And I reach my finger so far down my throat as if I'm fishing,
I can never seem to catch anything besides sea sickness.
A whole ocean pouring from my mouth,
the saltiness burns as it comes up.
The waves are violent, as if they are trying to knock me all the way down to the bottom.
Cement fills my head dragging me down even faster.
And I'm stranded on this island,
I sit here thinking that this is going to be what finally kills me.
I continue to starve,
almost as though I'm used to it already.

Stressed   depressed   or not impressed
the fridge light turns on
eat until there’s nothing left
free will gone   evil song
there’s too much to digest
smacking lips packing hips
chewing on something wrong.

i believe that if
i don't eat
three meals
a day
i'll feel better
about myself
it's
not
working

TW : eating disorder, suicide attempt, abuse

In my phone
There’s a contact name that’s just swear words
The occasional bad bad word that I can say in therapy but don’t in public
And it’s my mom’s contact name
I changed it after our 1millionth fight
Right before I left for uni
Because she called me fat
And at the time I was five months sober of my eating disorder
Maybe sober isn’t the right word but whatever
And my brain snaps
I scream and cry
She screams back at me
I call her “fat” back because I’m mad
And I spend the night sobbing
I even call my abusive dad who chose to leave therapy because he thinks he’s getting better
He hasn’t left his girlfriend who restricted food from me yet so, are you sure Dad?
And he tries the whole facetime while I audibly cry to not sound mean about her
And I thank him for trying in my head
Because my mom only refers to him as slurs or Satan
I eat the entire cake she got me in the fridge the next day
Before even noon
I feel bad immediately after but at least she can’t have any
And then I’m suddenly jealous that she didn’t have any
So no weight gain
I drink two cups of iced coffee with that extra calorie Starbucks syrup
And then my sister gets me Popeyes
She gets me this after yelling at our mother
Because we don’t really talk that much openly
But we both have our own scars from her words
Mine developed into eating disorders, cuts on my legs, and just general mental illness
Hers just developed into being a rock solid wall
When my mom comes home and sees me eating
She takes a bite

When he says I’m not fat ,
but a bit overweight.
When I’m hot enough to ****,
but never to date.

When I am called brave for just wearing a dress,
But they say I’ll lose weight just after that stress.

Because I am called brave cause I dare to exist.
Because my fat hand can’t fit right around my fat wrist.

No matter what’s won
Theres just more to lose.
Never cry love, only sing blues
Cause fat, when in love, is the funniest sight
Reserved for comedians on a dark and late night.


Because I am a journey waiting to happen
Because I am not a person,
just a fat one.


When I’ve drawn out in sharpie where I’d take the scissors.
When In social settings I start to wither,

When somebody thin starts to talk about weight
My heart starts to race,
And reddens my face,
What if I am called out and called a disgrace.

Because if they are disgusting when they are size 8
Then what am I?


So Please,
allow me a moment to breathe,
Reset, internally scream.

Then smile back, polite as can be.
Because you refuse to understand what it’s like to be me.

I'll be getting old and still
trying to make this body bearable
covering it in tattoos
painting its nails
manically
sickening looking
for proof of its monstrousness
in candid photos
starving it and then
filling it

Or even worse,
not being able to do anything
to make it anything else
than what it is

I never wanted this.
I never wanted this hell upon me but she just grabbed me in her cold bony arms. She hugged me so tight and she would not let go. I am so **** cold. I cannot move anymore. I cannot run. She is eating my soul and my body away. Her lifeless cold eyes seemed so warm to me. She was my friend and my lover. She played me over and dragged me into this wretched hole. Thoughts would repeat all over_
I am fat
I am fat
I am fat
I believe her words. She brain washed my brain thinking into it that she is always right. She must be.

In a flash,
the thoughts come back -
"you're fat".

Why?

This illogical phrase used to put me in a haze, made me a slave, to its demands I'd cave.

Broken.

My stomach feels bigger, so do my legs, does my face look fatter? Maybe it's what you ate. You need to fix it, or I will berate.

Watch it.

Weight gain not acceptable, definitely not allowed, do you really want to look like a cow? Punish yourself, less in, more out, look at you, you're just becoming more stout.

Silence.

These feelings are feelings, these thoughts aren't true. All they want is for madness to ensue.

Triggered by perceptions, automatic and vile, deeply convincing, at least for a while.

Now, deep down, I know the truth. I'm healthy and active, no more to do. Fluctuations are normal, restriction is a trap. These thoughts and worries are a big load of crap.

I'll move my attention, to more important things. The blueness of the sky, the joys of spring.

Growth.

Feel my hair in the breeze, hiking in the trees, laughing with friends, around food more at ease.

Triumph.

I would take pictures
of myself on facebook but I would rarely ever wear a smile.


I would not take selfies not for attention and not for love from any love else.


They were just daily reminders  and the cruel reality was that I have always hated the way I looked.


I obsessed over my weight and thought if I did look skinnier that I would look great.

A  few times in my life I had to face my inner battle head on
it has won me an few times in my life.


At certain points in my life I rejected eating and enjoying my food.

All the fat comments took my joy of eating away, they were  
so vile and rude.

Being shouted at in the street and called the fat loser.  

In this period of my life I had an year of self hatered and defeat.

The eating issue was hard to beat.  
I would get triggered
if anyone mentioned anything relating to my weight if it was just another joke.


The echo of the rude comments
would stand out in my brain
repeating the same rude line.
"Your a fat loser"

Even when people in my family
said I was looking fine and were more concerned about my health.

The voice in my head would keep shouting that these are all lies.

I said to people around me
please do not keep mentioning
about my weight and just talk
about other topics.

Dont keep feeding the hate that is already there when there are plenty of things out than just talking about my weight.


It only magnifies the issue of the ED
and this makes it tougher to fight inside my mind.

I have accepted my ED and dealt
with some of my inner pain
that is only half the battle, in my own head I must learn to accept and love my body, be happier and eat more regularly without feeling any dread, guilt and remorse.


Love my self, ignore the haters and horrible cruel comments that have always stood out in my mind.

The comments and thoughts
are always going to be there
but I now I know I really dont care as much about this  
and to not let it control my life.


The rude people in the street
might have won the battle at the time
for a short while
but they never won the whole war over me.

I have choose now to accept my fate, eat again and be more health. Learning to love myself again and that is the final score.

i want to be clean again.
i want to wash away my sins
like the tears of smudged mascara
after reveling in the familiar ache of
a hollowed out stomach,
which lingers,
long after the evidence is flushed away.