I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth as I gulped;
My head tilted upwards and stared at the sky filled with the
blue color that reminds me of your eyes filled with
wonders, trying not to look directly into the windows of your
soul;
I did all these not to suppress my anger, but something even more
difficult;
But no matter what I do, everything is not under my
control and will
never be
For these tears still streamed down my cheeks filled with deep sorrow and melancholy;
Yes, it's hard;
It's making me bleed so much that I feel like I'm dying yet still continuing to
breathe;
It's far more arduous than any predicament that I have encountered in my whole existence;
Yet I still have to do it;
For I cannot continue any longer to hurt you by offering you my heart, my dear;
As you continue to heal and purify all my sins
While all I ever do is
corrupt
your soul and drag you in the the deepest and darkest abyss that I call
home;
Darling, I am now setting you free and breaking the chains that
restrict
you from ascending into the
limitless sky where you truly
belong, so flap you wings
and fly to your
well-being;
Goodbye.

One day you’ll look back.
And on that day
You’ll regret everything you’ve ever
Said or done
To me.
You’ll regret being the man
That broke my heart
Harder than I thought possible.
Maybe I didn’t think it was possible,
Because out of all the stories I’ve ever read,
It was always the boy who broke the girl.
Not the dad.

Tremendous pressure
    Between two trees
The pressures of autumn
    Which crinkles the fallen, forgotten, leaves
    And cry beneath our feet
As we grind them slowly back to the earth
    Unknowingly, she knows
    And drinks it all in
Like a summers mead

the sounds we make
the sounds i hear
the waves of the sounds
prolongs in my whisky ear
the quiet in my living room
is my favorite of them all.
red glasses peak from the tops of the book covering the black haired beauty's face.
tiny flips of the pages is heard, from inside the study of hers...
long night it was, the hours mocking at her,
as she signed throughout the night.
tired, and heart broken.
with all of that
she felt overwhelmed.
every memory she remembered
of him.
it hurt.
but the quiet was driving her insane.
he isn't communicating as much...
it doesn't feel right
something is off, with him.
she holds her book as she tosses it to the side
hearing it slide across the wooden floors, eventually stopping
against the wall.
it was the quiet
the space between them both.
what is happening?" she questioned in her mind.
she got up, kicking off the covers onto the floor
she paced her study, rubbing the temples of her head.
back and forth
is the how she illustrated her thoughts.
uncanny and apprehensive describe her issue with him.
but the quiet
where was her music?
where was her sound?
who muted her?
who took her words away?
who took her voice away?
.............................................
it was the quiet.

kiss me if i'm wrong, but
kinda crazy how much we have in common
guess you found your perfect match
were about 98% compatible
dj smarty pants.

is this what true love feels like?
you're cute just for existing
you ****** my heart

i want to go on an adventure with you
i'd rather cuddle
let's turn some potential energy into kinetic energy
no one actually finds love like that

i guess i got my answer
if you say so
(you said cuddles fix everything, but i don't think they can fix this)

When people expect the worst from you
It's really truly hard to maintain a positive attitude
So then you start presenting what their expecting
And it's so **** hard to keep those tears from slipping down your face
Because your parents have the audacity
To tell you that you make more mistakes
Compared to how many times you have made them smile
And you regret choosing to live at home  
You regret living in general
Because living is difficult
But people told you that you were strong and you believed them
You believed the pretty poisoned lies they told you
To make you feel like a better person
And you said “ your right , i can do this “
And that was that
But you noticed the more people know about how your feeling
The more pain you feel
So you stop
You stop showing what the sadness is doing to you on the outside
On the inside
And you somehow get away with it
Until your psychiatrist asks how you're doing and you can't keep it in anymore
You tell her that mountains of painkillers and antidepressants
Are beckoning to you sweetly
You play around with your wording because you want to be remembered
With a sense of humor before you die
And she calls your mother in
And she cries
Because the daughter she gave birth to doesn't even want it
But she understands!
She understands your pain because your own mother is dealing with some of her own
They call security
They call the paramedics
They come into the room that your in and you look away
The officer says “ You have a whole life to live “
You smirk and a single tear falls down your face as you chuckle
“ This isn't living “
Your mother ***** in a breath and lets out a thundering sob
She pulls you into a bone crushing hug and you tell her that your sorry
And as you repeat the overused sentiment you wonder what your sorry for
If your even truly sorry
Please help me understand …
Your sorry for making someone feel bad because you feel worse ?
Your sorry because you feel mocked by people that tell you to get over it
When they happen to not give a single thought EVER about anyone but themselves
And my person inside me begs for me to scream  “YOU HAVEN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH !”
No
They haven't
While the sun arises each and every morning for the blessed and humble
Your sun hasn't risen for years now
Instead a plastic and artificial version of what the sun should be ascends into your day
And shines in your eyes and taunts you
It laughs at you because YOU have more scars than friends
YOU can't go places alone because your suicidal tendencies screams louder
Than your mother yelling from the outside of the ambulance
“YOUR GOING TO BE OKAY!”
And you wave
You wave your hand to your mother as your taken to a wretched place
That throws you out worse than the way you were when you walked in
One month passes
Your home
But your parents are treating you like polypropylene
Tough enough to still be parented
But still weak , still a bit vulnerable
Six months pass
You become a ***
You make relationships with people
Because they make you feel good about yourself
And you foolishly get attached
Because your addicted to the feeling you get when they leave
Heart Wrenching sadness
Your so accustomed to it
And you think that the taste of salty tears would grow old
But depression comes in all different flavors
And when they bid you farewell
You promise yourself , no more
No more people
Just focus on yourself
But there is nothing to focus on
Because your so ******* broken that only the pieces of your shattered heart remain
And it's hard to explain what's going on inside your tangled mind
Your not even allowed to be okay when your not okay
Not allowed to smile in the midst of your tragedy
Because everybody is expecting you to be this sad piece of nothing
So when your anything and everything your not
You get **** for it
You’ve been getting **** for it
To this day you hide how you feel because the truth is to abhorrent to bear
Anytime you say that you don't want to do this anymore
Society says “ Your lying “
And you feed yourself lies
You tell yourself that your not enough
That you have never been enough
You never meet anybody's expectations
And you lean towards believing
That disappointment is just another form of terror
To cause trauma to what's left of your heart
And the worst thing about being a disappointment
Is the lack of trust from other people
They don't expect you to be there for them
Because the silence you were unknowingly feeding them is causing them to choke
And then everybody is gone
And you're to blame
YOUR TO BLAME
And you wonder and ponder upon ways to fix your heart
But it's not that easy
You need tools to fix something that is broken
Everyone who loved you were your tools
Tools no longer
You were the heavy lifter
You carried your overweight broken heart because ironically
You were the only one with that type of strength
So now your learning not to put it on the line
The hard way
Your lugging it behind you tied to a string because it fell off your shoulder
And you start to realize that absence makes the heart grow fonder
And that confuses you
Because its dead
Or so you thought
No matter how broken it is …
Your heart is the only thing that wont give up on you mentally
“If i could i would **** every insecurity that told you that you weren't enough “