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Jennifer Staples Dec 2015
It's the way I look at you
The way you smile and your dimples form
The way your eyes look so genuine when you look at me
The energy you bring around

It's the way you make me feel
When I hug you I never want to let go
I get a warm and fuzzy feeling when I hug you
You're everything to me
I couldn't cope without you

You're my best friend
You know what I've been through
You know how bad I get
And how low I think of myself

But you stick around
You hold me down when I want so badly to fly high in the sky
You listen when nodody else does
You care when nobody gives a crap
I wish so badly that I could just reach over and move that random strand of hair from your face

I wish I could just watch you listen to music and zone out all day
I wish I could just kiss you and tell you everything will be okay
I wish I could lay in bed and hold you until you stop crying
I wish I could be the one to make you happy
But then it would be awkward

I wish I could tell you everything
I wish I had the nerves to tell you...

I have a secret crush.... On you
Jennifer Staples Dec 2015
Everything was great once
I felt complete with you
I could rely on you for anything
I could talk to you about it all
You were the one…
I thought you would be different
I thought you’d never leave

You were no different
You left just like everybody else did

I had a future with you,
While you have a future with her
You were my everything

I should get rid of your pictures
Get rid of all our messages
Get rid of your number
I should get over you

But I can’t…

You are everywhere I go
You’re in my dreams
You’re in my thoughts
You’re still singing that song to me
You’re still talking to me

I shouldn’t want you to be in my life
I shouldn’t want to talk to you
I shouldn’t miss you
I shouldn’t love you

Jennifer Staples Dec 2015
I remember fighting with my sister throughout my life.
More times then not, did it end with the words she always said,
"I wish I was an only child."
"Life would be so much easier without you."
I remember always saying....
If you want to be any only child, you can make it happen
I grab the biggest knife we own,
and press it to the skin above my heart
"If you want it to happen, push it in a little harder."

I can do better and be better
I'm not worth any of their time
I'm a burden to someone
They're all better off if I were dead
My mother should have gotten rid of me before the problem started

Thoughts like these ran through my head so often
Congratulations, you're the first to know that
I don't want sympathy, I just want someone to know
Just in case these memories consume me
Just in case something happens to me
Just in case the demons in my skin come itching back
If nothing happens, at least they're no longer being shot
through my veins like a drug

Someone else knows
Now what you do with it is ultimately up to you
I can only ask you don't judge me

My thoughts,
My fears,
My anxiety

They all still consume me

I'll never be anybody
I'll never do what I need to do
I'll disappoint you
I'll mess up everything
I'll make you sick to think I'm yours
I'll annoy you
I'll make you mad
I'll make things awkward just by being around

I'll make everything better I promise
I'll mark my not so empty canvas with crimson red
I'll push it in a little bit deeper this time
I'll solve everything.....

Jennifer Staples Jun 2015
Life is not easy like almost everyone thinks it is. My mom always told me that life isn’t easy, kids just have it easy. I didn’t believe her, I fought with her all the time, and sometimes it got physical. I hated living with my mom, and I wanted to have my own rules, like almost every teenager. So I started leaving and going with my friends, and running the streets all day and all night, not going to school, not even caring what I was missing, I just knew I was free. I had no rules, no consequences, and nothing going for myself.
I was a goody-goody, I did the right things, I went to school, I didn’t do anything to harm myself. I remember those days, and I thrived for a do-over. I've heard things, that I wouldn't dream of repeating to my mother. I've seen things that no other person should have to see. I've seen people doing things that I prayed every night, that I wouldn't get caught up in. I worried that I would  make all the wrong choices, and mess my entire life up, beyond return. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I guess my mom was right. School had no value to me anymore. I didn't want to be in this town I'm supposed to call "home”. I didn't want to be anywhere. I bluntly admitted to my mother that I was contemplating suicide.
My mother made me move with my dad in Buckfield, and I went. I went back to my moms for the balloon festival. But, two days before the festival, my dad made me come back to his house.  I told my dad that I was going back to my moms, him and his girlfriend freaked out. They started restraining me from leaving, by grabbing the collar of my shirt, and therefore choking me. My dad pushed me to the floor, sat on top of me, shoving my face into the floor, and was screaming “What kind of drugs are you on?”  I’m going to be 100% honest, I have been verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. I’ve been slapped across the face by my mom’s ex-husband, on multiple occasions. He’s almost given me a concussion, from shoving me against the wall. Like I have said, life is not easy… Life is not fair. But, had I not been through everything that I have been through, I wouldn’t be the way I am. I may have gone through hard times, a lot of them at that, but it’s made me strong and independent. I’ve had some really good friends who support and love me, I have had really good family friends that have helped me be who I am today. I am now really close to my mom, I am home all the time, I go to school all day everyday. In the past couple months, I turned my life around. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Life is not easy that way, you need school, you need friends and family. As much as you may think you don’t need family, you do. It’s is what helps you get through your everyday struggle.
Jennifer Staples May 2015
I'm done, I can't stand life anymore... I can't sit around watching my life fly away, and there being nothing I can do to fix it, because I've already thrown the rope too far way for me to grab it again. School has no value to me anymore. I don't want to be in this town I'm supposed to call "home"... I don't want to be anywhere. If you things I've written before were bad, here's the worst thing, I have and I am contemplating suicide... There I've finally admitted it to the world... Now you can go and tell everyone how sick and ****** in the head I am...
Jennifer Staples Apr 2015
My love for him confuses me
I love him like a brother, a best friend, and more
I love him in ways I can't even begin to explain
Because I don't even know how to
He's my everything, I'd be lost without him
I need him in my life
I'm just scared he'll leave again
I want him, yes
But I don't at the same time
I love him so much
I'm love confused
I forgive you
because I can't forget you
and your love has become essential
so when I say you aren't on my mind
I can swear it's all lie
because even with all you've done
you're still the ******* one
the one in my dreams,
the only one I look forward to see
the face I still am
trying to find amongst the crowd
laying on the floor
here I am, letting it all out
where the hell are you now?
I mean I know you were
never actually here
but loosing you
is still my biggest fear
and with every ******* tear
I pray to a god,
I don't even know is there
that one day, you'll just be
completely gone, out, disappear
because I know you're
the single worst thing for me
out in this crazy world
but in twirl,
you've got me rapped up
in this crazy dream
it's what you make me to believe
where all I think I need
is your touch, your attention
all the things you'll never give to me
because I know what I am, to you,
who you see
when you look at me.
I'm not enough.
and the sooner I realize that
the better off I'll be
because even though it hurts
I'm glad you know how to leave
more like slam a door in my face
shoot me down with all your pain.
lock me in this nightmare
where all it does is rain
but, no, I gotta lock that all away
put a smile on my face
because people expect more of me
than to see what you took away
but can't you see?
the real damage that you've done
doesn't lay within your words
but the within your actions
and you run.
run away from every problem
every day
honey, I'm sorry to say it
but not everything goes your way
it's all good now
until you put the drink down
until you let it all come in
then your pretty little self
will realize that you didn't win
I know you, and I know you want love
and all these girls you pick up
they aren't enough.
and you know that.
but don't expect any more love
from me
because what you see now
is not what i will forever be
someday, I will move on
and forget what
you've made me out to be
because you don't matter
never have, never will
and I'll never understand
how you dropped me
so easily
but I guess
the past is in the past
and I should let you go
wipe the tears off my face
because you shouldn't be
worth **** to me
but you are,
and until I see that,
believe what I can say so easily
seeing your face, hearing your voice,
is still gonna **** me.
but with every day, every minute
I see a little more
a little clearer
what can I say though?
I can't regret you, I was warned.
but I didn't care
all I saw was the good in you
because that's what I like to see
I block everything else out
because the good
is all I want to believe
but I gotta stop that,
see things, for how they really are
bottle it all away some more
mend my open scars
keep you in my poems
now, in my dream world, lost
so I just guess, finally,
after all that you've done
I'm doing what's right
and cutting you off.
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