please don't make me think
turn the volume up
let me sink in noise
drown it all out
i don't want to hear you
call my name anymore

if i must live in this world
then i refuse to dwell on notions
i shall go through the motions
because it be hell if i stopped
and hell if i think

I sit in the chair, gazing.
Was it stars? Was it the moon?
What was the sight that took my being away from the present?
It was not a vision, rather a feeling.
To escape
Escape can be easy but is not always the safest path.
A fork in the journey requires a decision.
One way is full of kindness,
The other of pain
What would you decide?
The kindness brings numbness with it
While the pain brings fear
Fear which is beyond your comprehension.
Fear which creates the pain
Pain so intense it is felt in every inch of the physical body.
So you choose kindness?
The kind type of numbness that is as beautiful as a drug
Yet as ugly as the comedown
Take a step back and watch it play out
No pain, no fear
However the emptiness is haunting
The sound distorted and lingering
The prompts to face the pain and fear become louder
Stronger
More persistent
Snap
The focus shifts back to reality
No more fading
Just now a reality which has a little more emptiness ingrained within it

"I love you."
Words can't touch me anymore.
My skin is coated in lies
Nothing penetrates.
My last hope is caught in my throat
And I can't swallow it,
Bumps and bruises are hidden behind
"I'm fine," "I'm just tired."
Words are branded into my skin.
They have left layers of scars
So thick there's no room left to carve -
So imprinted there's nothing left to root.
Nothing more to say to boot.
Prickly like a porcupine, consonants stick off of me,
Petruding like my long buried personality
Used to,
Like my personality used to.
Vowels form a new face of expressions
I was once able to pen for myself
But now
I can't.
I wear words instead of speak them;
I wear words like a coat of armor on top of my numb skin.
I swear words don't even touch me anymore.
There is no need to carry a shield ,
Instead you built for me a castle.
And I'm somewhere inside,
Untouched.

I still haven’t talked about how it made me feel
clearly I was upset
the tears streaming down my face
and blood seeping out of the slits in my wrist
could tell you that
my mom could tell you that
considering I stayed in bed for a whole week

when the tears stopped
that’s when I didn’t know how to feel
why was I no longer upset
why was I no longer feeling FEELINGS
am I a ******* robot

my best friend killed herself
and a few weeks later
I was drowning the thought of it

cheap liquor nightly
stench of skunk daily
not a chance to sober up
and face the reality

I was so mad
mad at “God”
or whatever that **** is
mad that I couldn’t be there for her
like she was for me
mad that I couldn’t talk to her again if I tried

have you ever
sat in front of a grave
and shared your deepest secrets
it’s some sort of desperation
and hope at the same time

I pray you never have to
experience such a thing
such a numbing tragedy
that takes you away from yourself

We’ve forgotten how to heal.
Across the centuries of humanity, our emotional alchemy has been forgotten.
So now—we medicate—pouring pills into our hand so fast that they overflow like…
Niagara.
So now— we stare down the barrel of our third Grey Goose. Its bullets lighting up our bloodstream like…
Fireworks.
And now—we wander the streets and find solace in dark alleys at all hours of the night searching for something to make us…
Numb.
And now— we grab our rusted blade from our dusty nightstand drawer and…
Cut.
When injured, our body fights to heal the wounded cells—and sometimes the wounds were so deep they leave a scar. But they are, nonetheless, closed up.
If our body can heal—our minds can as well.
Somewhere along the way we have lost this very special and redeeming magic.
And without it, the human identity is beginning to corrode.

"Anak, bakit ayaw mo ba ngumiti sa mga larawan? Mahal ba ang presyo ng ngiti mo?!"

Opo, nay, ang sabi ko lamang sa loob ng kaisipan ko. Kasing mahal ng halaga ng abuso na ginawa mo sa damdamin ko.