wanting what
you can’t
have
is the
#1
cause
of
broken hearts.

look it
up.

you were never home to me
but my longing for that was so intense, it almost felt like you were
and then all at once i realized; you're my hiraeth
to be with you, inside our own four walls, was all i desired
but our house was destined to burn down

our love is a set of stars that make up a constellation
too complicated for even the most experienced astrologists to decipher
but you will continue to be my hiraeth
because the comfort i feel when im in your arms is incomparable
and although you cant be, you will always feel like home to me

i yearned for our love to be forever
but it was meant to desist
and then all at once i realized; it's our ephemeral
lamentably, it can't be our forever
for it was made of stars, and all stars have to die out eventually

but let's let it be ephemeral
because although the stars will dwindle away soon,
while they are still burning bright, they are beautiful,
and so are we

I was once convinced
Everything would
work itself out.

Every problem had a solution
Every fixation, an axis
Every point? purposeful.

Certainly time was an equation.
Solving the question of final age
was merely the addition of years
and the subtraction of moments
our vices swallowed.

Everything was orderly.
Numbers in a row.
Empty boxes, waiting to be checked.

DNA strands coiled ceremoniously
into my exact composure
worried about me so I wouldn't have to.

Days flaking off like dandruff,
unsightly flecks of fragility,
floating toward irreversible fate.


I would live until I wouldn’t.

I would teeter
        ...skid
                   ....careen
through hours, anxiously awaiting
never taking a breath to rest and reflect.


Death was algebra.
I was subtracted from morality,
added it back as fatality.

Evening out- solving for X,
My many quaking days
having lost their grip.
            ~
Life is not math.
Life is trash recycled into sporadic moments that won't last.

Simplicity was never synonymous
To consciousness.
Sentient beings will always suffer.

Words will never suffice
When the feelings are out of place.
Attempts at descriptive narrative
only feel like a forced hand,
a poor play.

My slippery fingers are arthritic,
clutching at the vapors
of moments before mistakes.

I've never kept anything I loved.
I have ****** out of hate
more than I have out of lust.

I was always what I wanted to be
never was what I needed to be
And when desire ran dry
I always settled in the dust of desolate decisions.

The bell curve never helped with my grades
And this learning curve can’t help me find my place.


C.e.M. Aug. 11, 2016

I'm always switching from optimist to pessimist,
why not realist?

A dream
Soaring towards
boundless ideas
Paving the path
Verisimilitude

Society.
Placed me in the box of
idealists.
Striding to convince me
my feet
need to find
the ground.

Society.
Untethered me.
Released me
into the realm
of possibility.
Freeing me
to create
Ideology Reality

i do not see the glass
half full or half empty
i see the lipstick stain
on the side
and wish
your mouth
was on mine
instead

i refuse to
wear red
but
i let my
wrists drain
the color
because
i like the way
it contrasts
against
the marble
bathroom
sink

i'm the
thorn on the
rose

I'll never admit
how i
dance
at 3am
when the world
sleeps
my clothes
on the floor
except
the black lace
around
my hips
wishing
instead
they were
your
lips

i won't
gloss my lips
and
wish for
yours
to do the job
for me

i taste
like
a
sad
50's
blues
song
you can't
stop
listening
to;
try for yourself

but buried are
these thoughts
and hidden
are the desires

lock & key
return to reality

awaken
9-5
sleep
die

i will die
with
a petal
hidden
where
no one
can find it
to signify
all
the love
which
never
came
my way

It ***** to be a realist. To know that the world can be terrible and at the same time be filled with the possibilities of the wonderful. And then there's you, the poor realist, who somehow has all this truth and hope and idea of everything black and white, good or bad. So you build up this fear inside you, this pain that everything can go either ways of opposing extremes and there's nothing you can do about it except go on  and live with both sides.