After everything that we went through,
it's all now ashes on the ground.
I know I've said this is the last time,
many times before,
but this is the last time, I will let you hurt me again.

If I gave you up so easily,
why am I still hurting?
If I knew all along we were a lost cause,
why am I still searching?
If I made a lucky get away from the hell that was you,
then why do I still feel the same!

You were like a tornado,
tearing my world apart from the inside out.
You still haunt my dreams
turning them all to nightmare, all too easily...
So why do you still have me and when you shouldn't?

The path is getting blurry,
My words are slurry.

Lazarus plot imminent,
Have to be diligent.

My mind has been flayed,
My soul slayed.

It was us against the world some dark nights,
but you were hiding messed up secrets!
You took my breathe away, stole my light;
Made me feel like I was crazy for the longest while.
They say I got out just in time,
But honestly I'm not sure if they were right
because the scars have been embedded way too deep,
Now I don't know if there's much left of me...

If I dodged a bullet
then why am I still hurting?
I know things were a lost cause
so why am I searching for excuses?
If I made a getaway, from all your lies and your abuses
Why do I still feel the pain?
You still haunt me and you shouldn't
If i really dodged your bullet...

I’m barely holding it together
Feelings change like the weather
This darkness consumes my mind
Like I‘m living my life blind

Desperately trying to breathe air
But I‘m lost in despair
Wished someone was there
But do they really care

All these years I‘ve been trying
To build a life when I felt like dying
Found a way to numb the pain
Where only scars will remain

With all the demons I dealt
Can they understand how I felt
I don‘t know if I can win
With monsters living in my skin

**** it up, play it cool
You believed it, such a fool
Told me to be strong
When you don‘t know what‘s wrong

When I watch you being a dad... I love you.
When I see you smile and laugh... I love you.
When I see the boys getting along and wanting your attention... I love you.
When I see you trying... I love you.

But there are also times when I feel stupid and hurt...

When you yell at us even though you know you shouldn't...
When you get upset for the kids being kids...
When you put them down with the words you say not even realizing that you're hurting them or me...
When you call me names...
When you forget to do things you say you will...
When you stop trying because I've stopped asking...

I've been sick for almost a week .
Everything around me seem so inverted .

This bed and my body started to stink of rotten flesh .
And thoughts disappointments made me more miserable .

YES ! I am disappointed
And this disappointment is like a illness
This time it sits inside me .
I didn't get it by my expectations .
I had buried them long ago .

Why did you tainted that beautiful
Fragrance we had .
You've failed in every area to keep my emotions treasured .

At the end ,it is what it is .
And I am getting my pockets full of disappointments without even expecting .

Just because we smile together ,  doesn't mean I am happy .
Everytime i try to get closer ,
Feel that feeling of pisthurism ...
Do you know what I smell ?
Burning faith .

Shoot a bullet.
Shoot a bullet right through my heart
so it will stop beating.
Shoot a bullet right through my brain
so my thoughts stop racing.
Shoot a bullet at me
so I will stop feeling
so I will stop hurting
So I will stop trying.
Shoot a bullet.
Shoot it now.

Some nights passages away so prompt
those nights i enjoy deeper sleep
for other un-rushed nights
my chest carries a burden of my heavy breathe

shadow of cold night stabs my chest multiple
times , these nights
are filled with discomfort as
i struggle to calm my unrest mind .

my eyes wide open , i hear bird chirping outside
sun rays tracing their way up the bed , soothing
my hurting chest ,
i close my eyes and pull the blanket to one
side as now i can sleep calmly without fearing
dreams of pitch black nights .

You, one step forward.
Me, one step backward.
"This is a bad idea",
I voice as stably as I can.

I am a menacing typhoon
Curated by the sighs and whispers
Of the burnt and the buried.
I am their reincarnation.

I am designed specifically
To be masked like a poker player.
Do you think you know me?
Too much behind these foreboding cards.

Your soft kind flame has rekindled
my combustible mould of stone.
But I must keep you safe from me
By keeping you at arm's length.

Don't be foolish, I am hard to love.
What did you think, honey?
The cherry-red beneath my eyes
Are no dark circles.