Autumn came quickly this year.
The skies tinted themselves gray.
The children were suddenly
under three layers of clothing.
I noticed I drank hot tea
instead of iced coffee.
My summer dresses
were replaced by my favorite
grubby sweaters.
Scarves flew in formation
to guard my neck from the cold air.
My music playlist went
from rock and roll
to acoustic.
I promised this autumn,
sadness will not strike.
I promised to leave
summer paralysis
back on the beach.
I was not to fall off
like the yellow leaves
from the oak outside my dorm.
You met me on my way to lecture.
You were cowarding
under three layers of clothing,
eyes tinted gray.
You were giving off
the scent of exhaustion.
You said I looked as if I were out to conquer the world.
You said I was armed with my algebra textbook.
I said you looked in harmony with the weather.
You laughed.
I believe you meant to stab me with that laugh.
To remind me how in August
your blue eyes did not want me.
But it's October.
And I'm detached from the thirst for you.
Autumn came so quickly this year
it made you irrelevant.
October turned your blue eyes
a negligible splash of gray,
made you fall off
like a yellow leaf
from the oak outside my dorm,
blurred you with the backdrop.
Autumn came so quickly,
October painted my green summer eyes
a fiesty, burning yellow,
a flame in contrast to the tinted sky,
made my footsteps soothing
like an acoustic guitar,
made my lips taste like hot tea in my own mouth.

In the still cool air of twilight
A gray rain falls
Changing the world to a dull blue
Quietly I watched
The remnants of the sun vanish
Beyond that horizon
Less fiery and bright
More cool and light
Peaceful and calm
A beginning rather than an end

I'm ripping myself apart again,
as the wind continues to call my name.
Its presence subdues me
Maybe I can be myself again?
But then I realize,
There is no self
Only hollow grounds
And I play catch in the hole.
I'd rather something pull me up
But there is no such grasp.
My love bids farewell,
As I shed inner tears.
I know it to be temporary.
Nothing lasts forever
And nothing really matters.
As if the pain could overcome my numbness,
I most likely wanted this.
My love, my ache, my other regret.
If I was dead before,
I am still so now.
At least this painful void is gone,
And you helped me set it free.
I thank you again for the remembrance
And I hope this all makes sense.
But my place remains the same
Where do I go from here?

reflecting back, yesterday was all gray
like the three days before
when you fall, the trick is in getting back up
even when you don't know what for
when you wake, bruised, bleeding and feeling
the weight of every haunting thought
fight through them and emerge on the other side
don't surrender and let yourself be caught

I prefer the gray.
I don’t want to choose between dark and light.
I like it that way.
No one can tell me if I feel alright.

I prefer the gray.
It can be whatever I want it to.
I like it that way.
Why pick joy or pain when both can be true?

I prefer the gray.
An aching heart can have a smiling face.
I like it that way.
Why must my emotions have their own place?

I prefer the gray.
What you think I mean is for me to know.
I like it that way.
When the words confound you just let them go.

Did I push everyone away,

that no one wants to stay?

will ever my finite days and hollow night won't be gray,

will ever anyone will accompany me to my prayers

before hope in me fades away.

With these thoughts and loneliness,

I am nearby to my doomsday.

all my life people hurt me,

made me feels like the joke of April fools day.

maybe it was yesterday

when my ******* reality ****** me away,

I didn't get a choice, didn't get a say.

life has ****** me without much foreplay.

I lost my sanity as everyone in my life took advantage of me ,

had their ways.

that was the day I set my soul ablaze,

to become my own hope of rays,

to make my own glory days.

I will keep exploring ' life ' the mighty maze,

even when I could feel hidden shadows watching me,

ready to pounce and  drag me away,

but I'll fight to rise above these haze.

I know I have my doubt I have my black days,

but I am a fighter and tomorrow is another day.

You and I will crack one day
The smoothness will all go away
And as our hairs fade into grey
Will the love still stay?

We promise love until the dust
But so often forget the rust
Failing frequently to discuss
What happens if nothing happens to us

The porcelain will splinter and chip
Marking, for some, where the veil rips
But my love lasts more than just a stint
Of smooth skin on my fingertips

For if the twilight fades the blue
It replaces it with countless hues
And so will grow my love for you
In seeing, remem’bring what we’ve gone through

You and I will crack, no doubt
But my love will faithfully pour out
To endless bound, in copious amounts
A quenching water from an undying spout

damp grass from the hillside
is cold on my feet as I walk
hands in my pockets and head looking down
legs leading slowly downhill
towards the sea.

There's something about going for a walk
that makes it easier to think
even if you completely ignore your surroundings
or don't go very far.

The sand surprises me
the soft white powder that shifts between my toes
and my feet slip a little with every step.

For the first time in a while, I look up
the sea is darker than usual, it's turbulent as well,
but I stop for a moment on the edge of the water.

Imagine If I fell in
I'd probably turn into driftwood and then just float off
until the water pushed me up onto some deserted beach
and then pulled me back in
and then pushed me up again
eternally caught in the space between sea and shore

the space between here and there
between is and isn't
between impulse and inactivity

I'm already there.