I sometimes get moments, just like this one
Where I think back
Back on something someone said
Told me about life, that I thought I understood
But suddenly one day really understand and realize how wrong I was back then


The time I spent in the hospital, finally accepting help
I came to think
That it is not as scary to be here
It has made me feel stronger, capable of trying again
But it has also led me to this place where I must make a decision


The decision of what to do, two paths to choose between
And I have been thinking
Weighed the options against one another
I have come to a decision, not sure if it is the right one
But I cannot walk without looking at the ground anymore


Someone once told me, that life is full of parting ways
Of having two different options of which way to go
Sometimes it is a good and a bad option, where the obvious is to choose the good one
Sometimes it is two good - or two bad ones
And you might find yourself wondering what to choose
Spending so much time not making a decision because you are scared of choosing wrong
But sometimes you just have to take a random pick and go with it

Sometimes you have to let go of control

And just try

Allergies... Allergies.
Gosh, **** it, allergies.
The sniveling sniffles
Ravaging in my nostrils

Itching... that itch,
It makes my nose twitch.
The sting through the tunnels
Of my overall troubles.

Eh.... AHH...
I promise I'm not sad,
My eyes are just showing
The twinge of my sneezing.

you said, "cry me a river".
and so i did.
but then you complained because you didn't have a boat.

i kept knocking on wood, too bad it was laminate.

i never thought i'd make it this far.
let's start with that.
i never thought i'd have someone look me in my eyes and tell me they're in love with me and see such a bright future, with... me.
i never thought i'd live through all of the pain, agony, torture, slices and burns on my arms and legs, yelling, screaming, and dark hallways.
i never thought i'd find a light.
i never thought it would be hiding within myself, just waiting for the spark to ignite all that i am worth.
i am more than their cruel words and intentions.
i am more than circumstance and ****** situations.
i am more than anyone expected me to be.
and everyday i grow and surpass all of that more and more.
i am 16, going on 17.
and for once, there is light, there is a future, there is kindness.
my eyes have never been so open.
i hope no one comes to close them again.

there are some things
that i just cannot tell
anyone about.
they are meant
to be concealed,
to be mine
and kept unknown forever
but i do not know
and certainly not sure
what to do with them
anymore.

I barely recognize myself anymore
When I was young I knew what I wanted when I grew up
Am I even growing anymore?
I feel stuck
I can't breathe here anymore
I've become too large for this small town
How will I get out without the brains or the talent to do it?
Am I here for a reason?
What is my life supposed to look like?
I feel like I've made a wrong turn in the universe
My heart is somewhere else and I can't find it
It left without saying goodbye
Where am I meant to end up?
How am I supposed to get there?
Why am I going through these things?
Do I even matter anymore?
Have I done all I can for this world and now am I just waiting for death?

i came into this world 23 chromosomes of her and 23 of him
i came into this world for them to use me against each other
i came into this world for them to treat me like an object
THEIRS
no individuality
just...
theirs

years go by and i've started to discover myself
and as my petals open up and i bloom into the flower i'm supposed to be
i am rejected and have petals torn off one by one
"you're not gay"
"you shouldn't cut your hair"
"you look like a boy"
"you look so grungy and messy"
"your name is Kaylee"

but i was max
i was gay
i cut my hair
i looked like a boy sometimes
i wear band t-shirts and ripped jeans
but it's not enough
my individuality isn't taken into account
i am not a blooming flower
i am a mere seed
i have yet to be what they want me to be
and so therefore i am not anything
"it's all a phase"
"in 10 years you'll look back on this and feel so dumb"

i will never be enough
not for them
not even for myself now
nothing is good enough
i fight the hatred with knowledge and pride
and now i've just learned to stand to the side
as they come with their pesticide to run me back into the ground
tuning me out until i learn how to not make a sound