"I want to stay,"
I told myself.
I want to enjoy every bit of second,
every moment, every day,
every time I get to distract myself
with the happiness I feel.
But I shouldn't,
for I should not.

Perhaps staying
can be deadly sometimes.
No matter how much you wanted
to stay on the same boat,
on the same ground,
or the same memory
over and over again,
eventually, you will eave.
Because you'll need to leave.

Perhaps leaving
isn't that bad after all.
No matter how much
you wanted to hold on,
on the bond that took years to build,
on trusts that took seconds to break,
and even on promises that took forever to wait.
Eventually, you will let everything go,
for you need to let go.

A person, an emotion,
a feeling, a sensation
would somehow be enough
to prevent me from growing.
Because of that single reason,
a child continues to wonder.
But I realized that I shouldn't,
for the reason that I should not.

This time I free myself.
I shall wear thicker skin.
I shall heighten my walls even higher.
I shall make my heart a little bit colder.
Perhaps it's not bad at all.
Perhaps it is what I need after all.

I may stay on the same ground,
but with a different pair of shoes.
I may stay on the same boat,
but with a different direction.
I may stay on the same memory,
but with a different me.

Don't get me wrong,
I want to stay, I really do,
but I do need to grow.

i’ve always been on a
mission to reinvent myself

a mission expressed through
spreadsheets, guitars
powerpoints, paintbrushes
fabric, calculator buttons
bright colors of yarn
coffee and flowers
smiles at strangers
and always words

here and there
then and again
i’ve found myself satisfied
with who i found myself
to be at the end
of the week

i thought things were
on the upswing
thought that i had
almost made it
for two months this year
i was satisfied

with fifty six hour work weeks
and the bright blue blanket
forming under my fingers
the feeling of hope
brewing when i looked in
my bank account and thought
about him
about the home
that wasn’t ours yet but
would be soon

and then it began
to crumble
a brick or two at
a time until a whole
piece of the picture
tumbled out

and my weeks were reduced
to thirty five hours and
a crippling sense of
impending disaster
even though everything else
was still looking up

now that i have a
bit of extra time i find
myself low on motivation
and wondering
if it’s time to build
a new version of myself

but i’ve reinvented myself
so many times
i don’t have the energy
to do it again

i just want to
exist

just want to fall
asleep in bed at the
end of the day and
not wake up in the morning
wanting to sleep
for the rest of the day

to enjoy moving
my body
the way the
seasons change
and how the stars
look at night

i’ve always been good
at staying
you just keep doing
what you’ve been doing
let your routines pull
you along with them

but now i’m learning
the art of leaving
and i’m finding its not
as hard as i thought it was

in fact you might
even think
of it as almost
freeing

the leaving
behind of what’s
gotten too
familiar
the option to
reinvent

past leavings
have hurt
left me reeling
on cold floors
fighting to get air
into my lungs

but this time
the leaving is
quiet
barely noticeable
in the chilly
morning dew
as i let myself
slip away
under the gray sky
that hasn’t yet
realized it’s hanging
over a lost town

and i don’t feel pain
only the slightest
twinge of
bittersweet nostalgia

i’m not going
to reinvent myself
this time
i’m going to
exist
and somewhere
along the line
i think maybe
it’s myself
that i’ll find

the thing about
first jobs is that
they’re never
your last job

and for all the years
spent behind this counter
i’ll spend ten more
somewhere else

and now it’s time
to leave

i wish it didn’t
have to end this way
wish things would have
turned out differently

but at the end
of the day i know
i made the best
choice i could
as long as my
hands were tied

and i don’t know
where i’m going
from here and
i’m afraid

but not so afraid
that i can’t see
there’s something
better for me

and this time
change
is good for me
because who knows
how long i would
have let myself grow old
saturated in coffee under my nails
grease on my apron
and tears that
didn’t come from onions

and i’d like to hope
that i won’t be forgotten
like to hope that when
you put an extra tablet in
the sani water that you
think of me as it dissolves

like to hope that you
miss the way your
coffee tasted just perfectly
sweet enough when i
was the one
making it

like to hope you’ll
miss my scones and
coffee cakes and the way
i always tried to be
a forceful source
of encouragement

i like to hope
but i know
deep down inside
life just rolls
onward and soon
someone else will come
along and all i did
will be forgotten

but i do
like to hope

You have been holding me
Like a flower in your palms
I tried to wither but
You held me tighter

I felt like I'm slippery
Like a fish you want to tame
I tried to jump back to the water
But you didn't let me

Now your embrace hurts
Your grip is drowning me
In my own tears of sorrow
And not the ground underneath

I want to be one with the stars
I want the moon to comfort me
I want it to take me where I belong
Two feet under a bouquet of rose

I never asked for you
But you came anyway
Thank you for the chance, Life
But I would now walk away

I am sixteen going on lonely, and I hide secrets  between the lips of my friends.
I drink coffee to feel grown up but I hate the bitter taste.
Im afraid of ghosts and memories, but not the kinds you see in movies.
I don’t know how to feel about you leaving, but I know it’s for the best.

Once upon a time,
there were 12.
12 filled chairs.
1 full table.
12 full hearts.

Then, there were 8.
4 empty chairs.
And suddenly I blinked and---

10 empty chairs.
2 empty hearts.

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."


- Evan Huang