Breakaway
Lose myself
Vanish
Forget the world
It wishes to do the same
Escape route
None

when you are talking to her at one a.m.
i hope you are telling her about
your favorite music
and
what you like to do when you are bored
and
about your family
or
why you wear those bracelets

tell her about everything that you love.

                                                                    i hope you don’t blurt out my name

All I feel is a whole lot of empty.

Nothingness.

And you don't understand how overwhelming that is.

I need everything to stop,
just for a while so I can regain my sanity.

But it doesn't.
Everything keeps going and I don't have a second to gain control.

So I spin out.

Hang me with a pretty red scarf,
Gag me with my ambitions,
let me suffocate.

My chaos is my own doing,
Leave me to die on my own ******* sword.

Doggy paddle isn't swimming,
It's "active drowning."
The little pieces of information
Learned in the conference room of a YMCA,
Preparation to carry a red tube
And sit in a chair, observing;
To preside over age extremes
Swimming to and fro.

I sit in my chair
Carefully keeping track
As people come in and out of the room.
Someone comes up to me;
I stand up, shake their hand,
And maintain eye contact just as I was taught.
They walk away, leaving me to sink
Deeper and deeper into this chair.

Following me
Chilling my bones
Sending ripples through my muscles
Fear slowly injected into my veins

Running
Shouting
But none show
None are there
Only you

Panting
Looking back
Only to see you are lost
In a forest so dark and unknown
Stealing the light
Not even doing so much
As to put up a fight

Feather falls
Bird unseen
Cries into the void
Echos returning
Haunting

Fragile soul
Yet ever so bold
Stronger as it grows old
Scrape away the mold
To reveal the marvel within

But this mold
Cracked and chipped
Will it ever break of its prison?
Will it ever glimpse a future
Beyond this childhood?

Laughter
Cries
Wailing from the depths of the heart
Only one of two emerges
Taking the child in
Arguments burst
Continue
For years...

Finally
Break
Separate
Blame
It overwhelms

Temporary stability
Then the world quakes
Your life shakes
Then all is quiet
Only for a little while

Yelling, shouting,
Whilst I am hiding
Trying so hard to escape it
But you're too caught up
In your terror and rage
That you don't think of me
Hiding in the dark
Waiting for the sweet
Yet haunting
Sound of silence...

- Jay M
April 17th, 2019

I want to die, oh God, not again.
"What can I do to help, babe?"
I don't know, I don't know.
Laying on the floor trying so hard
Not to grab the knives you collect in your drawer
To find the sharpest one
Test each blade on my skin.
Not to die because I know people need me
But just to release some of this ******* pressure in
my chest, so no I don't know how you can help.
Have a maple tap?
Just put it in my artery and let me drain
Because I'm so full of anger and longing
and I don't know how to process this ****
and no you can't help me
my therapist is helpless
and I don't know how to fix this.
So please just *******, okay?
Wait no, I didn't mean it.
You know what, whatever.
******* too, **** everything.

Some days I do not have the strength to keep moving
I blank out, completing forgetting what I was pursuing
Constant thoughts of "What am I doing?!"
Wishing thoughts in my head would stop cooing
I feel like my energy has been drained
The relationships I have all seemed to be strained
My heart is just overwhelmed and pained
I wish I didn't feel so constrained
and that my emotions were something that could easily be contained
I wish there was someone who could be blamed
But there isn't and it feels like nothing is ever going to be the same

I do not know what I am doing anymore
I am quite unsure
Of the path that I want to take
Or the path I need to take

I want to go
Far Away
Run like Hell
To get Away

From all of my responsibilities
From all the pressures
That I find myself under

My chest, it hurts
I cannot breathe
These things are going too fast
In slow motion

Like my life is in the rotation
Turning and turning
Into a mess
I cannot contain it

I am ******* depressed