I savored every little bit of the blue candy coating and
decided it tasted the same as the rest.
The same as the “normal” ones.

She proceeded to give me a handful of differently colored M&Ms;
and I tasted each one.  They all tasted the same.  The same as
the deformed one.

She then gave me a broken and cracked M&M; and said
 “Here.  Just like you.”
I nodded and smiled as I once again took the candy,
knowing that this one would taste the same as the others.

Upon thinking more about these strange, chocolate candies
I remembered the M&Ms; that rested in a glass jar
atop my grandpa’s kitchen fridge.

They were the same as the deformed, broken, and regular ones now, yet
whenever he snuck us a small handful of those little, chocolate candies
they tasted better.  Special.
If only his hands could reach down from heaven now.

It is the birth day de mi padre,
I lay, grateful for the conversations before we had to part ways.
Inside of myself I see your face,
Calm, still, and happy fills my summer headspace
The void used to be a bruise to me, and I bumped it all the time.  Subconsciously moreso, but it brought me to my rhymes.  Thanks for helping me realize all will be alright.  It's now 111, I'm seeing special signs.  The beginning only begins once you let it in your mind.  One can never be defined, but my bias helps allow me to see the depth in your eyes.  Eternally a part of the design, reminding spines that they're intricate & divine.  Thank you for your choices, and the genesis it bred.  Thank you for the time, and the warm thoughts to blanket my head.  In the end, it came down to what was said.  I can rest in bed smiling because the timing was perfect, for had you waited to say anything then it would have never been worded.  There stands Mars, staring at the stars.  Inebriated and contemplating just how far you really are.  Imagination fills the dark, in my pocket there's a spark, and when ya wanna speak it will go straight into my heart.
I long left the cage made of rage when I decided to turn the page in order to set the stage.  Unfortunately sometimes it takes a tragedy for us to come of age.  Blessed in the ways we can seize the current day.  Jump in, the water's great, and here comes another wave,~  Underneath the splash crashes I heard my name, it was you, telling me everything is okay - and to float back up and become a mirror for those already saved.  I miss you, and wish you could stay.  I remain a child longing, with a mystery to taste.  So here eye am, unafraid, and destined to forever play among the blades of grass.  Appreciate what was, but know there is no home within the past.  Release the anxious worry over how long on this earth we're going to last.  Over-exerted circuits in the brain retire too fast - which doesn't allow the proper growth to know patience.  Ascension is not always painless.  I once was a patient desperately waiting to be seen.  dabbling around chemistry with a head full of steam.  Then I let go and a black hole swallowed those walls whole, along with the notion that we had no control.  Now I row, straight into my dream with intention.  Hoping to see you there for some sort of healthy lesson.  Apologies to my surroundings for the jumbled mess of stresses.  Embracing it all and cutting away the self to delve with introspection.  Abundantly grateful to exist, and find solace in these confessions.

I love you, Happy birthday Dad, rest easy

There's a feeling in the air.
A smell.
The smell of death of
Innocent people and children.
Of killers.
The blood on your hands.
I can't get it off.