Daniella Nov 8

The pain of losing a friend

Some nice, good people
that you just can't click with
not anymore

No ones fault
Time, Change, Space maybe

You could want a bond
could desperately cling on to the scraps of it

But it doesn't work out
It doesn't hold

Daniella Nov 8

6 years old
invited to a twins birthday party
one side the boys
one side the girls
just as conventional as a toy store

I look closer here
I look closer there
Then it struck me

the simplest words would change my life forever
two words
one thought
a thought that would stay with me
for the rest of my life
as this epiphany
was like no other

'I'm neither.'

gender is weird and knowing you aren't either a girl or boy from a young age is weird cos i didn't know what exactly I was but I knew what I wasn't
Daniella Nov 8

Instead of cutting I used lipstick to draw blood
I'd make sure to buy cheap makeup
so it would stain on my skin
just like my scars

Daniella May 2016

Look at what education has become
Teachers don't teach any more
They read and go through narrow
check-lists like robots

And we as students quickly learn that
all school is, is bullet points
We learn that learning is knowing
exactly what's on the curriculum
and nothing more

These aren't being taught this stuff
We are being trained to decode exams
that are blank and souless

There is no passion in those stacks of paper
No feeling

Daniella Mar 2016

I used to wonder how people make fun of their mental illnesses
I used to wonder how anyone can make light of their problems

"I'm not gonna commit suicide today doc..not today
I'm too busy to die, look I've got a family sized Malteasers
pack to eat and I need to know what happens to Daredevil."

I thought, how could you make fun of what's happening to you?
I thought, how could you make it out to be funny and comical?

But now I'm here
In this shit.
And to joke about it all, is all I've got
That's what I have to do to keep going

I need to make this funny because I can't handle the truth
I literally can't handle how serious my problem is
It numbs the pain and it works

I used to wonder how people make fun of their mental illnesses
I used to wonder how anyone can make light of their problems
But now I get it
I understand now

Daniella Mar 2016

The creature touched my temple
I felt my brain melt and bubble
I felt it dribble out of my ears and down my neck
burning down my spine
The creature made seven neat slits on the sides my upper chest
it had a habit of reopening wounds and slicing up old scars
With long fingers, the creature cut my ribs and picked them off my sternum
it slid out each spilt bone one at a time
it did it slowly, to make sure I could feel my unsupported flesh slap against my defenceless organs, enveloping them, suffocating them
seconds seemed to break down into a million fractions
the creature would only slide my ribs back and rejoin them once it sensed my heart stutter near to a stop.

As the creature retreated, my liquid brain solidified
what was left in my skull, ached and felt toxic
my legs shook and wobbled a few steps
my chest heaved, reopening my lungs, greedily taking in air as I lent against the cold wall
"Please mind the gap between the train and the platform."

Daniella Mar 2016

I had to think about things that I didn't want to think about
I had to force the words out of my mouth
I had to think about what had happened
who I was
who I didn't want to be

That girl I buried within me
dug herself up and took her first breath of fresh air
her skin pail and rough
having not seen the sun's glow in a while
I scream at her to crawl back but its done
She is exposed to the world and I can't go back
Every time she breathed, I died a little inside
My forced out words encouraged her
She's trying to stand now and I'm suffocating

This is what I was afraid of
I didn't want this part of me alive
I wanted that girl I was to be buried deep
so I wouldn't have to see her
But here I am
I can see her
and the pain of remembering begins

How I felt when trying to forget about the past and forget about a time of pain. But of course keeping in pain so big it will eventually burst out of you

— The End —