i‘ll be ****** if i have to go through that again
the happiness followed by misery
the smiles followed by silent tears
the paradise with you followed by the hell without you
i‘ll be ****** if i have to go through that again

She hangs nudes on her wall
Of a society vulnerable
A people helpless
Of a dawn they hope
To array their fears
Their sorrows console
And vanish their misery
©

I came to hate the cold
When I noticed that I couldn't get a hold
Of my freezing hands when they were naked and bold
In an air-conditioned bus, as one of my friends told

And I would always seek out the heat
Of his palms on my fingers when they meet
At least they keep these delicate limbs, so petite
From numbing when the chill kiss them oh so sweet

I also came to like the warmness
Of people when they hug me in genuine love and kindness
And I would keep seeking that kind of fondness
As frost surrounds me with little to no softness

Oh, how I remember the warmth of cuddling
During wet and shivery downpour in the evening
Hugging and fondling under the thick, weighted bedding
How comfortable, unlike sleep to the freezing

But then, maybe the coldness I feel
From my hand to my feet's heel
Is a reflection of the atrociousness I conceal
Just to go with this ludicrous ordeal

My soul is just too bitter, just like how I hate
The unfortunate temperature of my fate
Yet fervor is the wish of this vicious slate
Before the chessboard declares its losing checkmate

Unfortunately, things must come to an end
There's no point to try to make this encounter bend
Because it will all just be like play-pretend
Of not acknowledging the conclusion of this descend

I came to hate the cold
And when judgment day comes, with my sins uncontrolled
I'd rather burn in the pits of hell in tenfold
Than to freeze in Dante's 9th circle's stranglehold.

The sorrow
The tears
The constant cries for help
All ignored and brushed away

I’m broken
Beat down by my own mind
Been that way for years
And yet my cries are never heard

I’m pushed away
Tossed around like garbage
No one really wants me around
And who can blame them anyway

My heart aches badly
But I know I can’t fix it
My mind screams loudly
Though I can’t silence it

The end of days is soon upon me
With no help how can one be expected
To continue this miserable existence
When all they get is ignored

I’m a burden on everyone I meet
I don’t deserve to live
Though I try so hard to voice my needs
It always ends in a fight

I no longer have a reason
A reason to exist
My heart is failing fast
I don’t know how much longer I have left

The one person I wanted to help me
The one person I cared about the most
The one person in which I love
Shoved me away to die

With heart shattered
And mind destroyed
I no longer have a reason
To continue this fight

No matter how hard I beg
No matter how hard I try
I can never fix this
Heaven knows I want too

My love runs so deep
That it hurts inside
My heart starts to burn
As pain runs through my chest

I have lost everything
There is nothing left for me here
No joy, happiness or love
Only sorrow and pain

So I wish you the best
Though I always have
For you to live
For the both of us

Cause even though
You ripped out my heart
And stomped it into the ground
I still love you to death

My soul shall remain by your side
For all eternity my love
For you were the only happiness
That I ever had

I wanted to write  about something happy.

I wanted to write about love, but realized nobody wants to hear that.

To write about someone else.
How they walk, how they talk and  how you talk about them way too much.

“It’s all too mundane,” everyone  would say.


Yesterday night, I slept by your side and that’s all I needed that the time.

To wrapped in your arms.

“Mundane!” They would say.

Yesterday morning, I heard your voice on the other end of the line and that’s all I needed at the time.

Last week, I didn’t want to leave your house. I wanted to stay there on your couch watching tv till I heard God speak himself

Until I heard his voice on the other end of the line which will be never so really, last week, I wanted to stay with you forever  , but nobody wants to hear that.

“Still too mundane!” They would all say.

A few nights ago, your sister told me, “our father didn’t start hitting women until he was twenty so you’ve got time.”    

A few nights ago you told me you were going to propose.  

Today, I was lying in my bed wondering to myself in my head if I wanted to spend the rest of my life someone who might hit me.

“Maybe he wouldn’t.” I said.

But maybe he would.

“Now were getting somewhere.”

Maybe it would be on our first night of marriage or maybe our 40th.

We would get into some petty little argument and it would just happen faster then I could snap my fingers.

Yesterday night, I slept by your side and that’s all I needed that the time.

“Mundane!” they would say.

You wrapped me in your arms so tight, I started to lose my sight. I couldn’t breath, but for a second, I felt relieved.

“Now we’re getting somewhere.”

I remember one day you said to me, “ I would never hit you.” And that’s all I needed at time.

I wanted to write about something happy. I wanted write about love, but realized nobody wants to hear that.


To write about someone else. How they walk. How they talk. How they talk about their father and wishes him dead, how they snap in an instant, how they break things and don’t know how it fix them!

“Now we’re getting somewhere .”

Take this glue
And seal my heart
Fix the cracks
Which are leaking black

Save my soul
From rotting away
This pain is becoming
Unbearably real

My love is too strong
To just vanish like you want
It’s like a fire burning
Threatening to turn into ash

Place your hand
Upon my heart
And feel the blaze
That still remains

Growing stronger
With each passing day
I beg my heart
To stop this display

But to my dismay
It doesn’t listen
It does what it wants
Even if it causes pain

I beg and I plead
For this agony to end
For my suffering to stop
But it will never come

I try to distract myself
Distract my heart and mind
Put them on something else
Anything at all

But you always seem
To come crawling in
Setting my heart ablaze
And my mind turns dark

My love for you
Won’t stop growing
No matter how hard I try
My mind can’t stop it

The heart wants what the heart wants
Or at least that’s how the saying goes
But right now it feels like all it wants
Is to destroy itself through endless suffering

With just a simple flutter of a thought
My day could turn from the happiest I’ve had
To the darkest in which I dread
Begging for the end of time

Oh how I miss our talks
I miss waking up to you
I miss you holding me as I fall asleep
Feeling safe from the night terrors that creep

I miss the way you smiled
When you looked my way
The way you joked around
To cheer me up on a rainy day

I miss the comfort you gave me
The laughs we shared
The embraces that kept me warm inside
Warning the darkness to step aside

But now I’m alone
There is no safety
I’m terrified to sleep
And even more so to wake

This feeling inside me
Grows stronger and stronger
I don’t know how much more I can take
Before this life is pushed to the end

When I get excited
I instinctively turn my head
Thinking you are still by my side
But then I see there’s no one there

I stare at the empty spot on my bed
The one that you use to fill
And tears start to fall
As I lose all self control

The tears that burn so much
Like acid drops on my skin
The tightness of my chest
The aching in my heart

I end up in a ball
Crying out to the Gods of old
Pleading for mercy
From this cruel fate

Pleading with all my heart
For just one more chance
To make it right
In exchange for my soul