another day another mistake
these bad habits I can't seem to break
it's as if they posses a mind of their own
my will wavers whichever way the wind is blown

indulge in excess
time and time again
I repeat the process
repent then sin

rinse and repeat
the guilt consumes me
I never seem to learn
at least not fully

even when I spend months on end
sober and free and conscious again
the cycles always draw me near
like a siren's song I can't unhear

I return to hell to make my bed
and as I lay in it - soul half dead
I come to terms with the fact
that this was my consciously chosen path

My life is a sequence of details
of getting dressed and small talk
wishing to walk away or embrace
and being tired at the end of the day

without a mainline, no game
of double tongue, linguistic tricks
or metaphors, not even
a virtual reality

of bloodless love
and polished pain
in detached poems
that push beyond the familiar

The details include
my love and my pain
which I learn to know in the everyday
of being tired, wishing to walk away

or embrace who is dear to me
what I often don't do

When I'm alone, finally independently
Individual
The darkest furthest corners of my mind
The other half of me reaching out
Whispers sweet alluring things, kindly
Gently
Tugging carefully at the strings of my will
Caressing, plucking and eventually
Clipping
The lines to my resistance
The chords of my voice
Allowing the floodgates to fall, collapse and
Surrender
And let me
Myself, the independent
Individual
Take control

Do you know someone who heals,
in whose presence you feel whole
you do not have to bow or kneel
nor beg nor fool nor cajole?

Do you know another whose care
and ability to reach inside
erases doubt and lays you bare
your doubt and pride are laid aside?

Distrust in me is the boulder rock
that averts, delays and hesitates,
stems the tide and sadly blocks
the flowing stream of healing grace.

You can't control feelings.
Feelings control you.

habits are hard to break/
and the effort and the time it takes/
to break the loop your brain has subconsciously traced/
are far more than the time it took for the habit to form in the first place