In hot August I’ll make my departure,
the trembling freshman imposter,
to dance with unknown partners,
in our quests to join the rosters
of future scholars and doctors.

Like Columbus I’ll journey not knowing
exactly where I am going -
and like our brave-foolish captain I’m hoping
that the planned years of furious rowing,
will deliver me to where (I think) I am going.

I'm 12 and I've been reading for 352 days straight and I have no interest in the people around me and why should I?
I'm 14 in this one and my sheets have polka dots on them and my pillow is Avril Lavigne's face and I'm thinking about the girl at school with pink hair and slow penmanship.
When I'm 16 you are 15 and holding my hand and I'm asking about french homework and trying not to focus on the movement of your thumb around mine which is not friendship.
This time I'm 21 and your thick bones outline my thin and I like this small feeling.

And I know one day,
I'll look into her eyes and say,
"I love you"
With body language, with touch,
When the way she laughs becomes too much.

Fingertips like felt rolling over
Stitched feelings of brokenness,
Diamond eyes catch the unraveling
Of confusion into wholesomeness,

I'm mended, I'm alive, and goddamit
I'm swollen with #pride

I hate being maternal
I hate being fearful
I hate being traumatised
I hate being quiet.

I hate my attraction to men
Because it makes me fearful
That I’ll have kids
And they’ll be neglected, empty and loveless.

I hate being anxious
I hate losing control
I hate my upbringing.

If it weren’t for the confusion
And the belting and the yelling
I wouldn’t be scared.

I hate my attraction to men
Because it made me fearful
I was told that they’re rapists
And they’d take advantage of me.

I hate being weak
I hate being gendered
I hate looking and feeling small.

I wish I was only attracted to women
Because I’d be less fearful
I wouldn’t worry about having kids.

I hate feeling inadequate
I hate feeling like a machine
I hate feeling weak.

I wish conversion therapy worked
Because I hate being attracted
To any man who might hurt me
Or force me to have kids
Or force me to be his slave
Or refuse to accept who I am.

I hate being viewed as a woman
I hate when I try to express affection
Women laugh at it, and men take it the wrong way.

I hate being invalidated
As a non-binary person
Who doesn’t want to cause anyone pain.

I hate ****** attraction towards men
Because if it weren’t for self-control
I’d dig my own grave
And possibly that of unwarranted children.

I hate being an unhappy child
Because if I was raised lovingly
I wouldn’t be anxious
I wouldn’t be cursing my sexuality
For including men

Because I wouldn’t be scared
Of having kids
Cos I’d know I would raise them
The happy way I was raised.

If I was raised lovingly,
I know I’d raise kids that way too
And they wouldn’t suffer
They wouldn’t blame me
And the cycle of raising kids lovingly
Would be passed on throughout generations.

Tell me I’m exaggerating
But my dad swore
He wouldn’t raise me
The way his father raised him.

But I was terrorized
By his beltings
Just like the ones
His father gave him.

So I hope you understand
Why I hate part of my sexuality
And why for the good of others
I don’t want kids.

I want to stop this cycle
Of fear, pain and suffering
Even if it ends me.
Even if no-one remembers me.

It’s good for my conscience
To say this right here and now
I hate being scared
And I’d hate for anyone
To be afraid of me.


11th October 2017

There's an unseen connection
You don't see but I feel
My retina has your reflection
It's a blind yet funny deal

I see you when no one's there
Even with people around
Without touch I get the flair
Chasing me as a hound

I won't ask for anything
But just to see your face
A smile from you is something
That serves more than an embrace

I am an ace with desires
With no urge to play rounds
No butterflies, there's fire
My true love, in you, I found.

Lesbian, bisexual, transgender, gay
What are they all only labels anyway?
Nowt of individuals do labels say,
Truth be told all they do is get in the way!
What is it with this need to put labels on?
What we really need is to see the person!
To judge others only by labels given
Is stupidity, hard to be forgiven.
So it is with gender, race, colour or creed;
And all other labels we just do not need.

Have you lately realized
How much self absorbed
Heterosexual amorphous
Hominem ad narcissists
Love their oneorientation
Love their self esteem pen
Love their uncanny purse
Love their rightful rituals
They abide to admiration
They wear polite persona
They share unrelentlessly
They know salt and peppa
Immortal talent n'crowd
Inspiring dear friend days
Interrupting pink panther
Integrity by wild abandon.