There was something of October that reminded me to make sure you were still there. In the morning when I woke I rolled to your side to see you breathing softly and slowly like a babies first good nights rest. Something about last October reminded me of when he left without a warning or a note that I could crumple up and burn in a fire full of depression and self doubt. I curled up in the armchair facing you just watching you stay and promise to never let go. I wanted my old lover to be that way too, I wanted him to walk on fall leaves and sip cinnamon tea as the nights grew longer as time went. I wished upon a lonely star that he would be just like you but all the hoping turned into sorrow for nothing but his shoe prints were left upon the bottom stair and a string of his curly hair on my rain jacket.

its okay to be broken before you find time to heal
its okay to cry yourself to sleep
two nights in a row or ten
its okay to feel like you’ve lost everything
and to mourn that
to lock yourself in your room to avoid any sunlight
but you have to get back up
you have to remind yourself that you were fine before and you will be fine after
you have to start smiling at puppies again
and craving your favorite foods
you have to start living again
despite the ache your body has not to
because things will get better
one day youll wake up and forget the way the tears tasted
youll wake up and forget you were ever in pain at all
youll wake up and be okay
but thats only if you allow yourself to be

so yes
cry
cry an ocean and label it with his name
but remember that it is still your ocean
remember your body built something so beautiful without him
promise yourself that one day
youll sail across that ocean
and never even remember his name
yes
hide in your room
forget what sunlight feels like
so that when you finally decide to
re-emerge
youll relearn how sunlight feels
and this time it wont be attached to his name
but attached to your survival
yes
miss him
write poems solely about the color of his eyes
and the shape of his smile
and then remind yourself that only you have the ability to paint him that pretty
that beautiful
only you have the ability to turn thunderstorms into sunlight
so do it

remember
that its okay to be broken
its okay to wish yourself away
but only for a little while
you must remember
that time will not stop for your sorrow
and you shouldn’t stop for him
remember
there will be days when all you feel is the absence of his love
but the days that follow will show you that the absence of that is better than the presence
remember
if you are strong enough to be vulnerable to his love
you are strong enough to live without it
so do

I don't know what to say or how to say it but we all struggle.

These last couple of months I've take off to myself.
Wondering what to write and what to say but it just seems like any way seems to be have already said.

I've learned to be patient,
I've learned to hold my heart.
It's still a work in progress
And I know I'll end well.

Keep your eyes up and cry down those tears.
It's better you do instead of building it up for many years.

Now remember when I say this, you can just forget.
Write it down in a journal or on your skin.

Change it up,
Guard your heart,
But never ever try to blame your doubt.
Remember what to do it in humility and never it claim it in the name of Fame.
For who you are now is changeable but only if you are willing to put the work.

Sorry if I sounded like a mumble but this is what's needs to be said from the inside of my head.

I watched you live a life full of happiness.
Singing karaoke with the family in the living room,
Laughing as you tell stories of your life,
Bringing bibingka to every family party,
Embracing your grandchildren with love,
Giving my mother manicures,
Being loved by anyone you had come across.

I watched you live a life in pain.
Being diagnosed with cervical cancer,
Going through the straining effects of radiation,
Losing your body to the disease,
Suffering as the cancer spread to your lungs,
Struggling to stay awake in fear of not waking up,
Battling to conquer the disgusting sickness,
Laying in bed covered in tubes,
Fighting until you could not fight anymore.

I watched you live your life until the end.
Walking into hospital room,
Seeing your lifeless body,
Crying to know that you were gone,
Clinging to my brother and sister,
Feeling an emptiness that could not be filled,
Weeping with my grandmother over your casket,
Saying my final goodbye.

Now you watch over me.
And I cannot wait until I can live with you again.

I can still see it clearly here in my head
The way you walk towards me, I'm not prepared
Like two phones being paired
The connections between us are being shared

You're slowly walking towards me baby
Oh crap, You're such a beautiful lady
This memory keeps driving me crazy
Like the one finger push up of Bruce Lee

Step by step you're getting closer
My heart beats are getting stronger  
You just pass me by, I'm such a loser
I look back and saw you hug him tight like a bear

One Hundred Years
The war to end all wars ended exactly one hundred years ago
That war failed in its objective of making war and bloodletting obsolete
Just like the bow and arrow is now outdated war was meant to be
The renderings of battle and conflict consigned to the history books
When children ask their parents: WHAT WAS WAR?

The answer should have started thus: Well child...
But that scenario never happened because war is still with us
The old soldiers never grew old and their memory lives on
As their great grandchildren prime their guns and prepare for battle
Places like the Somme, Ypres, Verdun. Paschendale and Flanders are here

Inside the souls of the Tommie, the Poilu, the *** and more
Poppies commemorating the sacrifice and everlasting memory
Worn with pride by people like myself and my kin and my friends and family
Yet in places like Afghan and Syria and Iraq and Ukraine men fight and die
Death and destruction still rule the battlefield by blast and bullet

Weapons have advanced like smart bombs, jet fighters and missiles
Being a millennia on from biplanes, barbed wire and horses
Each soldier and each fight is mirrored thru history by another
Wars and battles complement one another in their ferocity and aim
Enemies must be defeated and military objectives achieved

Only the year and location changes while the soldier’s names fade away
To become unknown soldiers in our collective hearts and minds
Passing over before their time and entering the history books
Some are a footnote, others in heroic battles and a few forsaken
Every generation since the Great War owes it to the past to make peace

And keep hold of that peace forever more and spike the guns and grenades
So our world knows peace and harmony in an eternal Peace Dividend
The Military Industrial Complex being used for something better
Future warriors being out of work and doing new jobs
Think of the past and that awful Great War and what we can do now

Turn our world around and remember the sacrifice and cost of Total industrial war
Let no more warriors die in no more wars except in books, games and films
Remember our great fallen warriors and be humbly grateful and act their deed
Universally advancing world peace and making war obsolete forever

I was taken hostage
By my own mind
Till I lost it
Use to be blood In my veins
Now my heart pumps Pain
My Soul was a source of peace
Now it's a lost piece of me
Each breath gets heavier
It's an increasing burden
Without any barrier
I am handcuffed to myself
Lost the key
Now, I'm no where
And If you do care
Remember me
I may return someday
Maybee.