This is desire; nothing you have heard of in
Romantic poems, of red, of pink, of green,
Of gold and pearlescent white - it is a picture
Of me in my pjs, with my sexiest underwear
Beneath, for no reason at all - I have my feet
Up on the footstool of our stained sofa set
Coffee and alcohol and goodness-knows-what
From bygone beggars who lived our student lot
And it's quarter past two, and I have a well-eaten
Granny Smith core in my hand, and the day has beaten
Me. The week has beaten me, but hey!
I smiled through it all, almost all the way.
And my household (mis)adventures mean I carry a stale chipshop
And washing smell about me. And I stop
And I think, yeah, I'm only up because I'm working late -
I'm only working late because I got up late -
I only got up late because it finally hit me -
It finally hit me and I'm working on trying to get by
So I record myself on IG live reading a Victorian novel
I discovered two summers ago when another total
Fool decided it was wise to break my heart
Because I'm needing the typed-in hope, on my part,
Discovering that I'm sitting with a journey ahead
Stilled, getting over the craziness, the pain in my belly and head,
A hundred things I could do fresher and if I just lived normally
And I'm sitting, again, a picture of nonchalant insanity
Over a pair of strong tan arms, great hands, quick-fingers,
Beautiful blue eyes, a jaw, a beard, a chest, a heart that lingers
Everywhere, in every word you speak - it resounds, rather,
Root-chords and sevenths and sixths and fourths, and, bother,
I write you as a blazon when it was your whole and soul
I loved. "I loved you once". I think I love you now, the fool
I am, staring into the dark night, the flats across where they
Have potted tropical plants and a couple and a cat, and hey,
I sing whenever the window is open, hoping you will pass
And hear my clear voice lauding your songs and more, but alas
These hopes are vain, and the window was open wide tonight
And I wonder how many I entertained, not going left or right,
Dimming the lights, thinking about you, and losing my mind
As I still do? No, it's not a **** picture, but I'm inclined
To say it's real, and if that ain't ****, the ****** says,
Then I sure as heck will never settle for what is.

He was never mine to begin with
Except I'd always thought love for me,
would come with road trips and hand in hand walks on the beach,
And maybe, boat rides.

All these happened,
out of the context of love.

I know me well enough to know what love would feel like,
Thing is, we're not lovers.
How do I feel all these things in the warmness of his touch and overpowering hugs?

How are we almost Lovers and yet one hundred percent just friends?

a new day
new faces
endless masks to wear

decisions

details

the fork in the road
stops me in my tracks

have i made the right choices?

did i say the right thing?

my mind has no limits
but stops working
when you walk into the room
i’m not good enough for you
i know that i’ll never be good enough for you
but i’ll keep trying
my heart aches
for its missing piece

i am futility,
a history of waves
     broken upon the shore,
for i have friendship
     yet i desire something more.

In your cold absence,
I have forgotten what
the word warmth meant

Perhaps you were  
the word warmth

But now, you are
the word silence

I talk to you,
but you do not talk back

Let me keep falling in this whirlwind
My heart fluttered but you made it thunder
This storm wants me turn more of the pages of you
The Coldness made me crave you
You gave me warmth
Inside grows stronger
Let me please keep Burning in You
You’ll never know
This warmth has become this scorching heat for you
You are the Joy I have no right to have
Imagining holding you and be held by you
Suffocates me, takes all of me, takes the oxygen out of my lungs
I’ll never know regret
You are love and happiness and hope
You are my Sun and you are also the Sea
Please let me forever drift in you
I want to forever Drown in You

Bring it back.
Return to me the time I spent with you on my mind.
Gather up the seconds I spent with you,
Go back to find the laughter,
The stolen glances, and
The feelings we shared.
No need to wrap or tie them neatly,
Just bring them back.

Let me hold them in my hands one last time
Before I toss them to the flames.
Before I loosen my grasp
And let the poetry I wrote for you
Be carried away by the winds.

Let me look at you one more time.
Let me smile at you one more time.
Let you see the love for you in my eyes
Once more. No more.
I will turn my back to you leaving ashes and scattered poetry.
You will watch me leave before turning your way as well.

And with our futures in our hands,
And our paths clear of each other,
Let us run so fast that we have no time to look back.

It was always you by my side;
It was always us
Pulling the sun into the sky and
Taking walks into dawn.

I think it was always there
This feeling
Buried somewhere beneath
The contentment and “guarantee”
That you would always be there.

We never needed any words
Our silence spoke our truths—

I know it was always there,
I just wish I realized earlier.
I wish I realized that I love you
Before I learned what it feels like
to lose you.

Best friend,
I now know that
I never fell in love with you,
I loved you since the beginning.