Almost three decades later,
and the position I take in my own life is second place.
I placed the blame of my position on the loved ones I trusted
but they are not the ones to take blame.

Two decades have passed,
and I still placed myself second to those
temporary in my life.

Most nights I lay my head on a pillow
filled with the tears I cry myself to sleep.
These tears carry the pain of invalidation
from the loved ones I trusted to love me.

The kind of Love
that I should be giving myself.

A decade into existing on this planet,
and I am so confused by the mixed
feelings my young heart felt.

She craved the loving touch of her mother,
but it was met with bitter words.
She ran into the street to play with the neighbor's kids,
just to be met by mockery and confusion.

She awaits her father from yet another work trip,
just to be met by a distant stranger that
rather be occupied with anything else
other than time with his daughter.

She sits in a classroom filled with
other kids that don't look like her,
confused with many questions
but too scared to ask.

I have put myself second in my life,
believing that I do not want anyone
feeling that way.
So I took it upon myself to put them
in first place in my life.
And now,
I am the one feeling the pain
of always being in second place.

why is it always
her you find yourself wanting
when I’m not around

Everyday
You would shout
Scream
And belt.

With each word
You drove a sword through
My child mind

Thank you for the wounds
Thank you for the insults

Without your fierce
Sad and insecure stabs

I’d never be so determined
To be the exact opposite
Of who you think I am.

How insecure am I
It comes out in waves
as I call out the names
it's been ever the same
as far, since I was five.

I see them
looking at me,
they can sense my nervous energy,
I can see the anxiety building up
Overflowing the cup
as I grow old.

I am okay
without anybody
But I change immediately
as I sense someone
around me.

It's just me
I feel everyone judging me,
I want high scores
but I can't act right,
I know it is impossible
to please everyone
but at those times
I just forget even to try,
it's how I am.

I do know,
I am getting negatives
because of my inactions
but I cannot calm my nerves.
It is the heart hammering
On the walls loudly,
It is hard.

My eyes
vulnerable to all eyes,
Can't you see that I
am afraid?

I am an open book
with empty lines,
with doodles at sides,
this is my mind
with more scribbles.

I can't grow like this,
I've to get over this
the world is merciless,
won't give another chance
this is it, miss the hit
you go back home.

I am nervous, I am unsure,
I am a mess, looking for cure,
my best attempt of smile
is like another big failure,
I try to speak up, more words
they flow with stammer.