I feel the walls of my mentality breaking down. The defense mechanism has failed. My weakness has been found.

Bombs bombard my frontal lobes. How much time do I have left? That's a question nobody knows.

But the army of stress wages through. Setting fire and killing cells,
torturing them as the army continues to move.

My head throbs with pain, my legs join my arms in what feels like an earthquake; Heart pounds with tremendous force, my body is on a crash course.

The room becomes an amusement park ride. While different moods pass me by. Day after day the symptoms increase. Today may be the day when I accept defeat.

Socializing has become a thing of the past, all I have is panic attacks. Happiness has finally been lost. Without a map, and at what cost?

Control center has been compromised. Here I am, I have met my demise.

I felt droplets of anxiety trickle down my forehead
My mind was malfunctioning at the thought of you
Being next to me for the first time
I bit down on my lower lip, focusing on inhales and exhales
A knot in my throat forbid me to say what I've been dying to say
With my heart in my mouth but my lips sealed

He took my hand

My hand folded so perfectly into yours
Electricity traveled through my veins, my heart quickened its rhythm
You smiled
I was powering up at lightening speed yet shutting down simultaneously
You rubbed your thumb on the edge of my spongy palm
A kiss softer than feathers you daringly brushed upon my cheek
Your touch was idyllic
I felt my pupils dilate in the utter darkness
One last exhale escaped from my motionless lips

I disintegrated.

-k.v

Surreptitious glance,
Half formed words die away; and
Awkward silence wins.

I took a step I'd been waiting to take
for awhile now
hands, stop shaking
this is what I want

Walls close in
Watching.
Thoughts devour
Hyperventilating.

No way out
Keep breathing.
No explanation
Crying.

Blackness engulfs
Shaking.
Gasping for air
Trying.

I think I'm crazy when I count how many words I've written,
but I can't tell if I can't count, or if I'm just too exhausted to see.
When finally, all of the sleepless nights and tiring days catch up to me.
When I fall asleep in class because I can't fall asleep at home.
What if someone is in my house?
What if someone breaks into my house?
What if I don't wake up again?
When I actually contemplate going to sleep, because I don't want to wake up the next morning.
I want to take a chance and see what will happen, because I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of being scared.
When my fear of what happens in the night while I'm not awake stops me from closing my eyes for more than five seconds,
Not allowing me to enter my peaceful world of dreams where all I dream about is that first kiss with you,
Even though
I know that it will never happen.
But then it catches up to me.
It hits me when I least expect it.
The warm wave of exhaustion covers me like my blanket does to my sleepless body at night.

blue
green
brown
eyes
skittering
up and down
my back
tiny mice
without their
cheese