dare I write to touch souls,
leave my soul-prints on hearts?
inspire, create, teach, drown?
I falter, but I will. I have to.

Next month will mark 3 years
Of my long and wasted love
I fight my tears
of joy, prayers answered from above

I am not completely invisible
to you, as i thought
And yet you are still unaware
Of the heart you have caught

I remember my first sight
of you, sitting in my form
And your ****** expression  
When your uniform got torn

I remember your introduction
Your shy lowered eyes
And the quiver of your voice
Getting words out after so many tries

Now I smile out of the blue
Over our shy meetings
But you still have no clue
About me or my true feelings

When will you understand
I'll do all that I can
For my long and wasted love
I'll be content with just a friend

I sit here and I ponder
Over what the future will bring
The little time left with you
Before I'll only see you in a dream

My heart and my mind
Continue to be unsettled
I feel so restless and haggard
Like I'm fighting a battle

You have flooded my thoughts
Everyday, every night
You've turn into my light
You've brighten up my life

I have nothing to offer
No beauty or skill
All I have is my heart
What I think, what I feel

Afraid of your rejection
Afraid of your "okay"
Afraid that you will hate me
Afraid you'll turn away

Afraid that you would read this
And then you would say
"why would you write this poem?
It's embarrassing, okay?"

This is me extending a hand
Reaching out
And these words on this paper
Is me screaming out

Oh long and wasted love
I've like you a long time
It's been a secret all this while
Until my bestfriend  read my mind

I've already accepted
That nothing will happen
A thing with me and you
Is too good to imagine

Tell you this, tell you once
Make it my crime
You'll have a place in my heart
Till the end of time

Oh shy boy
If only you knew
How madly and deeply
I've fallen for you.

Maybe I need to break down
But, for the sake of being strong,
I'll force myself to hold on
God knows how long I'll last

Maybe I want to be broken down
Cause I know what pride I have
Won't let me do it
Myself

In the end, I feel I wasted the years
Working hard for something
That I knew, and I know
Will never be fulfilled

I feel like my insides have been completely ravaged and wasted of any good feelings and the desire to just give up and never come out of hiding again is strong. I am not in a good place right now. I am too tired to battle the demons in my head. I am broken! Broken! And broken NitaAnn cannot deal with the constant headaches and nausea. She cannot handle the chronic pain with no relief.

                                                     **She is broken.
                                                       Shattered.

Y'know I haven't in a while,
Haven't needed to feel the pain.
But for some reason I let a common internet troll get to me.
So now I guess I leave the site,
and hang my head in shame...
I played around with putting my feelings out there,
But this has proven it....

I can't trust *anything

Stop putting me in check.
I watch dreams I've worked so hard towards just wash away,
As if it's supposed to be easy to leave behind.

Stop sending me obstacles.
Endless bills,
Final notices just weeks away.
Destiny must be an oversight.
I'm positive there must be more then this....

Stop sending me deceitful lovers.
They consume my time,
Whisper promises never for filled,
It's all empty in the end.
I hate that it leaves me hallow.

Stop leaving me awake with worry. Endless outcomes steal my sleep,
My brain always stuck in over thought, My nights consumed in worry.

Stop putting me down,
When I give all I have.
Dreams always at my fingertips,
But never close enough to touch.

Must not be meant for me.
Climb the ladder reality says,
Life holds no place for dreamers.

Today I feel defeated. I feel like a small fish in the big ocean. Everything I do fails and at the moment my head is going full speed with "pictures" from my past. I call them pictures because that is what it looks like in my head. Like a slideshow. I think these pictures are eating me alive. It feels like there's a hole where my heart is supposed to be.

When I close my eyes I see darkness. A dark room. In this room is a crib, and in that crib there I lay. The crib bars surround me. I am crying. I cry because I am hungry or because I'm wet or lonely or maybe because I want my mother. I cry for all of the millions of reasons that babies cry. Until my door opens and the sound of his boots walking closer and closer to my crib gives me something else to cry about.

When I was born darkness cast its shadows over me. The devil himself kissed me on the cheek. That devil was my father.

I do not know how old I was the night that my father left my room but I know I was younger then two. This is the first memory I have of my life. I also remember his smell and his hands and that when he left I felt broken, hurt,shattered, exposed and confused. I do not know what he did to me exactly. This I cannot see. Maybe I am not ready to see it. But I know this incident changed who I was supposed to become.

This makes me angry! That my father the one who was supposed to love and guide me through life is the one who could hurt me in this way. When I see other girls with their dads, girls who complain about how "daddy won't give me money" or "my dad is so annoying" It literally makes me sick to my stomach. They have no idea what they have. I grew up with a dad who had two faces. He was charming and handsome and loving and made me want to be his daughter. Then night came and he was evil. Thinking of nighttime daddy makes my skin crawl. He played his game well and everyone was fooled. I was just a tiny bug caught in his web of lies. Only now 40 years old can I start to realize that what he did was wrong and was not my fault.

How could he look at me a small child and see anything ******? Babies are warmness, smiles, laughs, and play. What kind of person would want to destroy that? I guess no one can ever answer these questions for me. I have to accept this. Anyways explanations will not solve or fix what has already been done. Nothing will. I am a victim of ******. THERE I SAID IT. Acknowledging it makes it real. But that does not heal me. I am a broken bird with tattered wings.

How do I fix my heart with these huge gaping holes in it? Do I pretend I am okay and patch them up with fake smiles and laughter? What if the patches fall off and I am left feeling defeated again? Do I spend thousands of dollars talking to therapists about all of my many problems hoping that 10 years later I will somehow be "normal" whatever that is? I will go with the first option for now. Pretending I'm fine and putting a smile on my face. If I smile I seem happy and then no one will know the pain inside me. Some know what happened but think I am "healed" so they do not ask questions and smiles do not lie right?

Sometimes I wish that someone would see past it and try to save me. Take me into their arms and let me cry and give me what I crave so much. Human contact. The right kind of contact that reassures and tells you your safe and loved. I feel alone and without purpose. What I know is today I feel defeated. Today I feel alone. Today I remember things that I did not remember yesterday. Today I have flashbacks where I feel like a little girl again. Where I feel like his hands are rolling over my body now. His eyes creeping up on me now. But it is not happening now. It is not real. This is what happens today. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be better.

I am trying to heal. I am trying to move on. This is a slow moving hard process.