Ah, the mercurial female pursuit!
The greatest and the damnedest game
What stunning highs and cruel lows
Where patience is lost and hearts are claimed

To feel the the pleasure of the chase!
The pursuit is worth the heavy toil
Great angst and fear are put to shame,
Eclipsed by sweet romance's spoil

But what is this? It seems to me
The playing ground's all bare today
Except for stone-faced referees
None of the players have come to play

I'll have to turn about and leave
No man can play this game alone
It seems an awful waste but yea
I'll pack my things and head back home.

I've tried to play a number of times
Prepped and practiced, just in case
There'd be another player to play
A worthy foe for me to face.

And we are made to play, and win
This game that we've all known and seen
This challenge, unequaled! Upon the earth
The greatest sport that's ever been

My spirit falters, as time marches on
Diligence, heart, and patience all wilt
I know not why this all must pass
Is this the thing for which I was built?

But I believe that someday soon
The pitch will shine an ecchoing green
And on that day I'll play the game
Against a player as yet unseen.

My safety advisory system been elevated to RED

Please be aware of your surroundings at all times and do NOT leave your body unattended....but! I should capitalize that...BUT it is not always a choice. And lately, awareness and attendance to my body have not been a choice. I cannot stay in this body at night. It is uninhabitable. And I tell DT there is so much I can’t talk about. So many things that happened that I’m so ashamed of ~ things I cannot believe I did. And I don’t trust myself. I don’t like the huge blackness that surrounds me that continues to threaten me every night.

I don’t want to remember. I want to forget it all. All of it. Because at night, when the anguish and pain torment me to the point I consider taking a bottle of Vicodin, and slitting my wrists in the bathtub, it scares me. So many things that remind me of back then terrorize me now, in my present moment. And I know I need help with it ~ but at the rate I’m able to communicate about this stuff, I will surely be dead before the torment stops. DT tells me to be patient, be patient…but it just keeps getting worse and one night my patience is going to run out and I will do something irreversible.  But still he says, be patient, he says he has respect and patience and he will be here when I'm ready to talk.  But I'm afraid to speak because the truth is too scary.  I offered to draw him a picture instead.  His patience feels infinite and yet I still feel as though I am drowning and he is taking too much time blowing up the life raft.  

I feel sick. And I feel worried. The pain is torturing me and the pain meds barely touch it. It’s that bad right now.  I want to cut...it’s been a struggle.

And I feel worried. And not just for me. I have two good friends whom are also struggling and I don’t know how to help them because I feel so lost too right now. I want to help them but I don’t know what to do. Just be right here, I guess. I wish I could tell them that it’s going to be okay ~ and I could say that, but I don’t know how long it will be before we make it to okay ~ and I don’t know if I have the energy make it that far.

My Security threat level has now been raised to RED. I am safe right this minute, but I don’t know how long I can stay that way…there is no way to tell.

I'm whispering
for you to hear
believing you still
believe in me.
I see your life
I hear your thoughts
or what I thought
they used to be.
Sitting, dreaming,
tired, just counting
all the falling
leaves of a tree.

There’s a person here in front of me,
Their voice is in my head.
They’re saying not to rush, you see.
They’re begging for patience instead.
“Please, just take your time,”
They’re crying out,
“For these present days are sublime,
Don’t spend them all whining about,
The things that do not change,
Live your life as a happy person,
For the number of roads possible in your life have large range.”
And with that, these people were gone.

There's a reason I notice your name where I never thought it belonged before, and I don't think my heart can project my feelings where I set my eyes to look because if it could it wouldn't jump so hard and fast at the slightest vocalizing of your name. I try to shut that book like I violently slam the door shut on any negative thought of you. I've never seen signs like this before, it's almost as if they were flashing neon lights that were actually important to someone.
No.
Not someone.

Me.

This time, this time

it doesn’t feel like he’s mine.

This time, this time

he walks without a spine.

Straight through your mind

to tangle thoughts into winds.  



This time this time

it doesn’t feel like he’s mine.

This time, this time

he walks without a spine.

Straight through your mind

to tangle thoughts into winds



and as you heartbeat falls behind

you find he’s ticking on without a care.

He’s everywhere, anything and many

things even I  wouldn’t dare to dream of.



Each is lost to his taking

Even when clocks hands

are braking or the earth is shaking.

Our fathers rather impatient.



And in that spirit I’m not waiting



To Catch And To **** Time.



Some will follow the projections

of a hollow blue light.

Others run without direction-

off into the black night.  



To catch and to **** time,

Detach his head,

rip out his spine

sending him wandering

as clueless as us.



Whats next? Whats up ahead?

Whats round the bend?

Have I got another minute

or is there just a second to lend.

A perfect man for me was never moulded by a box,
A box that screamed multitude of labels
To satiate the chaotic minds of society,
A belonging judged by feudality, no rhyme or reason required or questioned.

A perfect man for me was never measured by material things,
He gives abundantly by just being around,
An illuminating source of comfort on the other end listening,
Empathising and leaving a trail of laughter that makes me fall even deeper.

A perfect man for me was never masked crusader (okay, maybe Batman sometimes),
He is maskless for the world to bask in his genuity,
No bounds or limitations set on his acts of kindness and love,
Selfless and generous with his time, blind to any creed or pedigree.

A perfect man for me was never one to run away from problems,
Valiantly facing the raging bulls head on,
Inner strength personified by his poise and determination,
"I will get through this unscathed and no one will stop me".

A perfect man for me was never an owner of a cold crackled heart,
Headstrong, gallantly keeps the family together in a bind of unconditional love,
Lovingly adores his sunshine, making sure she knows she is loved with the same fervour,
Day in and day out, void of complains and pettiness, as the world turns.

A perfect man for me was never perfect,
Owning up to his flaws and shortcomings and being aware of mine,
A cycle that is never vicious but one that is laced with acceptance and non-judgments,
He inspires the best version of myself as he aspires to better himself.

A perfect man for me spells Y-O-U,
And the way that you are is exactly how I love Y-O-U.

Shalini Nayar
24.11.14
(C) 2014

There are no hands willing to help
No voices that ask "how are you's?"
The only sound that I hear
Is the sound of my fearful heart
It beats faster
And my breathing grows harder
As if there is a weight so heavy
Upon my chest

Do I have choices?
No...the hurtful answer
Oh! There's one!
Said the voice inside me
To have no fear
Yes! Be strong and of good courage!

Add a little more patience
Endure a little more pain
You'll never know how much you can endure
Unless you try
The pain will be felt lesser
And you'll get used to it
Be not afraid