and i think
i'm just so tired
of being sad
but it's something
there's no sense in
hurrying

the process of
yearning, of unlearning

there is so much
emotional labor
that goes into
forgetting

all of the good
the bright, the beautiful
before the terrible
the painful, the ugly

the feeling
you used to get
when you looked
into their eyes

and it hasn't been there
in months, maybe years

but you're chasing the high
because you're afraid
the memory
is all you have left of it

remembering
what it felt like
when you weren't
pretending
everything was
alright

Solid door seemingly so sturdy now tight and firmly sealed.
No hint from outward of hearts secrets, the mansion has concealed.

Many dreams long now vacated from the vast and empty halls.
Fragmented memories that hang, framed upon the fading walls.

The facade of many windows where no light within does show.
Seemingly no memory of love that this heart may once did know.

Like echoes upon the air the hidden memories ensconced in there.
Until echo fades to nothing and empty sadness taints the stale air.

Tortured walls in hallways that peel, are rent with unfilled crack.
Memory that time has worn and eroded as only time can lay attack.

No hint of any joy or laughter left within this mansions frame.
No face of beauty even in memory by which love recalls her name.

two syllables
never left your tongue
you sung it
like a song
stuck in your head

a constant reminder
that I was the one
you were talking to
when you followed
with three more words

it was never the way
you said my name
but the way
you never made me
forget it

Small red tablet
I am now drowsy

Small red tablet
I now forget *****

Small red tablet
I am now suddenly happy

Small red tablet
I now forgot what sorrow is

I don't know. Don't
Remember
What it felt like to not remember.
Sunkissed skin like ******
That ****** poems and backward humor could never win. My heart
Like a box of sweet tarts
With messages on them, like:
"Be mine." And,
"Stay with me." And,
"Will you be my Valentine?" Because I
Don't know. Don't
Remember
What it felt like to not remember.
Freckled cheeks paired with lips that have sung
Words I only remember because it stung to not
Remember. Her voice
Barely audible over child-like giggles and my silent praise of her perfect prose that
Fidgets and struggles,
Trying to roll off my bloodied tongue so that she can hear
And know
What it feels like for me to constantly remember
The space her image fills in my temples that trembles and threatens to fade.
Because it's easier to sway me to
Not- want to know.
Not- wand to remember.
What it felt like to remember.

it had slipped
from my grasp
that warm toned memory
                        a   l o o s e   t h r e a d
                    t h a t    s n a p p e d
yet left its indentations on my mind
its fingerprints behind my eyes
i can still remember how bright the sun was that day
and the tilt of someone's lips towards the sky
someone i can't seem to recall
someone that doesn't ring a bell
but whose laugh still floats around in the air
i can't seem to
               remember.

Forgetting you is something I can't seem to do

I wished for closure upon your lips.

All of me wants all of you

But, I think the idea of us is what I'll truly miss.

I never was the kind of girl
Who hid my face
Was not afraid to tell the world
What I had to say

But this nightmare came
Knocking at my door
I can't let it show
The inside is so hollow, so hollow

This ain't real, this ain't me
I'm not exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Can't let the light shine on me
Now I've lost who I am
The only way to hold it in
Is just hiding who I wanna be
*** this ain't me.

Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark?
To dream about a life where you know who you are
Even though it seems like it's so close to me
I just can't believe in myself, it's the only thing

This ain't real, this ain't me
I'm not exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Can't let the light shine on me
Now I've lost who I am
The only way to hold it in
Is just hiding who I wanna be
*** this ain't me.

I'm the voice you hear inside your head
I'm why your ears are ringing
You need to find me
You gotta find me

I'm the missing piece you need
The reason that you're falling
You need to find me
You gotta find me

This ain't real, this ain't me
I'm not exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Can't let the light shine on me
Now I've lost who I am
The only way to hold it in
Is just hiding who I wanna be
*** this ain't me.

This ain't me

But I can find who I am
And keep myself from holding in
No more hating who I used to be
*** that ain't me.

Your apologies
are empty and I don't give
out second chances

4:32 PM
30/11/20