and then there are nights
when I just feel like ****
useless, stupid, petty
I get jealous over the stupidest things
then I get angry at my anxiety
but what if it's not anxiety?

I'm so ugly
I have acne
I don't party
I'm not an exciting or fun time
I study too much
why would you love me?

no, stop,  you idiot
he cares so much about you
he'd do anything for you
stop belittling him
...but what if he gets bored?

It's during these nights
that I don't talk a lot
you wonder if I hate you
you worry I might break up with you

baby I love you so much
I just sometimes wonder
how do you love me?
I can't even love myself

No one feels like family
Not even my own kin
Not my friends
Not my coworkers
No one
Your family is supposed to be who you turn to when you need help
If you're not willing to go to them
They aren't your family
They're just people you grew up with
Who kept you alive
Feeling alone is terrible
Someone once told me I'm strong
I disagree
I'm weak
A coward
Stubborn
Arrogant
Its exhausting being at this alone
One day I just hope I run out of gas
Miles from home

I sit here in the dark,
     the emptiness that
     envelopes me.
                         There is but one question,
                                  one meaning and purpose,
                                  one that I can't fathom.
          Through my life, this simple,
                   inadequate life
                   there are things I've done.
                                                 I've hurt people, torment,
                                                           through my explosion of
                                                            expr­ession, Anger... Silence
               I know I've hurt you,
                         as painful as that is
                         to reflect.
  Yet, through it all,
          you're still here,
          withstand, ever present.
      No matter what explosion,
               what outburst I apply,
                here you are... Why.
                                                            ­        You say it's out of love,
                                                           ­                    you say that no matter,
                                                         ­                      no matter what... Love
                                          I've pushed, I've prodded,
                                                     pushing buttons, breaking barriers,
                                                     when I shouldn't...
                                               I don't mean to hurt you,
                                                      I never do, I never did,
                                                      But still you comfort... calm.
                        No matter the pain,
                                 the pain that I've caused,
                                 here you are, caring, loving.
                                                         ­     I know that you could do better,
                                                         ­         better than what I offer
                                                           ­       a seemingly endless barrage..
   Why? Why do you stay,
               stay in the place of endless,
               endless pain... Why?
                                               Is this the love everyone speaks of,
                                                       if so, why am I,
                                                       why am I so ashamed, undeserving.
                          I try to push you away,
                                  because I know I...
                                  I hurt you, yet you stay.
                                      I love you, but I don't,
                                             I don't want you to hurt,
                                             not anymore, let me leave... Please
But no, you won't let me,
         you continue to love,
         a love that is so... undeserving.
   You've done so much,
               so much love, but why...
               why do you put yourself... in pain?
                                                 I don't think that I can,
                                                            ­I don't think that I can
                                                            e­ver make you happy, ever again
                                      Yet you smile, a smile so
                                                    full of love, patience
                                                    an understanding that I can't accept.
         I ponder and I question,
                   no matter how I drag it out...
                   Why are you still here?... here with me...
-Navahopi119