I don’t want to believe in hope
Because if there’s hope,
I have to change
I have to be better
I can’t stay where I am
Wallowing in my misery
Looking for reasons for rage
Desperately searching to ease
The pain from my faceless abusers
But I don’t want to be better
I like this hole I’ve dug
To lie down in and die
I’m not crying for help
I’m just crying
But for nothing more
Than the fact that I know
That I cannot stay here
Because I know
That there is hope

They are stacks of mud--
Splattered filth on the curb
slowly rotting away
like debris of our own path.
Trampled upon leaves
and roadkill rabbits
that pass by our eyes
like the birds of the sky;
Forgotten people of time
and tragedy's aftermath.

Yet these wise wise fools
are happier than I,
the higher and mightier
Begotteb of a son.
Whom dwells in depression
Chained to a society
that feeds off of misery
and regretful deceit;
The comfort and contentment
perceived as luxury and success

For I see them smile
almost a daily occurrence,
as though a new sunshine
is enough of a reason to live zealously.
For I have not unwithholdingly
smiled in countless years,
yet these pitiful souls
have the ability to surpass my own
and thrive in the freedom of their hearts
whilst I suffer in the mundane of wealth.

i am forever lost
an unpayable cost
to be free from depression to much to ask
the real me I hide under the mask
my life is a painful task
can I get a fresh start
where I don't feel like I'm always apart
my life I want to depart
com on God peirce my heart
I'm stuck in a world of thorns
trapped in a traumatic storm
what do I need
a gun to my head where I will forever bleed
I can feel if I feel the need
I can bleed if I wanna bleed
look at me now
God where's your vow
I'm sorry for being me
you knew I was never meant to be
if today I die
then now is my final goodbye
even if I tried to die
and say my final goodbye
I wouldn't fly
I would just be on the road to hell where I'll be tormented and never die
so long family goodbye

after all this time
that i have spent
being miserable
i have begun
to find it
comforting

it's a bit like stockholm syndrome
in the beginning
i hated my misery
but now
after all these years
i long for it
and miss it when it's gone

i am used to it, you see
i grew up in it
and that's quite sad
a sad comfortable misery

Though I see well enough
Lucidity escapes me
Left withering and splintering
In the face of change
In spite of the ending
Something writhes inside of me
A solitary heave
Railing against eternity

But I still cling
To the bits of shade

Every death is unique
As detailed as a fingerprint
I'm still not sure how to communicate
This intrusive thought, it never goes away

Please...
I need is to die knowing
That it wasn't all for nothing
That I gave this life for something

Maybe I've been too detached
Maybe I've been contradicting
Falling fast from what I'm needing
In hopes of finding something real

So outside the mind, enhanced
I see visions of my self
Inside my skull I sit and wait, pondering
If I'm even alive, as eternity
Stretches out before me, but
Nothing scratches that itch
Waiting for a fabrication to take me in
In the days to come...

I'll still cling
To the bits of shade

I am tired some days,
To hold it all inside,
To keep it all together.
'Cause how long do you think
Can it survive?
After a heart's being broken and shattered?

Sometimes I wish I could leave it all behind
Take away the power I've given people
To hurt me
And maybe then I can be free? 'Cause I've had it enough,
My insecurities **** me up,
Or maybe it's my fear of losing people
Is what I'm afraid of?

I know I ain't easy to love,
I know I'm complicated and ****** up.
But I wonder why do you still hold onto me,
Maybe 'cause you want to;
Or perhaps is it because,
I don't let go easy?

I hope someday I can get out of my misery;
Which I know in this world ain't easy.
I hope someday it won't be this hard,
And I can completely put down my guard.
Let my screams out;
And rest my tired heart.
//tired//
-Neha❤✨

Yes, I

Pitter patter
On a bitter pattern
Of broken memories that I chitter chat about with little matter

And according to the middle latter statement

I'm a little out of place when
I reminisce about that nasty past

That mask... THAT mask.

The one that covered the area where my face belongs


Which matched PERFECTLY with the shoes I would step in **** with

Telling myself:
"My socks are still clean"

Thinking I could use more chemicals than a Sheen to be Pristine
But that's just artificial heat from a blanket with no seams..

I try to tear apart this quilt
Threaded with empty promises in vain

Inside veins that don't pump blood
They pump shame

I'll never be wrapped in this again..

Covered in unfamiliar skin
Wearing a questionable grin

When in the hell did I begin this transformation?

Self surgery.

Murdering false idols!

******* the very fabric of entertainment.

(Yes I can be a ****)

But I rock an S on my chest over the D..

I'm so sick

My thoughts are so vile
They will leave you ill on your lying lips

There is no use in trying to switch
The shattered reality you now have as a dying wish

I said to see,
This shining sea.
A case for all to be,
Of tried and tired.
Creation and tyranny,
Why must we fall and rise?
Why must some end in misery?
Does the sun not shine for all?
Revealing all to see,
The world, a ******* up blue ball.
Full of man’s ire destiny,
Is it of destiny or prophecy?
For man it is both,
A tempest *** of problematic dreams.