The Light

I’m feeling emotions I don’t want to feel,
praying that God helps my journey to heal.
The curtain has fallen on my happily ever after,
my knight was a man who crushed my spirit. I heard his cruel, mocking laughter.

Before my life changed, I had goals for myself. I once knew how to love me.
I believed in myself and what I could do, and my own happiness was key.
I didn’t need anyone to make me feel whole.
Self-confidence and self-love were already present, they were a part of my soul.

My light was so bright, I knew others felt it.They were drawn to its charm.
Then He drew me in with his promise of love; he said he'd protect me from harm.
Like a thief in the night he stole my light, his words left my soul bare.
I gave so much that now I am empty, and, I realize he never did care.

I can’t help but wonder why did he choose me? It’s just plain evil, I think.
Devouring light like a modern day vampire, until beautiful souls are extinct.

Randy McPeek

"Don't beat yourself up about it,"

He said this as if by hearing those words
I would not receive the bruises and scratches
That he repeatedly gave to me.
That by hearing those words,
Every hurtful thing he told me was flawed
Could be erased
Dissolved.
He told me not to beat myself up about it
As he was slicing me open.

I will drag my knife along your skin,
sharp blade down into your fragile, shaking canvas,
incising an increasing beat of whimpers and whines.
Please hold still. I promise this will hurt.

I will expose your clattering bones,
rip out your chattering teeth,
erase every impugned utterance
you muttered against me.
I will carve my letters slowly
on your unzipped frame,
sliding the burgundy blood across to
blot
       clot
              dot.    

This is only preparation for what is about to follow.

I will puncture your throbbing organs,
slash your stretched cartilage
with an unwritten script.
Before I press further,
I’ll assure you, you are still alive.

I will twist each phrase,
haunt you to believe it is your fault,
force you to beg the slightest escape.
I will permanently etch my name
deep in the frozen chambers
of your quivering heart.

I will open up the blueprint as a demolition expert,
remove whole fractions of your fractured soul,
leave you a horrid wreck in the abyss
of a mess you just made.

You will not get rid of me,
though no trace of evidence is left behind.

My hands have been clean from the start.

You said you were forever
You said we'd always be friends
You stick by my side no matter what
It would be years till we met our ends

We would have our children play
Like us they would be together
They would share all our memories
Like us they would never lie to each other

Then you started to hide things
You manipulated, controlled our rights
We cried over the phone
As you started merciless fights

You promises all disappeared
Becoming faded ink on our sleeve
You turned all but a few against me
Soon we wanted you to leave

Once you were the world to some but
you hurt us more than we can say
You brought pains, scars and sadness
Emotions that will never go away

And now you've gone and left us
The pain has finally gone
But tears can still be shed at night
From a pain that lasted so long

Confusion clouds my mind
You're perfect and you love me
Why can't I love you?
I don't know who else to be

My heart yearns for the one
That knows without knowing
This boy that was a man even in youth
The ache in my heart still growing

I miss him, and I've tried to fill the hole
That was left when I pushed him away
But you aren't him, I can't love you the same
So I hold back everything I feel everyday

He said what I needed to hear
In his faults I find perfection
And I just can't let him go
But these lies are becoming an infection

I love him, the way I can't love you
I lie in hopes my heart will change
But I know I don't really want to change
Everything in my life I must rearrange

I wait and ponder why my heart is gone
My heart has not been mine for years now
But I finally feel the empty place there
When he's not in my life somehow

I made a promise to you
I shan't break it, but in the end
When my vow has been fulfilled
I am going to have to make a mend

Because that will be the end
Of the us of you and I
I will hold out for the one I love
And I'll never again say good-bye

I’m turning to an ugly beast..A servant for the devil..A black slave with a lost heart.. who are tortured by his lord.. A torture have never been seen or heard.. a lord who let his servants choose a path between light and darkness.. servants are blind enough to dig in darkness to find light .. but is the servants are truly blind.. searching for Hop,promises.. But manipulated by the devil..