her laugh was cold.
"i know he doesn't care about me. and the worst part is, i know it, but i can't seem to walk away. i'm sitting here feeling sad for myself for this mess i choose to stay in. and i only have myself to blame."
her smile was small and sad.
"love... it does crazy things."

Anxiety beckons upon my doubtful mind.
Prolonging these connections, strains the efforts made.
Thoughts flood over internally.
Questions continue to build corrupting my mind.
Sweeping away doubts is my ignorance of what i sense.
Another game i believe.
But yet i still hold on.
Though what do i hold on too?
Trapped inside, fighting my demons, I want to give up.
Its taking its toll on me.

Is it nostalgia,
Habit or that little culprit

The awakening
Once more
The heart dropped
As if you were never gone

We ignore the signs
That tear us apart
Though history taught us
We are not enough

Love with you,
In perpetuity, and never sure
I can without
But I would rather not.

When you shut me out,
my soul just shudders,
at the thought,
a thought that my sole to soul
match could be gone,
forever,
where I will await your face again,
beneath the beautiful earthly loam you bury me in.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

You opened a door
I wanted to keep shut
and now the things
I feared behind it
run loose and wild
dark thoughts take hold
multiplying, spreading
a disease I cannot cure
This darkness engulfs me
and your hand is just
barely out of reach

you captured my heart
by the way you told me
to not be scared of love
that not all men are like my dad.

or maybe it was the simple thing you do
like noticing every little detail of me
like how my eyes resemble your cup of latte
unlike other girls's black coffee.
how it's blinking when
i talk bout things i am passionate about
or how it saddens me to see beggars
or how i easily cry during movies

'like Sadness from Inside Out', you said;
my head is full of overthinking thoughts
'i don't like figuring you out', you would say.

or maybe it was because you care about me
in a way nobody had ever
'let's visit your mother's grave sometimes'.

or how i could feel your sympathy
when i told you about my dark past
and the secrets i've never told anyone
and you remain silent.
'it was my first time holding my tears in front of a girl',
you later confessed.

and maybe it's because you know
what i would like to do in life
my perspective of life
my fears, secrets and dreams

or maybe it was just simply because of you
and your absurd too-many-questions.
or how you would ask me for a high five
and ended up capturing my hand in yours
and intertwining it with yours.

or your sudden 'i miss you's
and your warm hugs
your hand wrapped around me
or you pulling my nose playfully
you telling me 'i love you's
or those looks you give me
as if i can feel your sincerity and affections
and how you understand what i feel
without me telling you about it.

'i feel like i can instantly know what you feel',
you claimed.
'i have never felt so emotionally connected with someone before', you said.
'i will not tell anyone about your secrets. it will be safe with me'.

'but i am not looking for anyone or anything serious right now',
you added

'i want you to know that i am your best friend.
and honestly, you are my number one best friend.
you can count on me.
i don't want you
to avoiding me
i want us to remain friends'.


and you know what happened at the rest of the story.

'I don't think you're capable of loving anyone',
he said
hands on steering wheel
twinkling eyes on the road

breath in.
breath out.
suddenly i forgot how to breath
pang on my chest
'but i love you' - i wanted to scream so bad.

but how could i say it
when i had never done that
how could i say it
when i had never learned to say it
how could i say it
when i had never loved anyone
before you
show me
teach me how
please
wait
a little bit
longer
as i
learn
how to love
for
there was
no one
else
before you

i desperately wanted to say so.
yet i let a little pained laugh.
'of course I am', I answered.
'tell me at least one person that you love other than your family'.
i could sense it
your hope dangling
you had been patiently waiting for me to say it out loud
yet still
how to say it?
how
say it, please.
now
please

i feel your disappointment
within those silence.
and i'm sorry.
for i could not say it out loud.
but i loved you.
and i still do.

*yet you're gone before i could even learn to say it.
and now
you left me screaming it to the world out loud alone