I watched you live a life full of happiness.
Singing karaoke with the family in the living room,
Laughing as you tell stories of your life,
Bringing bibingka to every family party,
Embracing your grandchildren with love,
Giving my mother manicures,
Being loved by anyone you had come across.

I watched you live a life in pain.
Being diagnosed with cervical cancer,
Going through the straining effects of radiation,
Losing your body to the disease,
Suffering as the cancer spread to your lungs,
Struggling to stay awake in fear of not waking up,
Battling to conquer the disgusting sickness,
Laying in bed covered in tubes,
Fighting until you could not fight anymore.

I watched you live your life until the end.
Walking into hospital room,
Seeing your lifeless body,
Crying to know that you were gone,
Clinging to my brother and sister,
Feeling an emptiness that could not be filled,
Weeping with my grandmother over your casket,
Saying my final goodbye.

Now you watch over me.
And I cannot wait until I can live with you again.

Is it under the editing of my face you do to fix all my flaws?
Is it under all the makeup I put on because you told me to?
Is it under all the weight you want me to lose?

Is it behind my tearful eyes when I hear all your criticism?
Is it behind all the stretch marks that cover my body?
Is it behind all of the forced positivity I have for myself?

Tell me where.
I want to know.

Because I cannot find in myself. Not for who I am.
Maybe in who you want me to be.

...
And in that moment I realized
Her pieces shatter more quickly
Than she can glue them together
And in between the broken seconds
That her universe is in chaos
Those pieces of her soul
Break down to mere dust
And float away in the winds
Of what once was
Joined by the false notion
That her future could be brighter
If only
She gathered her pieces
A little faster.

She can’t tell who will leave
and who will stay.
Instead she chooses
To push them all away.

Being vulnerable
Is her greatest fear.
Her heart is too guarded
To let someone near.

So scared to be loved
Afraid to trust.
If she is broken again
She may crumble to dust.

You are more.
There's something in you.
Although I know you are beat down to the core,
And you want to give up, but I am begging you not to.

It's in your eyes.
Like watching a raging fire with nothing in its way.
And you wear a disguise.
Yet it doesn't hide me from seeing your heart on display.

You try to counteract the system,
With a mind of those dancing flames, distorted images of beauty.
You're always in an enchanting rhythm.
Never out of tune within me.

Why are you so broken inside?

Even your walk tells me that you are screaming for someone to hold you.

I can tell that all the tears have dried.

Without spoken words, I already knew.

And I wish you knew that I think you're beautiful in a way.
I want you to know, but what for?
I think that you're in dismay,

Because oh my god. . .

You are so much more.