I despise my  shallow, fickle existence,
no more, no more.

What if I were to **** myself
Not out of love lost ,
Not out of a broken heart,
Not out of lost hope or misplaced faith
But out of the fact that I didn't want to live anymore
What if I were smiling for so long my lips feels like they will never be normal
Should I crease my heart and let my lips fall into place ?
What if behind all the concealer my skin is still broken and confused
What if underneath my sleeves there are lines left behind by filed nails ?
If suicide wasn't in your book of survival is fleeing away acceptable ?
How is that in anyway different ?
Easier to say but hard to perform.
For I'm so distraught now I don't wanna live anymore
What if the deed is done and you find the bottle half empty
Will u ever forgive me ?
Will you put flowers on my grave every new year.
Wishing I was there to see the pretty fireworks my eyes couldn't see anymore.
Would you ever buy a white dress and know I wouldn't ever see you wear it or wear one no more ?
Or would you diminish my face forever?
Shove my memories in a shoe box disposed of in the bottom closet ?
Would you hate me for it?
Will you give my choice a definition ?
Too cowardly not to go on
Too scared to fall
Too sick of being afraid
So let me ask you again
Will you ever forgive me ?

I am tired.
You have no idea how tired.
My bones are aching.
splintering with the agony.             My craniums cracked.
Split like a boiled egg,
my soft core is spilling out.
Lie me with soldiers shoulder to shoulder
And I'm soft as buttered toast.
But i m trying. Dragging my back pack by my ankles
Pulling your soul with my teeth. And dragging us all down by my finger nails

How do i say good bye ? When am yet not ready to let you go .
How do i say good bye ? When my heart hasnt realized that your about to be gone .
How do i say good bye ? When i still have so much to say to you .
My hello to you hasnt even finished and the good bye is already knocking on the door .
Why must live be like this ?

~~

I no longer cry for him, but I'll always die for him. He meant that much to me, he was my world. I still feel the sting of the pain from his words and actions. Those, I fear, will never disappear. I'm not 'in love' with him anymore, but I will always love him. He'll hold a special place in my heart forever. I don't long for him at night time anymore, and he's not constantly on my mind anymore either, is this a good thing? I got a chance to see him and hang out with him, and it wasn't awkward, and I didn't feel the overwhelming urge of just wanting to hold him like he was mine to hold. I honestly didn't feel anything, but pain, hurt, and a hint of disgust. Is that bad? He's not mine, and I don't want him to be mine. But, why do I keep the drawings of him, or the Christmas card he gave me, or the pictures of him. All they do is bring back memories, and reminds me of how much his words, "I love you, Jenny... Now and Always" were all a lie, and they remind  me of how much I was so deeply in love with someone whose love for me vanished for whatever reason. All they do, is remind me of all the pain he caused me, and all the unseen tears I shed over him. I should get rid of them, to end all the pain they remind me of right?

Ashamed ....

Afraid...

Betrayed ...
That's how I felt..

A love so pure that turned so volatile, a Molotov cocktail...stirred but not shaken.
Waiting to explode in your precious hands.

How does it feel now?
You can only cage an owl for a moment.
They were born to soar alone.

You caused so much pain deep inside
Those scars were nothing worse than the mental clarity you took from me.

You took me away from me
Chasing through the streets trying to find me again...

You won't ever catch her
She won't let you
Not this time...
No
Not this time

Isolated
Alone
Abandoned
Alcoholic

That's what you are...
How do you feel now?

Every time they kissed she could see
a spark of light in his beautiful blue eyes
a light filled with passion and love
or sometimes filled to the brim with utter gentleness
when he held her safe against his chest
Those wonderfully captivating blue eyes
could also hold troubled images
his sad blue eyes would shimmer with tears
a desperate, sorrowful shine, coating
his beautiful blue eyes
When he held her hand
his eyes spoke of a story of pure gratitude
a thankfulness for this love and
her tiny hands entwined in his
a sparkle of tenderness in
his beautiful blue eyes
As they talked for hours over the phone
His laughter rang loud and clear
like church bells swaying in the wind
and his voice soothing her into a blissful peace
a rich tone which she held so dear to her heart
especially when his voice would sing a magnificent song
she could just imagine his
beautiful blue eyes
reflecting his smile
in a twinkle of joy
His beautiful blue eyes have since turned cold to her
those eyes once for her,
were now not at all
The love they shone
and the sadness they held
even the dark secrets they hid
would never be hers again
Oh beautiful blue eyes.

How can I write about motionless, unfeeling, empty white walls?
You write about your unchanging, cold, blank mind
How can I write about slammed, unrelenting, locked white doors?
You write about your crushing, unobtainable, closed-off heart
How can I write about falling, unstoppable, restricting white ceilings?
You write about your deadly, unfair, judging mouth
How can I write about a room that doesn't hold me?
*You write about your past