When I lay in silence
When I sit in the dark
My thoughts race
My head so loud
I feel my heart
Beating so hard
Needles pierce my chest
It’s hard to breathe
The world is spinning
I feel strangled
My lips are quivering
Tears break past my eyes
My hands are shaking
Simultaneous pain
Head and heart
Drowning dizzy
I’m alone
Anxious

A starless swart of night
has draped its murky veil
above my temple mount —
but the house of holies’
lifting light lingers on.

Its window eye shines bright
to lead upon the trail
that guides me to a fount —
its waters cool and ease
until new break of dawn.

You stepped into my life, quiet and new,
A spark unexpected, a flame in the blue,
But with every word, a riddle unfolds,
Do you mean what you say, or hide truths untold?

I watch for the signs, the nuance, the shade,
In a maze of intentions where trust is unmade,
Your presence feels warm, yet shadows creep near,
Is this something to cherish, or something to fear?

I fear the rhythm we’ve started to find,
The comfort that settles, entwining my mind,
For the closer you come, the deeper you stay,
The more I will dread the chance you’ll drift away.

Should I guard my heart, keep it behind walls?
Or let it be open, risk all it entails?
Each moment with you feels tender, unsure,
A beauty so fleeting, but will it endure?

You say all the right things, or so it may seem,
But I wonder if I’m just caught in a dream,
Do you feel this connection, or let it pass by?
Am I holding your hand, or chasing the sky?

Still, here I remain, in this fragile embrace,
Wrestling with time, the unknown I face,
Hoping the threads that bind us won’t break,
Praying this isn’t a fleeting mistake.

For while I don’t know how long you’ll remain,
I cherish each moment through joy and through pain,
And though I may lose you, I’ll never forget—
The beauty of risking, with love, no regret.

My dear Bambi lover, I notice a hint of fear in your eyes tonight —
fleeing from the glint of light that dances within my eyes. It was never
my aim to send you fleeing, my dear.

Even though my affection blooms most brightly beneath the warming
hues of sunrise- fret not, for we can find solace in each other’s arms,
cradled by the soothing melodies of our cherished memories for
another twilight

I am fortunate to have been given a second chance at life. After experiencing the same persistent headache every night for five consecutive days, I recognized that something was not right. Upon arriving at the hospital, the staff noticed a concerning spike in my blood pressure, prompting a CT scan of my brain.

The results revealed the presence of two aneurysms, and the medical team needed to determine whether they were ruptured or hemorrhaged. After three painful attempts at a spinal tap, I insisted that the surgeon take over. Unfortunately, the procedure confirmed my worst fears; there was blood in the cerebrospinal fluid, indicating a hemorrhage. Faced with the grim reality of being given only a one-in-three chance of survival, I was urged to contact my family. In that moment, my thoughts were consumed by my daughter, brother, and sister; my entire world.

I awoke two days post-surgery and spent the next fourteen days recovering in the hospital. This harrowing experience profoundly altered my perspective, illuminating the areas of my life that I had neglected; my mental, physical, and spiritual health. I was forced to confront a haunting possibility: a future where my daughter would grow up without me by her side. The weight of that realization was overwhelming.

I am grateful to be here today, having narrowly escaped what felt like my expiration date last April. My daughter and I cherish every moment together, and I approach life with renewed purpose. Since my recovery, I have navigated the complexities of life, experiencing love, heartbreak, and the joys of watching my daughter thrive in fourth grade. I have been rediscovering the beauty of my city and striving to prioritize my well-being through healthier choices that benefit my mind, body, and soul.

Yet, I live with the awareness that I am on borrowed time; a gift not everyone receives. Each day feels like an undeserved grace, a reminder that life is fleeting and precious, and I will never take a moment for granted. This journey has pushed me to not just survive, but to thrive with intention. I am proud of the inner work I have embraced: mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and writing poetry, each practice helping me deepen my understanding of self and guiding me toward emotional clarity. I’ve rekindled my love for reading, finding solace and inspiration in the written word once more. And physically, I’ve committed myself to healthier living; nourishing my body through balanced nutrition and daily exercise.

This dedication to my mental and physical health has been transformative. It is a testament to my resilience and to the hard-fought battles I wage daily to become the best version of myself. I am proud of the progress I have made, and I honor this borrowed time by continuing to grow, knowing that every breath, every step forward, is a victory.

—

I walk among the living, yet I feel
the dark of those who left, who lean in close,
their soft whispers like petals falling.
The day of death; today, I feel them near,
those gone and yet alive in every breath I take.

They know I stood close, brushed the calm brink,
my life offered, a fragile cord severed,
but then, stitched back with thread of borrowed breath.
They gave me seconds spun from their own stillness,
a kindness of the dead to the dying.

In their silence, I hear a call to love and live,
Not with the fury of a man cheated from death,
but with the gentleness of one held tenderly
by unseen faces, those who walk the other side,
yet send their light across to warm my face.

I am a guest here, held by the mercy of the lost,
a witness who owes his heartbeat to their generosity.
For every hour given, I bow to them, thankful.
In each sunrise, I see them wink from the shadows,
their gift of borrowed time; a vow I carry forward.

— Sincerely, Boris

Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die.
No,
Not a gentle passing,
Not a quiet fade.
I will **** them,
Lay them to rest beneath the weight of who I must become.

But who am I, really?
A pale imitation,
A shadow too scared to meet the light.

I count my failures like rosary beads,
Each one a prayer to the hollow god of “not enough.”

The mirror lies.
It shows the surface:
Eyes half-closed—
From exhaustion?
From fear?
Or to hide the split-second shame
That flickers behind them.

A thought, raw and bare,
That what I’ve done,
What I’ve built,
Will never be enough.

I despise my own reflection—
The way it clings to mediocrity,
The way it swallows excuses
And spits them back as reasons.

Yet here I am.
Climbing a wall with no summit,
Straining toward a light
I’m not sure exists.

But still I climb,
For fear of falling
Is greater than the hunger for rest.

And in the echoes of these empty days,
I wonder:
If the old ways must die,
Will I mourn them?

Or will I simply replace them
With a newer, sharper hatred,
Polished and waiting,
For the next time I need someone to blame?