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Randy Mcpeek Jan 12
Finding What Was Lost                          1/12/19

I’m searching for something I’ve lost. You can’t help me look for it.
I can’t quite remember what I did with it. This thing that seems to elude me.
How could I misplace something so important?

I became complacent, that’s what happened.
What was an intrinsic part of me, not nurtured, left me abandoned.
If I call to it, it does not come like a puppy who has escaped the yard with its tail tucked in between his legs.
I have to show what I’ve lost, that it is of value to me.

“Hello?” please come back. I swear I’ll do better, and work harder than I ever have.
I know now that my existence is meaningless without this part of me.

Realizing this, I reach into the dark places of my mind for the light switch to flip on.
Recalling every detail about what I love to do, nurturing what gives me purpose.

Because, in the end, only I can fulfill this need.  
Reinventing, transforming, and evolving. Finding myself along to way.
Becoming a better version of what I was and, in doing that, embrace me.
Hello soul.

By.
Randy McPeek
Randy Mcpeek Sep 2018
Missing You.                                     9/21/2018

I sat and talked to you today. I miss those talks, and the way you would listen.
I knew I could tell you anything. Your advice was nothing short of just what I needed to hear. You knew I needed encouragement,  entwined with the underlying question "Randy, what are you doing to do? Are you going to let this beat you down? Or are you going to beat it? In case you've forgotten, you are stronger than you know". words I'll always remember.
What I wouldn't give hear his gravelly voice, and see that cheesy mustache one more time. When we would sit and talk, drinking coffee, sitting on the porch swing in Idaho. It felt like we were the only to people in the world that  mattered. In a world that could care less about me, you always had my back.
I wonder what it's like in heaven for you. Are there places to sit and talk like the poarch in Idaho? I hope the angels recognize a wise and decent man when they see one. Are you singing in the choir?. Your baritone voice booming so loud that the heavens shake a bit.

I sat at your grave and wished you a Happy Birthday.  My hand sweeps off the dirt , empties the old sludgy water, fills it with clear,and pops in a beautiful arrangement of flowers.
“I miss you,Dad.” I whisper..Then a smile comes across my lips as I repeat the line I used to tease you with “Our father who art in heaven, HOWARD be thy name"..

By,
Randy McPeek
Randy Mcpeek Sep 2018
My Broken Life

I am a mask, trying to conceal all the pain I'm in.
On the surface I may seem perfectly happy, with a job, home, and family.
However, I can say with certainty that my life is far from perfect.
I compartmentalize my actions based on the needs of the moment. I am removed from it all, coping.
What I carry around inside me, not being okay, is almost too much to bear...but I do it.

The problem is me. It's always been me.
Memories alone can break a person's spirit.
I think if I committed suicide that I wouldn't go to heaven. The one place I believe I would be happy.
If there is a purgatory, I am in it. It's called life.
My broken life.

Randy Mcpeek
Randy Mcpeek Apr 2018
Rocky Knows

Can there possibly be,
any more of a good-natured and
devoted friend than my big, brown dog named Rocky?

My dog; all he has ever known is my care.
In return, he has within
Him only one driving passion and desire,
to live along side and please me.

My boy is not petty, he does not hold any grudges.
He seldom nags, and never talks too much,
In short,He is the perfect friend.

Other than a hopeful encouraging gaze,
Two times a day, like clockwork,
He comes for food.
Rocky does not require much from me.
Except to be protected, loved
And treated fair.

Oh sure, he also lets me know when,
he needs to go outside to do his Duty.
Now that is so much more preferable,
to that other unpleasant option.
How **** smart is that?
Sometimes I don't even know,
when I have to go to the bathroom,
And I'm an intelligent human.

At least once a day, he
conspicuously stands at the
door, looking to go outside,
for a little exercise.
And gently reminds me,
that a brisk walk would
do me more good, than him.

I can sometimes be a little down,
When along comes my canine therapist,
And lets me bury my face in his soft fur,
drying my tears. Such is his nature.

Even merely going out to my car,
for five minutes,
When I return, I'm excitedly, and
lovingly greeted with a toy, as if
I'd been gone forever.

If I could hook up,
Rocky’s gyrating, maniacal tail,
to my house electricity,
no utility' bills would ever need to be paid.

Sometimes I swear,
that old boy of mine,
is actually smiling.

I like people just fine,
but I must honestly admit,
in the company of my dog,
I am completely content.

Sure, I occasionally I seek the
companionship of other humans,
As long as my dog,
can come along,
and attend the party, too.

When I was a child,
My father was never around much..
It was in the company of my first dog.
that I truly understood,
that dogs are people too.
Much smarter than
people give them credit for.

The only sad part
to this compatible pairing,
this marriage of the heart,
is that I must outlive my best friend.

Love is love and
gone is gone
and nothing
can ever change that.
That loss has come
to me, more times
than I care to remember.
I weep and mourn and
swear to never ever,
suffer that pain again.

Yet,a sweet new
face with eyes that plead for love
can do wonders to heal
a sad broken heart..

Once more it begins.
I will open my soul
and embrace that precious
young face.
Searching behind the eyes of my new best friend
for a small glimpse of my boy, Rocky.
Remembering the look on his face when I told him
He was the best dog ever.
That’s what's important.
Rocky knows.

By:
Randy McPeek
Randy Mcpeek Mar 2018
How am I supposed to feel?. Facing my own mortality, like an unwelcome stranger. Lying just beyond the edge of my thoughts, waiting.

Will things change so much, or very little? Where is the moment that decides the direction?. Looking at some obscure image on a screen?. I'm trying to decipher it like an MD.

Laughing at the thought.

All the things I'm reaching for suddenly seem insignificant. What's important is now. The people you love, they are the ones that matter. Cherish them. What does it mean to have the world, and share it with no one? Back up..

Waiting…..

Prioritizing. Mortality is something everyone will face. What about God? Was my life designed before I was born? I think so.

Now. That's all I have. My dreams and goals have become most important. Not because I need to accomplish them, but, because they are what defines me. I am a unique soul, with a unique purpose.

Maybe it's decided already. I will let that stranger in...Uncertainty.
I lean in for the kiss of welcoming. Asking for clarity to understand, and accept.

In that moment, I embrace the life I have, and pray to the God I know.
Life will go on after I'm done.
In the end what matters is how well we loved,how fully we lived, and how deeply we let go.

Randy McPeek
Randy Mcpeek Nov 2017
Reflection

Sometimes I reflect on in my life, and, what has held meaning to me.
The simplicity of my childhood is gone, because of grown up responsibility.
The carefree days of my youth have all passed, I look back at those days and I smile.
How I’d love to go back and revisit those times, if only for a little while.
The long summer days I spent at the beach, and late nights spent with a friend.
I wonder what ever happened to those days, when I thought the party wouldn’t end.
My life has made me stronger than I ever expected to be.
Was it worth all the effort I made and did I see everything I wanted to see?
I can't say I have the answer for that, nor I've done aIl that I wanted to do.
In the end it's about not having regrets, and holding fast to the dreams you pursue..

By,
Randy McPeek

11/22/2017
Randy Mcpeek Nov 2017
You Fill Me With Breath              11/11/17

You fill me with breath and you take it away.
I still can’t believe how you opened my heart in a way that awakened my very soul.
In the beginning, it was not about romancing each other. I thought of you as a friend, and possible lover.
But the day came that I looked into your eyes, and I knew, the feelings I had were more than I expected, or wanted. It’s true.

We’d crossed the line of keeping it simple. Being together was what we craved.
As we touched, we felt a connection so deep that our hearts were enslaved.
Like paint mixing and swirling... it's beauty is not fully known until the picture is finished.
The things we experienced and brought us together were something we cherished.

When I reflect on how I feel at your touch, I close my eyes because the though of "us" is too much.
Pleasure takes over until I’m no longer aware.
Your fingers trace over my skin, igniting the desire burning there.
Fulfillment is inevitable, and we are one without restraint.
I feel your warm breath on mine...and it becomes clear that;

You fill me with breath and you take it away.


Randy McPeek
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