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im sorry that some days i cannot reply to your text message. i’m in bed, in too much mental pain to get out.
i’m sorry that some days i seem off and distant. i have a lot going through my head at all times.
i’m sorry that i will bail on plans last minute. sometimes i just want to stay home.
i’m sorry that i cannot be happy like you are. there is a battle going on in my head that never seems to end, no matter how long i go to therapy.
i’m sorry that i’m quiet in public places, my stomach gets tied in knots whenever i’m anxious.
things in life haven’t been the same for a long time. i don’t want to go outside and see the sun, i want to stay inside by myself, because the battle in my head is exhausting sometimes.
i’m sorry that i cannot be happy. i’m really trying, i promise
im so tired of
my good days turning to horrid days because
of your anger issues.
i always wonder what it would be like
to live in my own house,
to not have to deal with the screaming all day.
i thought things would be different once
i was close to graduating high school.
but i was oh so wrong.
i always wonder what it would be like
to live with two parents,
who loved each other.
not living with a verbally abusing father
and having a mother who has gone m.i.a.
i wonder what it would be like
to have a normal life, to be happy,
to not have to worry every time i come home.
i know things wont become better.
even though i always try to keep faith.
we lived in the same house,
but you left me when i was young.
i was so used to you sleeping until 3 p.m that i started to
learn how to cook off of cooking shows on the t.v,
i was only four years old.
i learned how to do my own laundry when i was nine,
when you started to run out of space for your
empty beer bottles in your room.
i learned how to defend myself after you pulled me up the stairs,
dragging me by my hair.
i was only thirteen years old.
i thought living like this was normal for being a young girl,
but after i realized that it wasn't normal, i took matters into my own hands.
i'm no longer broken, just bent.
no daughter should ever be treated the way that i was by her own mother.
i'm trying my hardest to live a normal life,
but your constant phone calls are stopping me from doing that.
please quit calling my cell phone.
please quit apologizing to me.
because i know you're not sorry,
you're just lonely.
the hard whisky i drank moments ago
is crawling down my throat,
the thought of you leaving me,
i cant help but choke.

my drunken emotions can't handle
the sadness that I feel
so I drink more hard whiskey
until i keel.

one shot two shot three shot four
my mind is just begging me for more.
i try my hardest to get you out of my head,
so i drink my emotions away instead.
you bring back feelings
i've tried so hard to forget.
all of your words and lust
will always fill me with regret
i've gone through life
with holes in the road and
constantly running out of gasoline.
people get tired of me spending
so much time in my car,
so they left to go on their own adventures.
im tired of being alone in my car,
always feeling hopeless.
i just want someone to pull up next to me
and ask if i need more gasoline.
and make me feel as if
im not so alone anymore.
some days i think im getting better
i think the sun is shining brighter,
and the birds sing louder.

but days upon days go by,
and i realize things are still the same.
still the same sad, lonely, days that
ive had since i was young.

i do try to get better,
to think happier thoughts and
do happier things.

but the worst temptation that i have,
is to run back to it all.
the drugs, the alcohol, the ***.

the worst temptation will always be the death of you.
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