And then everything that ever made sense crumbled and shattered. And i was left to let the water overcome me. It ran down, flowed with a constant that comforted. The moisture started breaking down that which i settled to engage myself with.

And here i am mourning something that was never quite mine in the first place.

I figured out why I have depression,
I figured this is what I should mention,
I get depressed when others feel down,
Whether they're yellow, white, red, or brown,
I feel as if I need to make them happy,
When I'm around them I start to feel sappy,
Even if they cover up with fake emotion,
I still show them my special kind of devotion,
There is only three things I should've said,
That come from everything I sweat and bled,
I love you,

Recently
The person I am now dating
Has come to terms with
His own trans identity
When we met he looked like a girl
But I could sense something within him
Something that resonated with
My own confusing feelings of gender
I asked him if he was trans
And at that point
He used the term nonbinary
I felt really excited about this
Finally there was someone like me
Who definitely was not a woman
But never felt like a man either
It was actually just a space in his journey
And he eventually came out to me again
It's my first time having a boyfriend
Since coming to terms with my queerness
And I love him deeply
But it has not been easy
Mostly because of the fact that
His transition has led me
To come face-to-face with
My own repressed identity
I have to address and recognize
All of my internalized transphobia
Most of which is aimed at the mirror
Fueled by years of denying myself
While I am definitely not a woman
And have never felt like a man
A lot of the time I feel like a boy
And hope that I will pass as such
I am finally ready to really listen to me
And the needs of my identity
To resume my rightful path
On the road to being myself again

i’m not sure what to hold onto anymore.
everything seems new,
though i’ve known it all before.
am i living my truth,
upholding my truth?
who knows...
i’m not sure what to hold onto anymore..

Gifts entertain people while an anointing changes lives.
                                                        
                                                                ­                                 -Kada

Sadness feels like a hug from a friend
It is familiar
It envelopes me and makes me uninhibited
I can just be because being won’t get any worse      It’s like I have nowhere to go
I don’t have to be afraid of falling
because I’ve already fell and now I’m on the ground
Safe and sound
Happiness feels like being on a ledge and looking down with a ladder right next to you
Higher or lower
There is no guarantee except that of risk

I wanted you to be, who I wanted you to be and I regret it. You're not the man I love. The man I love is in my head... A figment of my corrupting imagination. You didn't take the advantage, you didn't even play the character -it was just I who played the fool. But you could have stopped me, halted me right then and there. Stopped me in my deluded tracks. I'm an idiot. A fool. A vulnerable lover.