The world turned to dust,
I  just knew you were gone.
That heart made of glass
shattered into pieces,
Unhappiness broke in
I watched who I was
Gone, free, & forgotten...
In one blink, I neglected who I was.
I asked myself,
"Who was I before you walked in?"
I was wondering and thinking,
I was wandering the world for answers,
Asking people who used to know me
"Who was I? Who was I? Who was I?"
And I suddenly knew,
I was nothing and you made me feel
That I was everything.
Walking in the dimensions of time,
I watch your little chortle,
And just gave me a smile.
It was true and I knew
how you revealed the divergence...
What's satisfaction?
What is blue?
The way it was before,
It was cruel to leave
A loving heart,
Isn't it?
She gave everything
She wished you knew.
She would wish to see you smile,
And tell you she's fine
Whenever she feels the cold.

What a beautiful smile
That would conceal
All her scars beneath her sleeves
Oh, her eyes full of tears,
Swollen, living the depths of death.

I realized...
It was not your fault,
It was mine.
I believed once,
But never would again.

She wore her hood on,
Left red marks on her wrist,
How beautiful it is
To see the ocean floor beneath,
Picturing the deepening pain
That would pierce through her skin.

It is hard to lose someone
even more so
if they're walking on earths surface
even though your earth; your home; is crushing underneath their footsteps

It is hard to lose someone
even more so
if they're making it hard
by making it easy
to love hate

It is hard to lose someone
even more so
if that person was in your heart but
clawed their way out through phrasial combinations
thinking they were helping it to beat

It is hard to lose someone
and it is incommensurable

These tracks playing in the back of my mind
Overlapping
Seeping
Diffusing
Into every sound,
Colour,
Movement...
Infusing into my veins,
Pulse,
Eyes
Gripping my heart
As the surrounding muscle contracts
And takes over

Pumps
Loosening my body
Muscles stiffen,
Peripheral vision darkened
Pump pump
Throat clump
I missed my chance
I missed my chance
Neck outstretched
Eye lids embracing my eyes
You're losing focus
And this distance,
Lack of reassurance,
Eats me up

And so I hide away

the problem is that
we still care about the effects.
We still plan,
we still schedule what we are about to do.
What we MUST do,
right?
We want to be always ready,
to always have plan B close-by,
because
we don't really like any kind of surprises.
But you know what?
We lose everything by sitting
and calculating,
organizing the things as we want to,
and they will fly by
and...
We wake up, then,
with tons of list in your hands that you were expecting to tick.
And time passes,
because it does not forgive,
and you end up realising how you can lose
any essence, sense and purpose.

i'd say i'd want to die,
but i am not living,
only existing.
going day by day,
the same routine over and over,
slowly being filled with hatred
for those who have stolen your
love and freedom away from you.
'i hate you! i hate you! i hate you!'
you wish to scream, but
suppress it all in a look they
cannot read.
**** it, i'll cry.

I’m a soldier
in a war
sold to the highest bidder
Biding my time
getting high
but not getting
anything out of
life

A lifer
a loser
lost his way
was on his way
on a journey
was earning
a living
was living
a life
in spite of
spitting in the face
of all I was faced with
Couldn’t face up
to the need
I was feeding
A hole
from which
my soul
was bleeding
Unknown reason
harboring this treason
give it time
it will season
Belief system
the Devil
finds pleasing

No matter
how much I tried
and from everyone hide,
including myself,
what was
deep inside
If I went
and made
an attempt
a fool I'd be,
wasted time spent
A lament
at controlling
the tide
And each day
from the next
more and more
of me died

There was a time
when all my efforts
went unheeded
and instead
succeeded
But these courtships
did not breed
or plant the seed
Instead was seething
to be
leaving
Escaping from me
with each breath
I’m breathing

A horrible time
indeed
Unfamiliar,
making me ill
Not having free will
Undeserving
and not for me
to get
Must get angry
and upset
Breaking steps
So many
missteps
I’m falling
more than I’m standing

Steps I’ve climbed
mostly blind
by my blindfold
Its knots
I bind
the moment
I ‘rise-and-shine’
so that
in time
when rising
like yeast,
the hiding
inner self
self-defeats

Every hand folding
as I’m
raising the bets,
doesn't make sense
From where
did I get
this invisible pet
Originally set
and previously molded
in the early stages
of the morning
in a story
that’s boring
and been told
time and time again
with
lost love ones
and friends

A friendly reminder
that a
“stitch-in-time”
is not
a time saver
if the referenced ‘stitch’
relied upon
was built upon
lies
Consumed
from others
that we
self tie
but mostly
force fed
by the very hand
controlled
by my head

It’s a numbing thought;
reasons sought
Elusive?
‘yes’
but pieces
caught
My peace disturbed
by actions
brought
from a desire
to numb
so that these thoughts
will be
forgotten

Decayed
and rotten
left for days
in a
wrought iron cage
Anyone
with sage
too afraid
to consume
but 'In-Doom'
I trust
and with full ******
my smile
displayed;
Forward I go
for sins
I pay
and lie within
this bed
I've made

Not night;
thick of day
No difference displayed
Skewed indifference
to the
different
paths
that have been
laid
like the path
of destruction
from this day
back
in my wake
Bindings
can't brake
A life's mistake
Lay me down
my soul
to take
Lying in state,
a viewing,
my wake
My mind
now awake
-
Cruelty's laugh
makes me
an ***
A crass reminder
of a life
that's past

afraid of having you wholefully
for a fear of losing you pieces by pieces, slowly
from trapping you inside of me 24/7
to letting you go entirely
by saying i love you each and every single night
doesn't mean i want to be yours
i just wanted to feel, be loved, by loving
in case i don't get any of you
either because you're not used to me
or you choose not to
it doesn't matter
cause every time
my eyes scream 'you look beautiful' in every light i met you
my heart runs a marathon for the hope of welcoming yours into mine
even my nose sense a tragic yet desiring story of one who fell so deep
one became so in love
and for each time you smile, not for me, for who, but the world,
my existence has been blessed for letting you be one of thousands i've seen
one of hundreds i know
one of few i befriend
one of one i fell for

and when the time comes,
i know my invitation never really went away