I sometimes get one of those headaches
that lingers thinking it's gone but it's not
I feel there isn't much I can do but purge my words
onto my paper asking the lines to take it away
I need to put these emotions somewhere
I have been silent too long and I'm hoping my mind
stays on track and the head ache goes away

change is inevitable
the world is spinning
but I feel lost in time
trying to make sense of things
but there was never sense...
only feelings....I feel too much...

the wind may change directions
and blow gray shadowed skies
over me blocking my concentration
driving my mind crazy

I try so hard to change the way the wind
is blowing but my thoughts leaves behind
many questions and yet sometimes I don't
even feel like answering with "why" or
"I don't know" yet those thoughts continue

I take in a deep breath and the gray
will fade making things better
I just keep moving forward with my chin up
its never easy but everything will be alright

its a brand new year yet
sometimes I just want
the days to last longer
but times does fly by
with no way to slow it down
no matter how hard I try

I float through time just
like birds soaring the sky
I live life to it fullest yet
changing with each step I take
the steps that I make as go
are for my next generation to follow

I am still able to keep my flow
through every word I type or write
I can feel just what and how I feel
it really inspires me for this I know
Yes I do, I do really understand
I must be patient for it takes time to heal
I can tell that all will be ok

change is such a good thing to see
for without change the Earth just might
stop its spin; then where would I be?

I wish that I could
purge you from
my mind.

This chronic cough
has no mercy

However,
I'll let it take it's toll on my body,
because it's only doing me a favor
by purging every last bit of you
out of me

Each new gasp of fresh air I take in
is a breathe of yours I breathe out
and with that
comes your "love" that I had
accidentally swallowed whole

Maybe that's why I'm choking.

I have this aching, gnawing hunger,
it just won't seem to pass.
Why can't I ever find a fix,
the fullness never lasts.

I binge on *** and purge with shame,
it's become a sick, twisted little game.

I was always taught that holding hands,
is something from a lover.
How can you kiss my head, and nose,
but say you don't care without a stutter?

Since when did staring longingly into eyes,
become a mask or some disguise?

What is the truth, tell me, does it exist anymore?
If a guy kisses me, holds me, caresses me,
then shows me the door.

Is there a realness, does it exist?
These things cause so much bliss.

But they're just a fix, to numb my hunger.
For REAL love, affection, lust, and desire.
What is real affection, is it out there?
This ******* is causing too much to bear.

I'm starving, I'm aching, please stop doing this to me.
For my heart is too big, too big for there to be no love to be.

I'm told the only way grow
over you, is to peel apart every memory;
I must reach down my choked-up
throat, and feel around for you inside
my broken body - find the figments
of my bitter fantasies and watch them over
and over

[the night we walked home
at 3am and shouted lyrics from Snow
Patrol at the scarecrows in the
graveyard/ the night we ******
three consecutive
times/ the night I decided
I would let myself fall]

until I suffocate and hate you,
all the same; the best-tested remedy
is to become a practicing
******* - a professional
pain analyst,

and so I'll gag myself
cleansing my body from your
presence, I'll pour my liver out
if only to pry apart the
bargains;
I will ruin every black and white
filmstrip if only to say
goodbye
for the last time

I stare at myself in the mirror a long time
Wondering why I'm here and not out living my prime
The girl under this make-up, lost and forgotten, she always wears this mask that covers her mass destruction
She destroyed herself to make herself feel loved
She starved herself
She purged herself of everything society saw bad
She covered up her insecurities with concealer and mascara
She put on a smile to cover her frown
She covered every bit of herself up and suffocated her slowly
Now the girl in the mirror, she's always remembered, but the girl under her body and personality mask is now lost and forgotten

the fabric of reality
rests on the idea that
everything is nothing
and nothing is
what I've been
yearning for

interstellar or interstitial
irregular and irradiant

never too late
always significant
sometimes terrifying

just say yes

Process and Purge
a radical transformation
is upon us
open your Heart and
your Mind will follow

one day this body
will be a corpse
and that doesn't
frighten me
in the slightest

ordinary anxieties
lose their authority
and I am Alive
at last

when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that breaks your heart.
when you feel that pain rushing down to your stomach, making you *****, ***** out the broken peices..
when you've purged yourself of all feeling, and you feel your body slowly start to become numb.