In the clear, calm stillness
of a chilly winter night,
where the stars twinkle
like icy diamonds in a
dark sapphire blue sky,
I feel the crisp, cold breeze
ruffling my hair and brushing
my cheeks,
hear the soft crunches of
freshly fallen snow beneath my shoes,
I look up to see twirling snowflakes
falling softly down upon the earth,
each one's intricate design
shimmering in the pale moonlight,
I catch them and peer at their
delicately crafted beauty,
but then suddenly they vanish,
leaving me alone, and wishing
that I too could vanish
along with them
and leave my presence to be mourned.

Then I looked to my right, again.
The meandering wind, and the tall branches were still there.
So was the gloomy sky.
And her.
Tranquil as it was, I felt a bit of panic setting in,
There was always a bit of unsettledness about something so peaceful.
As if it will be taken away any instance now, showing me once again
That stability is temporary. Solitude is temporary. And solace,
Is temporary.

And I looked on, scared to turn to my left
Because the moment I turn away, everything will vanish.
This moment will pass.
And I will forget.
For that is its beauty.
Soon, all this will just be freckles in my memory.
A shadow of the moment that is in front of me.
When I remember her smile, will I be able to remember how it made me feel?
If I do, will I be able to remember her grace?
And if that too, her aura?

See. I told you.
There is a bit of danger in all things beautiful.

I looked to my left.
Should I die now, I'll have regrets.

A storm and the stars
Everywhere it would
Echo the song
Of sheltering silence

The dream of
What's ahead
The dawns, how
They turn into days
Fate, the blissful chase

Enduring crosses
Completely, These
Extravagances
Of the heart
Even the nearest
Moment is far

I used to tear open my skin to release the pain inside
The addictive, luring touch of tools used to split open wrists
It was the only thing that felt right to do in times of despair
Loneliness and despondency clung to me like gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe
The only thing I could ever focus on was dragging a sharp object across my thin arms
That was me

Two years back on one April night I found a new shiny object
Tore it across my skin to numb a pain I can't quite remember now
Of course I did not realize that new objects have sharper touches
I went too deep...
I panicked like I was being pushed off a building, a fight to stay alive
Isn't it crazy how you think you want to die and the moment the possibility of death is in front of you, you battle to live?
I ran halfway up the stairs and stopped, too afraid to admit what I had done to myself to someone that would help
So I took matters into my own hands
Cleaned and treated the wound like I was a surgeon
Bandaged and kept that part of me free from any harm
The fact that it probably needed stitches scared me
I've never cried harder that memorable night
I will never forgive myself

Two years later down the road
I love myself and I feel like a ray of sunshine all the time
Light radiates from me whenever I can do it
I've never been so on the positive side of things
And I did, I did forgive myself
Two years later and the scar has still not faded to a white line
I hated it. I hated looking at it continuously day after day
I was ashamed
I tried to love that part of me but I couldn't
It was so hard

And in between getting better and holding on to the past
I experienced heartbreak for the first time
I swore he was the one
And he broke me into pieces like I was nothing
I hated everything
Why didn't anyone want me or love me?
No one showed up to save me
So I started to love myself instead

Today, September 20, 2018, I realized my worth
Today I looked down at the reminder of hard times
Today it has almost completely faded
Sometimes you don't even realize the moment you heal
But you do
I promise you that you will heal