you met me in the most vulnerable moment of my life, i was split open, warm, bleeding on the concrete. you were perfectly aware i was a bundle of pain and fear, a creature caught in a bear trap, ready to chew its own leg to escape. i consider you more or less as my second car crash.
that one time you asked me if i felt safe with you i lied and said yes, but i really should have listened to the real answer, hidden in my stomach between all the caffeine and progesteron i needed to took for keeping myself sane... i should have said:
*absolutely not, i will reach out the door of your home as soon as possible and just keep on walking towards mine and never look back because i foretell you will tear up the fragments of my heart and just spit on them and and and *
i just said yes but i lied.
i just said yes but i lied.
i just said yes but i lied.
now i know it was all fake, i forced myself to ingest plastic and to pretend it was cake. i let you inject silicone into my heart and i started to think that was good to me, that was love, that was caring for me... but it wasn't -- it was just a sad and not so well done imitation of a real feeling which would have unlocked the doors to my body, your ultimate goal.
i was already dying and you gave me the final stab.
i hope you will never sleep again until i forgive you.
it won't happen very soon.

My pen just won’t translate clichés
For one reason or another.
It would rather ****** the page
Than aid in the smothering
Of youth, bridge the gap of old age,
Take mass graves and cover them, and
Would rather fade into disgrace
Than find a remedy to the blubbering.

Because this pen was not designed
To draw rainbows from hurricanes,
It would rather commit every crime
Than sketch new hues to the stain glass
Windows of anarchy and rhyme;
Rather commit arson daily

Than dig up the past for all to see
But none to find.
And one day soon you will race past the
Apple Store with its blaring screens,
The calamity of another mise en scéne
With nothing new to say but alas,
You can always find my pen in dreams
That make burning sense
Before they come to pass.

******* Mom. ******* Dad.
Youre the reason why I'm sad.
You don't see, you don't care,
You make sure i can't go anywhere.

Soon enough ill be eighteen,
and youll be sorry you were mean,
When you call I'll say to you,
"You can go to Hell. *******!!!"

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

an ode to what I am not
convenient
or skinny
organized
or welcoming
an ode to what you beg of me
all of these things I cannot be,
I will not be not ever
forever is a long time
to spend bending
your image of me
into something
that fits in your wallet
an ode to what I am not
gentle, rose colored china
sunday mornings with herbal tea
your hope or step in your 12 to get up
a beam of light at the edge of blackness
an ode to what I do not possess
healing powers like some 2,000 year old man
you pray to every day and beg I do the same
patience for another human who whats to change
who and what I am not
so I can play the part
I did not even audition for
an ode to what I am taking
back, my life
all of me, front and center
of the floor

You can ignore me,
but remember that you once loved me.
Yes, it hurts me sometimes,
but then I remember what you've done.
Taking screenshots of my loyal love,
and making fun of me for my feelings.
Thinking my heart was just a pawn,
a pawn in a board game that you'll forget about.
This bitterness against you isn't me being a crazy ex girlfriend,
it's me being human and having feelings.
I just don't understand how you could tell me that you loved me,
but leave me for the girl whom you told me you couldn't stand,
and do this all in one day.

I saw you today for the first time since we ended things. A million thoughts swam through my head but the only thing that came out my mouth was silence. Forgive me if I can't greet you like an old friend, I'm still struggling to understand how you could come in and shatter my heart into little pieces and act as if nothing happened. I don't miss you but sometimes I lay in bed thinking about you and I can't get you out of my head. It's not the "I miss you" kind of thoughts though, it's the " I regret that" kind. I regret letting you push me past my limits and then forcing myself to accept that I really didn't mind. I regret giving in to you because I was afraid to lose you otherwise. I regret every minute I let you treat me less than I deserved. But most of all, I regret staying with you even after I realized you were toxic. It's not still loving you that I'm struggling with, I'm way past that, I'm still trying to love myself again after all you put me through. Did you ever realize what you did to me? Why are you spreading rumors and trying to destroy my reputation? Did you ever even care about me? Why do I even care? What good is regretting all these things going to do?
I saw you today for the first time since we ended things. A million thoughts swam through my head and I'm glad the only thing that came out of my mouth was silence.

****** you
for being the only thing
that hurts me enough to write about
for not being a part of my heart anymore
but loitering in my brain
inhibiting anything else I try and create,
*******
I want to write about anything else
but I have not felt that much since

My mind preaches things I'd never believe

And my brain warps the thought to make me think I do

Go ahead and ignore me
Go ahead and see through me,
Walk through me,
Whatever,
Who cares?

I can do whatever,
Whenever,
You won't see me,
You won't appreciate me.

Why even bother
Trying?