Let me say goodbye
Let me start anew
To leave the past behind
Make room for me to grow
Explore the things I like
In a place I never knew
Chase a wider sky
Swim a bluer sea
Brave the toughest climb
Beat the beast within

Now,
Now remember these words

The heart of the heart
Must stay like a child's
For no matter how far
How high nor how long
Hold the hand
Wherever you're from
Shadows are just tricks
Played by the mind
So thread the path
Holding a candlelight

Loving you
Is like a moving train
I could jump off
But it would be painful
And I just
Don't
Want
To

Picture frame on a shelf,
Dreaming the baby I never got to hold,
In my arms, I wake holding self,
Each time taken leaves me cold,

The dream ends the same,
The black eyed demon takes her away,
Tears the goal in it’s twisted game,
Pleading to let her stay,

Laughing, holding her like a doll,
Rattling her at me,
Only groveling makes it stall,
Seconds added, more pathetic the plea,

Awakened in shuttered breath,
Flashes of running with her,
Her memory living an undying death,
Gone when I wake, usually all a blur,

Feeling guilt for trying to move on,
I didn’t give her support,
Didn’t notice love til she was gone,
I never gave her comfort,

Excuse of military doesn’t cajole,
A seed of guilt was sown,
Sprouting into a hole,
Emptiness I hone,

This nights dream was clear,
Vivid as day,
Demon drags me drowning in pit of beer,
Where the demon likes to play,

Submerged, I grip my child,
Feeling strings attached to her back,
Demons laughter running wild,
Swimming up, under attack,

Clawing onto shore,
I can’t cut the strings,
Details lost before,
I turn her over examining the things,

I pulled at one,
I hear a coo...
Arms flailed a ton.
When I pulled two,

She was cold,
Light in her eyes were out,
Truth began to unfold,
What the whole dream was a about,

Demon is of my own making,
Not my baby in its hand,
It is its hand, makeup flaking,
Beginning to understand,

Gestated by that hole of guilt,
Abomination of self blame and woe,
An altar of pain is what I built,
A demon catching my in the undertow,

I wasn’t there, I won’t pretend,
I blamed myself for her end,
Ridding this demon felt like killing her again,
Memory of the call crying for godsend,

In tears I begin to walk,
To starve it of my pain,
The demons cries echo and stalk,
Tearing down altar, the stain,

Burying double edged sword of abandon,
Just taking the lesson to learn,
Only way to fill the land in,
Away my head I turn,

Straying from my numbing revel,
To walk and let go,
Self made campaign, long and slow,
Dissecting a demon from my mental devil,

I’ll never forget you,
I can’t change that your gone,
Letting go, this will be new,
I think I’m ready to move on,

So true healing can begin,
More demons, quest after quest,
Seeking the light within,
To find peace and maybe find rest,

The weight of guilt has gone...
I'm sure that I'm not alone...
I've found my heart again...
The wind blew away the rain...
Joyfulness has overpowered confusion...
I'm like a winged unicorn, not a lion...
The sky is my new home...
No more darkness that I roam...
I have a best friend which I don't deserve...
He is never on my nerve...
He is sweeter as honey...
His presence makes me happy...
I'm so grateful...
He doesn't make me feel dull...
Without him, I won't survive...
Without him, I can't dive...
I can't dive in the deep dark...
Where there is no spark...
But he is there...
And I shoot colors everywhere...
The long days of sadness are over...
I have become a lover...

I'm sorry to all the words
we did not say
and I'm sorry to you
for saying all the useless ones
that we did

-em vidar

i just realized that tonight might be my last
to spend in bed with my obese cat
purring under my arm
because now im an adult
and my life will move on
no more crying too
or talking and cuddling
and holding in front of a mirror
so she can see her reflection
no more petting or kissing
or waiting to scoop up when i come home
because now im an adult
and my life has to move on
and im moving out
a kiss on my finger
one last cuddle by my face
as she walks on my keyboard
as i type  this
accidentally hitting space
the saddest of goodbyes
that i'll ever have to face

10
There were ten adorable dogs at the dog cafe,
the one you took me to on my official last day.
From there we planned on our would have been first adoption.
Little did I know I would only mean to you an option.

9
The size of the pair of ballet flats you bought me,
As I needed a good set to walk to work (and you) daily.
You also made sure that they fit nice on my feet,
and yet here we are now, at circumstances' defeat.

8
Were the short weeks from our beginning to our end,
I was hopeful, as you said there was nothing that could bend
Our dedication but it turns out it was just on my side
As my photos and faces were deleted as you decide.

7
Here was the floor that had started it all.
The elevation from which I had jumped and fall.
From where you also found the next best thing,
and, love, now you'll never know the greatest I could bring.

6
Were the places and locations that meant most,
from my joy at conventions to our intimacy hosts,
I may never walk through them the same way again
But you'll never be there again with an absolute ten.

5
I had five trips without you, but you were carried in my heart
though, admittedly, it wasn't the plan from the start.
But from here on out, my path is surely without you
Yet at times I would wonder if you'd think of me too.

4
Names of good people, who you and I let down
at the beginning and the end, thought of us with a frown.
Finn, Casey, Gayle, Blake... They hoped only the best.
They once rooted for us, darling, but now only detest.

3
Three words that were never simply said as is,
but shared in a language I shared to you with bliss.
Despite this, I'll know I'll probably care forever.
Though many still tell me I should have loved you never.

2
I know now that you breathe with both lungs for another,
and hold tight, with your two arms, some other lover.
I'm certain that with your two eyes you would see,
You've got two hearts as well, yours and the one from me.

1
There was only one us, one you, and only one I.
Looking back at our history, I could happily sigh.
I have only one life, one I'd prefer not to waste.
Now after you, I think I've got much better taste.

These feelings fall like tidal waves.
They're a beauty, so why do I suffocate?
Overwhelm me, I just can't escape,
It's dark, so here, I send up a flare.

It's hard, to keep my flair.
Buried within the world's glares.

I'm making me work,
A body, no head.
Pushing.
Might I have failed?
To accept I'm way too scared.

Letting my world down, myself.
After all I've done, all I've said.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't sad.
My dreams, I know they aren't dead,
In folds, they hid instead.

Don't know why this mount I can't climb.
God knows, for long I've tried.
Blown my integrity, I have no more pride.
I wish I could take this in my stride.

Down the barrel of this gun, I stare.
Not knowing where from here I fare.
No options, no allies.
I don't want this to be just a souvenir.

I'm tired, I'm drained.
These tidal waves,
Where do you take me?
Where?