If I just let my mind wander
It brings a sense of peace in a time full of chaos
It is the end of the semester and big projects are becoming eminent
But here I am
Have not begun to start on them
Need rough drafts due next week but
Don’t know where to even start
If i ask for help will I be looked down on?
Probably not
But why is it so hard to ask for help
Is it because I’ve always had to be self-reliant?
At one point does someone learn to ask for help
The problem being I don’t even know what I need help with
Thoughts of ending life are at the back of my mind
But I have so much I can learn still
How do you quiet down the voices in your head
Maybe there is a reason that
I need to ask for help
How did I get here?
So far behind in everything feeling inadequate
Wondering if there is a place to rebuild myself
Would talking to a counselor help?
Honestly what can they do besides tell me to stop
Stop working so much
Focus on school
It’s not that easy
I need a living to survive
I need income to maintain
Maintain my bills
My accounts are all at zero
Zero how I feel about myself

We are nothing but an empty shell,
Filling our voids with warm things to feel alive,
A composition of ravished corpses of once
Living beings that will warm our dead inside.

We are nothing but animals,
Playing human every day, faking empathy and emotion,
Playing God every day, ravaging and killing our host,
Beautiful lands left with nothing but corruption.

We are nothing but greed,
A broken people cutting their skin with green paper,
Pretending this is what true happiness means,
Killing each other for the bliss of coins.

Desperately fighting my rotten ego,
I pour blood into this empty vessel, the cage of my soul,
The core of a virus pretending to live righteously,
Yet I know that this version of me is indifferent.
A parasite.

6 years old
invited to a twins birthday party
one side the boys
one side the girls
just as conventional as a toy store

I look closer here
I look closer there
Then it struck me

the simplest words would change my life forever
two words
one thought
a thought that would stay with me
for the rest of my life
as this epiphany
was like no other

'I'm neither.'

If only life was bliss
If only I kept your kiss
If only life did not change
If only it wasn't so strange
If only you were still here
to you, I felt so near.
If only I wasn't so down
How can I change this frown?
If only we kept our words
If only we could fly like the birds

If only it weren't so lonely
I'd be by your side
Our two hearts would collide
If only you were here
Everything would feel so clear

All these silly indecisive decisions
Weigh on this troubled mind
Always seems to be complicated situations
Processing through this conscious conscience
Can't seem to digest all this information
Straight from the page to my brain
All I feel is disconnection
From this interjected rejection
Gotta break free of this intersection
Give me the will to pick the right direction

If only I had your touch
If only everyone loved so much
If only I could hear
If only I felt no fear
If only you felt me there
If only love was in the air
If only friends pulled through
If only I put my arms around you

If only it weren't so lonely
I'd be by your side
Our two hearts would collide
If only you were here
Everything would feel so clear

All these silly indecisive decisions
Weigh on this troubled mind
Always seems to be complicated situations
Processing through this conscious conscience
Can't seem to digest all this information
Straight from the page to my brain
All I feel is disconnection
From this interjected rejection
Gotta break free of this intersection
Give me the will to pick the right direction

If only I felt alive
If only I could find the drive
If only you had my heart
If only we weren't so far apart
If only we took a glance
If only we took a chance
If only we were all we could be
If only I didn't give you my soul
Then I wouldn't be stuck in this dark hole
IF only I didn't miss
If only you never gave me your kiss
If only it was so real
if only you turned the wheel
If only...
If only it weren't so lonely
I'd be by your side
Our two hearts would collide
If only you were here
Everything would feel so clear

All these silly indecisive decisions
Weigh on this troubled mind
Always seems to be complicated situations
Processing through this conscious conscience
Can't seem to digest all this information
Straight from the page to my brain
All I feel is disconnection
From this interjected rejection
Gotta break free of this intersection
Give me the will to pick the right direction

©2017 Written By Benji James

I remember the day you gave me the first set of red roses- you did it on New years because you always said Holidays were easier to remember-
I remember the feeling's I got-
Passion.
Excitement.
Anxiety of being treated with such love.

I remember the second time you gave me red roses- it was after we broke up for the third time- you promised we would work it out this time.
I remember the feeling's I got-
Sadness.
Love.
Hope.
Anxiety at thinking It wasn't going to get better.

I remember the last time you gave me flowers, my favorite daisies, you were moving across the country.
I remember the feelings I got-
Depression.
Lost.
Confusion.
Anxiety at knowing this was the last time we would ever have to fix us.

I don't blame you for retreating and hiding away.
I don't blame you for not wanting this to work out.
I do however blame you for making me feel worthless in the process.

I do blame you for the fact that I will forever question any man who gives me flowers and whether for not he is going to leave and never come back.
Anxiety.